Moved

I forgot to mention on here that I have moved:

www.hidingamaranth.blogspot.com

Pensivity

I've been quite thoughtful today. Not in a considerate connotation of the word, but in the thinking one.

I keep thinking about how much of a failure I am in comparison to my expectations for myself. I don't know why it is that I have not been able to do everything I thought I would be able to do. I mean, it looks like right now I'm going to be graduating with 3 majors and 2 minors with a third one that will be added on after I graduate. I'll be at various levels of fluency in 4 languages. Most people would think wow about all of that, but I'm disappointed that I haven't done more. Granted, I am graduating a semester early, so I probably could have gotten a fourth major or a fourth minor if I went a full 4 years. But I think of all the opportunities I wasted--taking only 19 hours my first semester, only 16 my second.

Then there were those classes that are basically a total waste to me right now--Contemporary Currents of Catholicism being the number one class there, but the algebra based physics class I took was an equally notable waste of my time. I should have just taken the calculus one, but I didn't anticipate on taking physical chemistry, so I dunno.

I do have to admit that switching to UCCS is one of the best decisions I've made ever. I can't imagine what I would have done with my life had I not changed.

There are other things that I'm glad that I have changed also. My once fervent conservativism was inappropriate. I once embraced very strong pro- or very strong anti- attitudes. I was homophobic (now I am a firm believer in at least granting equal rights and civil unions [aka legal marriage]). I was pro-religions (now I am incredibly suspicious of any authorities, religious, political, social, etc.). I took hard stands on every possible position and I've realized that there are no cut and dry circumstances.

Take a look at abortion. I used to believe that it was ALWAYS wrong. I mean always. But I never thought about the implicaitons involved. Would it be right for me to tell a woman that it doesn't matter if that fetus is going to kill her, that she has to carry it to term? No. Conversely though, I don't think that the woman is entitled to kill an organism (feuts, baby, whatever) for selfish, non-life preserving interests. It's not the organism's fault that she didn't use proper birth control. It is a developmental issue when the fetus will kill the mother--e.g. extrauterine pregnancy. No one's at fault, but an abortion is almost a necessary thing there. And there are so many more sticky issues.

On another level, I've sort of realized that despite the immense maturity that I've undergone in the last several years, that I still harbor a lot of the same old feelings that I once harbored--most of them hate oriented. I hate pretty much everyone that I went to school with in middle school. High school is sort of a fifty-fifty thing. Those from Regis generally are in the anti- category. There are exceptions of course to all these conditions. Readers of this blog being the most notable ones. Without these people I can't imagine how much I would have suffered throughout my life and with them in it, I am incredibly grateful.

But in the last weeks, I've heard crap about people I went to school with at CCC and at PHS. I have to say that any of their successes have generally upset me and their failures give me pleasure that there's karma out there and that in some small way I've got an impact on it. I got this Regis magazine in the mail the other day--I get it every semester, it's like an alum thing--and looking at it I realize that that place is this thing I don't care about, and the people that were in that magazine are neither really important to me. Out of everyone I went there with--I probably only really care about what happens to 2 or 3 (Maricor of course being included).

But with the others, there's this motivation within me that's probably not a very good one, that says to crush them. Not physically or anything like that, but in terms of my success compared to theirs. There's this one person who's starting to worry about post-grad stuff with their useless majors and nonexistant goals. The only reason she's picked the two options that she has (work or grad school) is because she's got nothing else that she can pick. It's like "hell, I've done school for 16 years, why not 4 more?". Business majors in general evoke these emotions in me. I don't think people should be doing more school unless they need it for a job or to do something amazing. Being a doctor, a social worker, a teacher, etc. requires this. That's worth the price of more schooling. But I don't think that more schooling is useful when it comes to studying things like literature.

When I think about my position in comparison to these other persons, who chose to pursue useless majors without a back up, without enough of a standing to go into medical school or go for a law degree, or get the kind of training and understanding necessary to be an effective educator (again, something that DOES something), I do have to say that I feel comforted in knowing that my last 15 years of work have not gone to what might be a dead end.

I have enough options ahead of me (grad school, foreign work with DWB, Peace Corps, etc., employment, etc.) where I can feel somewhat secure.

However, there's that motvation to make sure that those other people who I despise know their place. And that place is someplace that is frankly somewhere less successful than me.

So now that we've established that Ray's crazy.

I finished all the writing on my thesis today. Tomorrow=throw in some pics and fix my cites/formatting and printing the bitch.

Updates Updates

This is the last weekend of April. This means that my thesis has to be done by the end of the day on Sunday.

So today's agenda is to fix any writing issues that I have with the thesis and then tomorrow is going to be to kickback and fix up all of my citations and all of my figures, formatting, etc. I may do it the other way though since it's already 11 AM right now, and I haven't even changed my clothes yet.

Monday=printing the whole damn thing and taking it to get 4 bound copies.

So I have had scheduling issues because I needed to be a full time student in the fall in order to have any health insurance.

I'm not going to bring that up anymore until I have it all figured out, frankly.

However, either way, I'm not going to have any health insurance this spring because aas a graduate I don't get any once I turn 21 unless I'm a full time undergraduate. Of course in the 8 month period, I'll basically get hammered with cancer or whatever else.

I have like 23 days left in this semester, and this week I get to finish two of my classes, essentially, those being my biology seminar and my thesis. My genetics lab I think ends this week too, so after Friday I am down to 16 hours, or 5 classes.

I just paid 676 dollars for my PPCC tuition. I decided not to take any COF funds for this summer because I need to use them for UCCS when I get hammered with tuition fees and such.

It looks like summer billing is going to be about 3K with another 300 in books--dammit.

I keep getting this feeling that the world is falling apart and I'm in the middle of it.

Issues

These are things I've been having a lot of recently. My notably I'm having head-butting issues with my parents about what I want to do after this semester. I did decide to dump the geo major, because they basically implied that purse-strings will get pulled if I do go for it, and there's no way I can save up enough money for what I want to take and a place to live and car insurance.

I think I mentioned the issues I was having with them and this biochem award thing. If not, a brief recap: I got the notice on Tuesday and we had to RSVP by like 5 PM, and I don't come home til almost 8, so I just RSVP'ed for myself. Well, they didn't like that. My dad told my mom something along the lines of "when I was laying in the hospital bed dying, I decided I wanted to live so I can see these moments in my children's lives". So that's nice, now as a prerequisite for keeping a parent alive, I have to perform to the standards I've always performed. It's not enough that I have to basically torture myself, but now I'm supposed to give my dad life support? Wtf?

My parents are the kind of people who like to be "supportive" by which I mean thrusting themselves into every aspect of my life. And I am insanely private. I hate the kind of recognition that these awards bring because my parents want to inquire about it then make a big deal about it. When I get these things, what I REALLY like is the recognition of my professors that they think there's something particularly outstanding about what I've done. I don't care about beating out other classmates and I don't like to gloat about these things...publicly. Privately, as in this blog, you can tell I'm proud of what I've done, but everyone else exaggerates it.

I think there's a lot of tension going on because I've been home for so long, because I'm stressed, and because I really want to be on my own, but don't have the financial means to do it.

What they now want me to do is take nothing but my thesis class in the fall. I find this incredibly unreasonable for several reasons. #1: I'm going to be paying for the vast majority of my fall tuition. I've figured that with this summer's work schedule, I should be able to save up about $3000 for tuition, which will be around $4000 in the fall. I'm planning on getting a third job over the summer, so maybe I can get more. Only problem is that I can only work Sundays I think.

Right now, this is my modified schedule:

August 11-15: Nutrition for Health Science Majors
August 18-22: Principles of Flow Cytometry
Regular Semester: Molecular Biology, German II, History Thesis, Aristotle, Advanced Nutrition, and a basic computer science class.

Finishing

I finished my thesis draft and my bioseminar presentation.

I rock.

Almost there!

First of all, boo ya: http://www.uccs.edu/~chemistry/about_students.html. Scroll down somewhat to see.

Second of all, within two hours, I should have a COMPLETED DRAFT OF MY THESIS. This essentially means that I can do no worse than a C, I would think. I should get it back later this week after I finish my bioseminar presentation, work my ass off on it for about a week, and then go get it bound. I'm only going to do two copies my first time around, and then I'm going to go with a few more for those profs who are interested in my stuff.

Thirdly, I have decided that I have not successfully tortured myself enough yet. So I'm going to do a geography minor now. The means that Ray's getting three majors and two minors. I really could do a third minor, but I just don't know for sure that I want to suffer under the evil lady who kicked me out of her class two years ago. Actually, if I put off graduation until the spring, I could get the geography major, but I don't really see any reason not to graduate in December. So this means this summer I'll be taking 18 hours and in the fall I'll be doing 30.

HA HA HAH AH HAH AH HA

I'm crazy.

1. I've come to realize that my boobs..don't exist because I'm a man

2. I've come to realize that when I talk...I rarely make coherent sense anymore because I speak in spastic tones

3. I've come to realize that when I love someone...well, except I don't.

4. I've come to realize that I need...some damn A's, because I'm a grade whore

5. I've come to realize that I have lost...my mind? No, um, I think that in recent months I lost what little self respect I had built up over the last year

6. I've come to realize that I hate it when...I have to admit that I cannot do it all.

7. I've come to realize that if I'm drunk...it may be the end of the world because I'd be so bonkers that matter would fold in on itself.

8. I've come to realize that money...fucking sucks.

9. I've come to realize that people...ditto.

10. I've come to realize that I'll always be...disappointed in myself because I'll never be able to do all those things that I thought I would be able to do when I was younger.

11. I've come to realize that I have a crush on...chocolate

12. I've come to realize that the opposite sex is...judgmental and suspicious for sure, far too prone to emotional outbursts, stupid for staying with abusive men, and forgetful of the sacrifices that their ancestors and women all over the world have had to fight for. I think women of my generation are complacent. Successful [much more so than men], but complacent.

13. I've come to realize that my cell phone is...a nuisance. I hate the goddamn thing

14. I've come to realize that when I woke up this morning...there were 6 inches of snow. In April.

15. I've come to realize that before I go to sleep at night...that that genetics lab that has been haunting me all week needs to be FINISHED!

16. I've come to realize that right now I am thinking about...all the things I need to finish in the next 100 hours--a presentation, a thesis draft, etc.

17. I've come to realize that when I get on Facebook...it's just not worth it

18. I've come to realize that today I...am really approaching total burnout stage. My brain is starting to not work, and my energy is constantly decreasing.

19. I've come to realize that tonight I will...obviously finish my genetics lab. That may take me the rest of the night. If not, then I suppose that I could get started on my bioseminar presentation.

20. I've come to realize that tomorrow I will...go to genetics lab, go make sure my cells aren't dead, get paid (woot) and finally go to work at the hospital for 8 hours, more or less.

21. I've come to realize that I really want to...get into graduate school and then have 1000000 majors.

23. I've come to realize that the person who is most likely to repost... doesn't exist?

Finally, An Update!

I have not updated something substantial in a million years, which makes me either incredibly lame or incredibly busy.

Or both.

Probably both.

Anyways, so I have done several amazing things this week, like finishing my first draft of my philosophy thesis which is 101 pages. I should furthermore mention that these 101 pages are going to go towards my hopeful publication. You heard right, publication. My prof thinks it's publishable. More details to come as things get cemented.

I also got the Chemistry department's biochemistry award for second semester biochem. WOOT BITCHES!!!! Finally, I got something.

There are maybe 3 more where I could possible be in the running--bioseminar, biology statistics, and genetics. I think I would be pretty competitive for the genetics one, since I'm in the lab right now. The stats one is pretty damn close, so I dunno on that one.

Anyways, my biochem prof is letting me do some independent study this summer, and I'll be looking at inosine dephosphotase (I think...) more details on this soon too.

I registered for my French class to occur actually this summer. I may not do the German now because PPCC doesn't have evidence that I am able to communicate in English (This is a pre-req to take a 101 language class). Seriously?

I have so much HW to do tonight, blah.

I probably should be doing that soon so I'm not up til 11 or 12 tonight.

Adieu.

DONE

I am done with a complete draft of my thesis, bitches. Boo-ya.

Ergo, I consider that once I do all the formatting stuff, I should be guaranteed at least a C on that todger.

A more thorough update to follow after my biochem test on Wednesday.

DONE

I am done with a complete draft of my thesis, bitches. Boo-ya.

Ergo, I consider that once I do all the formatting stuff, I should be guaranteed at least a C on that todger.

A more thorough update to follow after my biochem test on Wednesday.

Musings

So I worked on my thesis some more--up to 91 pages. I'm not going to biochem tomorrow so that I can finish up my complete draft and put in all the edits my prof has requested so far. Plus I'm adding my diagrams and then switching everything to Chicago style of citations etc.
In the end, it's going to be around 115 pages I think.

I think Audrey Hepburn may be the prettiest woman who ever lived. It so happens she was maybe one in a million celebrities who decided to use their fame for something good--helping children all over the world who were starving--without taking something for herself.

I think I'm going to write an actually substantial post once I get caught up on school. Stupid school.

Not posting in almost a week? Gah!

So I have not written on here in a week. Sue me.

I got some extremely good news this last week. My thesis advisor loves my work. So I might get higher than a C on it assuming that I can even finish it (really hard thing to do right now. I have NO motivation to work on it).

I also look pretty sure to get A's in logic, genetics lab, stats and French. This week's biochem test will pretty much tell me where I end up.

Other than that, I really have nothing to say. How sad.

Moods

I'm in several moods. One is still depressive. I got a 95 on my biostats test, so boo on me being a stupid shit. One is painful, because I have this splitting headache and I have to be at work for another 2 hours (boo). Another is pensive, as in how the hell I'm supposed to make this semester work for me.

Finally, I'm in the mood to do a survey!!!

1. I'm sure we all know what your name is... so, tell us what your boss' name.

Tony at the LTC, Lisa in the lab, and Kelli at the hospital

2. Do you actually read your friends' surveys, or do you just copy paste them?
I read them as I edit their answers out and put mine in

3. Are you addicted to sex?
Oh yes. I'm even having it right now...only not.

4. Would you ever take back your ex?Not
I've never had an ex, so this is no issue for me.

5. Do you consider yourself a deep thinker?
Yes, but all my deep thoughts suck

6. Name two people who you are close with.
No one, I'm extremely private

7. Which one of those 2 people would you eat first, if you were starving?
I'd be screwed since I don't have anyone

8. How many red shirts would you say you own, off the top of your head?
five

11. How old will you be in 2021?
34 (shit, I'd be old)

12. Would you rather be tone deaf or color blind?:
I already am tone deaf and partially color blind (I have a real hard time telling the difference between dark blue and purple)

13. When do you think is the proper time in a relationship to give the other person your business card?:
I don't have one.

14. When you were a kid, which comic strip was your favorite?
By far Calvin and Hobbes

15. You can only wear a sock on one foot for the rest of your life... which foot is it?
I don't care, but the other foot gets cut off.

16. How many words can you make out of the letters of your name?:
Since my name only has 3 letters, the only possible combinations are:
ARY, AYR, RYA, YAR, YRA, and RAY. Of those six, only RAY is a word.

17. How do you feel about fake plants?:
I HATE fake plants. Memorial Hospital spent almost $100,000 on five of them.

18. What is your obsessive compulsion?
1. Being a grade whore
2. Worrying about school

19. What do you think the odds are of the person who posted this before you becoming a rock star?:
0

20. Do you know what the heck the difference is between the statements "we're just dating" and "we're together"?:t
I don't really care if there is one or not.

21. When you think, do you see the words that you are thinking in your mind, as if they were being written down?:
No and yes. Sometimes I think with just images, other times with sounds, and other times using words in a whole variety of languages

22. If a person is brought up speaking both Spanish and English in equal amounts and equally fluently, which language do they think in?
Speaking as someone who is able to speak the two languages in relatively equal amounts, I'll tell you that people tend to think in both. Actually, I'm already picking up on the thinking in French thing too.

23. Does it make you uncomfortable when people ask you your shoe size?:
no, because society's conception is that since I have feet the size of Ronald McDonald then I am this massive tank engine of testosterone. I can live with that

24. Would you feel guilty about cheating on your taxes if you got away with it?
No. I have no guilt

25. You are walking on the beach when suddenly you find a genie lamp. You rub it, and out pops the genie. He proclaims that he is so thankful to you for letting him out after thousands of years that he gives you three wishes. What do you think he did with his time while he was in there?:
The genie's a man. Man's alone for thousands of years without getting any? I think we can all tell where this is going.

26. If you had braces, would you put little diamonds on your brackets and call them your "grill"?:
No way dood. You could break them that way and those braces cost thousands of dollars

27. If you could sleep with your ex one last time, would you?:
No ex, no sex.

28. Which is worse... someone blowing cigarette smoke in your face, or kissing someone who has dip in their mouth?:
I think the second sounds worse

29. Had you ever answered any of these questions before?:
Definitely the foot size one

30. Have you ever thought about getting your lip pierced?:
Lip, no. Eyebrow/Ear yes

31. Who were you with last night?
I was at chez moi last night

32. What woke you up this morning?:
The goddamn alarm clock

33. What's above you?:
A ceiling

34. You have 24 hours to live... what are you going to wear?!?!?:
If I've only got 24 hours to live and I'm still a virgin, do you seriously think I'm going to be wearing any clothes? Well, I would be.

35. Where do you see yourself in 5 years?:
In a deadend job making like $5 an hour and realizing that I have wasted my entire life thinking that by being Mr. Work Hard and Sacrifice Everything that it would get me anywhere.

Depressed?

I'm starting to think I may be depressed. I have just been so out of my normal kilter for the last two weeks or so that I just don't really know what to do with myself. I'm right now convinced that I'm going to completely blow something somewhere between today and May 19. There's something I'm going to screw up so badly.

I decided that I'm not going to take my trip after all after I graduate. First of all, I have no guarantees about anything after I graduate, including grad school, and so until all of that is sorted out, I have no business planning any vacations. Chances are pretty good that I'm not going to be accepted to any grad program, so I'm going to have to get used to the idea that I'll be making no more than $10 per hour anytime within the next ten years. Secondly, I right now have like $450 to my name. I need to establish something more for myself than living on the edge of being totally broke. If I can save money over summer and throughout next year, I can have a safety net. Going to Europe really does nothing to preserve that net.

I need to realize that right now, I'm an adult and that I have to plan for things long term now, rather than just a few months. I need to understand that I can't be spending money on these things when I need to be saving it. I'm fortunate that I don't ehave to worry about kids or a wife ever, but within the next two years, I have to have enough money to pay for rent, wherever I live and car insurance. I'm probably not going to get health insurance, because I honestly haven't been to a doctor for anything since senior year of high school. I figure that if I get something either I'll recover from it on my own or it'll kill me. One must die at some point, eh?

Besides, health insurance companies never really cover that much procedure-wise anyways. I'm better off just saving money and spending it when I have the procedure or if I have to go into the doctor.

I am so tired, I can't really stand it anymore.

To be honest, the more I've considered it, the more I've realized that no matter how hard I try, I'm not really going to matter that much. Sure, I may publish a couple papers here and there, but I'm never going to do anything memorable, I'll never discover anything memorable. I'm probably going to turn out something like my uncle. It's somewhat disappointing to know that I've spent the last 15 years working and it's all going to be for nothing.

I'm seriously blech right now. Perhaps it is because of my biostats test today that I don't think went very well. Perhaps it's because I have to have my thesis basically done by April 16th or something like that.

I am just so damn tired of this semester, and there are still so many days left that I may scream.

48 Days Left

Such is all the time left between now and May 19, when I can finally say that this hell of a semester is finally over.

I think I've already mentioned that I have about 65 pages on my thesis. Tomorrow, I have some editing to put up and an example from my biochemistry stuff to add, so after all of that, I should be somewhere around 70 pages.

I'm honestly getting tired of it, but I need to keep working as hard as I can on it to get it done in the next week and a half or so.

Tomorrow I also have a biochemistry quiz, but I'm honestly not terribly worried about it.
Thursday is the tricky part, as I have a test in biostats that I'm really going to have to study for tomorrow night.

Tonight's not a good night for me. Right now, I am feeling really depressed an incompetent at the work I have been doing. I have this naggin feeling that failure is going to grab me and strangle the very life out of me. Just as the world is this dark place, so too is my life.

End of Spring Break

Well, today's the last day of my break. After today, there are 50 days left in my semester, 1200 hours, and so on.

I have to say that despite not doing anything particularly astounding, I must say that this week--ten days if we're technical--has been somewhat changing in long term ramifications.

I went from making the worst mistake of my life to returning full heartedly to the crusade that I aimed to begin at the beginning of the year, and I intend on seeing through t its natural conclusion--my victory.

Being alone for eight days made me sure that I want to stay that way for a very long time. I have never been mroe certain of my ascertation never to marry and never to have children. This world is growing worse and worse with each passing year, and I will not put anyone else through it, especially children that I would have.

I saw an interesting article tonight that says that Islam is now the worst's largest religion, supplanting Catholicism. While this is a natural development, what I find as surprising is that the news organization divvies the Christian religions up into their constituent elements (Catholicism, Protestantism, Orthodoxy), but doesn't do the same thing with Muslims into their groups (Shiites and Sunnis). If you do that division, what will happen is you lose Iran, most of Iraq, a lot of Syria and parts of Lebanon and a whole bunch of other areas. If you apply the same treatment to all religions, as should be done, Catholicism will still be the larger religion. I find it odd that they didn't do that. It was actually the Vatican that put it out, so maybe they were doing it to prompt more Catholic breeding. Next thing you know, they'll start encouraging premarital sex so that more Catholic babies will begin popping out.

I think it would be better for all of these religions involved to measure their following not on births but on practice. I think you would find the total number of Muslims and Christians much closer than expected.

The largest growing groups though continue to be evangelicals and other assorted religions like Mormonism. All of this is concerning to me because I live in Colorado Springs, the evangelical capital of the world basically, and I can only imagine what will happen if evangelicals come into power--forced praise and worship sessions, obligatory testimonials, funds constantly funnelling into religious organizations. The Republican party has already been conquered. There's very little left for sensible people to join.

I think someday in my lifespan, there will be a great war, far more influential than what's going on now in Iraq and Afghanistan. There are really only a few possibilities that I see happening. First, there may be a great Islamic civil war, the likes that Christians saw in Europe in the 1600s where up to 30% of populations can be killed. The rising power of Iran is testimony to this. If they get nuclear weapons, they will not only kill the Jews of Israel, but also the Arabs of the Middle East.

The second option is that Islamic fundamentalism wins out in the Middle East. War then essentially will be between everyone and Islam. If places like China think they'll be saved, they'll be sorely mistaken. The US and Europe are but the first fronts. Latin America and China would be next.

The third is the last superpower war, between the US and its few remaining allies and Russia/China and their last few remaining allies. A nuclear war strong enough to wipe out life on earth.

Obviously there is very little rosy disposition about the future I see.

Anyways, in other developments, I have thoroughly studied up my citric acid cycle for my biochemistry quiz on Wednesday, I have thoroughly ignored logic, and I now have 64 pages on my thesis. Major improvement from my 18 a little more than a week ago. My guess is I'll have at least 20 more pages, maybe at least 30. This is definitely going to break my record of 72 pages that my Stalinism essay was back in freshman year.

I am so tired. I haven't slept well in the last three days.

Ending 'Vacation'

So I have only about 48 more hours left until school starts back into full force again. Such disappointment for me, to have to go back into that land of blech for another 50 days. But, alas, it's something that must be done.

I have a countdown thing on my facebook page wihch tells me that I have something like 270 days left to go until I graduate. (That long? Damn.)

So what do I have planned for the next 48 hours? Well, I do have to finish my handout/quizzette thing in genetics lab. I'll probably do that at some point today, perhaps after this.

I also need to get at least 10 more pages written on my thesis. I promised to have between 60 and 70 pages ready to turn in by Wednesday. Right now I think I have 53 (maybe it's 54), so if I can get between ten and fifteen more pages, then I will be somewhat satisfied. It's looking more and more likely that my thesis is going to be between 90 and 100 pages long. If it's at least 100, then I suppose that that would be good, because they (the two people doing all the judging) may not feel like reading 100+ pages of material and automatically give me an A? Right...I doubt that's going to fly.

Besides my thesis, I have several other things that should be done, such as studying for this week's biochemistry quiz, this week's logic exam (hardee har har), studying my French vocabulary and adjective strucutre, on both of which I have quizzes on Monday.

I have an extra credit biostats homework assignment too, but I'm not even going to touch it until Monday.

So that leaves me with many things to do, and such a small amount of time to do it all in.

If I just quit today, this would be my grades in all of my classes:

Logic: 29%
Biostats: 47% (that's a D, actually)
Biochemistry: 48%
Advanced Immunology: 45%
Genetics Lab: 43%
Bioseminar: 10%
Thesis: 30%
French: 60% (D)

Not that any of this is any good.

How much longer until I get a break?

It's what, the 27th of March? I have to go until the 19th of May before I get a reasonable respite from all the hell of this semester. BLAH!

I must say that I really would be happy if I could just finish one or two of my classes now. This week I'll get REALLY close to finishing my biostatistics class, as I have my second test this coming Thursday (a week from today). After it's over, I'm only going to have something like 150 points left in the class, out of over 500. Basically, if I get an A on this test on Thursday, I can get no worse than a B in the class, even if I didn't take the final.

That's basically the only good news I have anywhere on the horizon. My thesis is up to 42 pages, and I'm probably going to need that many more before I can say I have a completed thesis (not perfect, but just plain completed). I've sort of got my third chapter done. I'm not going to finish my second one now because it's just about science, and I need to focus on my argument with the philosophy stuff first. I think that once I get it done, I should be ok. My guess is I'll probably get a B on it, but as I described in my last post, this will not kill me. In fact, it'll barely phase my GPA. Plus, it's philosophy, and I'm not going into philosophy as a life path or anything like that.

Pretty much, even if I get a C, I'm still going to graduate magna cum laude, I'm still going to have three majors and a minor, and I'll be at various levels of competence in seven languages. Fluent in two (English and Spanish), decent in a third (French), and familiar with four more (Latin, German, Italian, and Irish Gaelic).

I think that's a pretty damn good accomplishment.

Today's agenda isn't too complex. I have already done a load of laundry, which is drying on the line, and it's 9:30. I also have already vaccuumed the kitchen and living room, cleaned the first floor bathroom, and yeah. Other things to do today include folding and hanging other clothes, doing some dishes, more thesis writing, and vaccuuming two other rooms on the first floor. Tonight, I have to play easter bunny because my family is coming home tomorrow, so I have to do all of that good stuff.

To be honest, my sister is getting to the age where the beans should be spilled pretty soon. I learned when I was 8, and she's almost 9 now. My guess is that after this coming Christmas she'll hear the down and dirty truth about the tooth fairy, easter bunny, and santa claus.

This next week is so going to suck. I can feel it. And I have at least five more after that.

It makes me really hate my sister right now, because she gets out of school on May 2. Actually, I think for her it's April 30 that she's done with how her finals pan out.

Meanwhile, I still have 19 days of torment at that point.

I can take comfort in knowing that my bioseminar class is done the 30th of April, my thesis has to be pretty much done by then, and like I said, I shouldn't have to worry too much about biostats by that point. My genetics lab grade should be pretty friggin close to an A, and French will be almost there.

I need one of those breaks where you don't have to care about anything-school, work, anything. Blech.

Sources

I've been doing some thinking and I can tell what a lot of my problems are stemming from.

First: I cannot cope well with stress, which is completely and totally ironic, because I put so much of it onto myself, you would think that I would be an expert at handling stress.

Second: The means by which I handle stress are fundamentally not healthy for me. Duh.

Third: In order to improve and rid myself of my badness, I have to find that healthy alternative. I'm trying to figure out what it might be--something that doesn't cost a lot of money. I've tried walking, but unfortuantely, I don't do enough of it to be effective. I would have to walk maybe 3 or 4 hours, and my dog cannot last more than 20 minutes.

Fourth: I need to put less pressure on myself to excel to unreasonable levels. I'm getting a little better at that. I figure that I'll get A's in French, Biostats, Logic, and bioseminar pretty easily. Biochemistry looks like it'll be a firm A also. That's 14 pretty much guaranteed A's. If I can get A's in the rest of my classes that are not thesis (advanced immunology [this is the one that matters most], genetics lab), then my thesis isn't a huge deal. So long as I get at least a C on my thesis, I'll be happy, because it gets me my degree. That's all that matters. In 40 years, having a 4.0 all of college won't be a huge deal. I mean, I've taken so many classes that even if I did get a C, I would have a 3.74 on the semester (it would knock me off of the Dean's List, so I would prefer to get at least a C+) and a 3.97 GPA overall (assuming I get straight A's in the fall). A C+ would let me have a 3.97 overall and a 3.77 on semester. So if I get all A's except a C+ in thesis, I would still get on the Dean's List. A B- would give a 3.82 semester and a 3.98 overall. A B would give me a 3.86 semester and a 3.98 overall. A B+: 3.90 semester and 3.99 overall. An A-: 3.96 semester and a 3.995 overall. Seriously not too phased.

Fifth: I procrastinate too much. This leads to much stress. I've been trying to correct it, but I haven't had a whole lot of luck on that, especially this semester. I mean, I could be working on my philosophy thesis now, rather than typing on here.

Speaking of thesis, guess who has 30 pages done??? I DO!!!!! The only problem is that I'm about 1/2 done, i.e. my thesis is going to be about as long as my last majorly huge paper.

I'm going to try to get five more pages in tonight before I go to bed, so if I can do that, I'll be impressed with myself.

Things I have to do still:
Discuss complex genetic stuff like transposons, immunoglobin genes, and CD40
Develop the milieu of mechanistic materialism.
Argue why it is so wrong for biology
Demonstrate that current alternatives are not suitable enough
Develop a dialectic of genes
Discuss implications

That's easily going to be 30+ pages.

Living alone does some good things for me, but there are still a lot of distractions around, ones that weren't there as much when I lived in the dorm. TV and Internet prove to be my undoing.

I need to clean house too, now that I think about it. Certain parts of the house are pretty messy. I should get on that promptly.

Advances

So, on the front of monkey tossing. I made two major things happen that will help me so much to breaking free of the monkey. First, I set up a private journal where I could be totally honest about my problems, my motivations, my disappointments in myself, everything that led to last Friday. Second, I went through the house and got rid of everything that I could use to indulge in monkeying. I made a promise to myself also not to subject myself to the triggers that tempted me to embrace the monkey. So that's good. Someday, I may make all of those posts on my private blog public, just so other people who are facing the same problem might benefit from my experience, and I may be more direct about what the monkey is, but until I am able to shake it, I have too much shame and embarrassment to tell anyone. When I break it forever, I'll tell the world. But until then, I don't want to take any chances.

I think I've finalized my schedule for this fall. Very simple stuff, really:
Principles of Flow Cytometry
Molecular Biology
History of Russia to 1860
History Thesis
International Environmental Politics
German II
Italian I
French III

Only 28 hours, 3 before the semester starts and three REALLY easy classes. So I only have 12 hours to worry about. Better than this semester where I have to worry about 15 hours all the time.

My whole "I'm going to do so much homework" thing is not panning out as well as I would have liked. So far, I have my biostats and biochem tests studied for, and about 4 slides on my bioseminar presentation, basically only the background to the research. I'm supposed to have 25 minutes of presentation material, and I'm probably going to have 30-40. I might be able to get more.

What I really have to do is to write another draft of thesis. Ugh, too much.
Stupid thesis. I hate theses.

Learning from Mistakes

That's today's theme anyways, because I've made a few in the last few days. It's hard to describe exactly what they are because to some people they would be gravely serious and to others it would be not serious at all.

Regardless of how people see it, I see them as almost necessary. Actually, probably totally necessary. Because from these mistakes that I have made, I have not only learned a lot about myself, but also have realized that my own personal crusade on which I embarked at the beginning of the year has had serious falterings. The monkey on my back, which shall forever be the darkest stain on my life, came back in February. I didn't want to mention it, but it did. I was doing really well for a while, and I had gotten this bad habit down to nearly eliminated. But then I had a couple of stressful weeks and I relapsed right back into it. This week was probably the most extreme in probably a few years...maybe 3?

(By the way, I've had this problem since 9th grade. I've been trying to shake it since then without much luck. I did have a period where I did nothing with it for maybe 5 months, but the whole stress thing came back and I went right back into it).

Anyways, the whole culmination of this problem came this week, when I was REALLY stressed out about getting tests back, working in my thesis, and then my advanced immunology presentation and cooking. Yesterday, having finished all of that, I snapped.

I must say that what happened yesterday was quite possibly the worst experience in my entire life. It was painful, it was hazardous, but looking back on it, it was necessary. Whenever you read about drug addicts, you always hear about how they reach their lowest point (I'm not a drug addict, but I can sympathize with them). Yesterday was that point for me. I subjected myself to grave and serious danger, physically, mentally, and psychologically. The worst thing of all was that until this morning, I neither really remembered it, nor did I really care.

Today, however, with the benefit of hindsight, I know that the bottom point has been reached, that the crusade which I began had seriously faltered, that the monkey basically bred five more monkeys on my back. Today, they come off.

My mistake was bad in most respects. But it was a necessary one. It has made me realize the serious consequences that my actions can have on myself for perhaps the first time. Maybe because it was because I was alone that I was allowed to take such outrageous actions to their extreme. That knowing without any possibility of any family being around, I could in my solitude indulge in the darkest elements of the monkey. To be in a place where I can make a mess and tidy it without drawing suspicions. My tracks could forever be covered. In any regard, I have taken my horrid experience yesterday and decided to destroy that legacy of my life forever. To use yesterday's mistake as a reminder of the dangers involved with my behavior.

The crusade was not defeated yesterday. It was damaged, but today, it arises with total and complete force. I will crush this monkey with every ounce of strength that I have. The iron rod with which I crush my academic enemies will now be used to crush the monkey on my back. This time, I don't have to crush myself either. I can emerge from these mistakes with greater motivation and a greater maturity than what I once had. I can no longer do these things to myself and risk my sanity, my potential, and my life.

I took the first step today. Embracing the need for change, and tossing out the means by which I could destroy myself. For that, I am proud of myself.

Today begins the rest of my life. I now truly am on day one of defeating my internal enemy. The monkey will have to do elsewhere.

Course Schedules

Woot. Fall course schedules came out.

Since I only have one class that I HAVE to take, I'm going to, as I promised myself, enjoy my last semester.

Here's a listing of all classes that work for that goal:

BIOL 484: Molecular Biology
BIOL 488: Principles of Flow Cytometry
GRK 101: Intro to Ancient Greek
HIST 300: Ottoman Empire
HIST 300: History of Russia to 1860
HIST 499: Thesis
PSC 429: International Environmental Politics
PES 306: Astrophysics (for listening in only, not for credit)

Now, I won't do the Ottoman Empire or ancient Greek classes because I don't want to do that much. I doubt I would listen in on Astrophysics either. So basically, I'd be doing 5 classes at UCCS.

Pikes Peak is offering a few classes too. This is what I plan on taking from them:
FREN 211: French III
GER 112: German II
ITAL 111: Italian I

Obviously, I decided to go with German instead of Japanese for two reasons: 1) it's cheaper, 2) I can do German online, apparently.

My advanced immunology presentation went ok today, I suppose.

This is what I have to do in the next 10 days:

BIOL 300: EC homework, Study for exam 2
BIOL 401: PRESENTATION
BIOL 384: Quizzette, Lab 5
BIOL 431: Work on Grant
CHEM 482: Study for Quiz 3
FR 102: Finish Chapter 7
PHIL 495: Write a draft of my thesis-about 30-40 more pages.

Today and tomorrow will be the easy stuff: French and Chemistry. I'm going to try to knock out as much Genetics lab as possible too.

Saturday=biology presentation

Sunday=biostats

Monday-Sunday=Thesis

Notice how my life sucks?

Two months left!

That's all there is in this semester, give or take about 10 hours or so. The frustrating thing is that I am not over 50% in more than two classes. I did just pass 50% in biochemistry because Ray got a 99.5% on his last test. Booya!

I also got a 98.5% on my French test from last week, huzah.

I finished my presentation for immunology today. It's going to be so freaking amazing, it's not even funny. Basically, most people in the class just type full sentences in a row on their power points, whereas I only put key words or phrases in so that people are forced to listen to me.

I do have one political issue to discuss today. I've been following for the last four weeks or so the rate at which nations have recognized Kosovo as an independent state. I remember back in the 90s when these people were getting slaughtered, and now that they've broken free from Serbia's clutches, they've been having a hard time getting sympathy outside of Europe. Out of 192 countries in the world, only 32 have recognized Kosovo (USA, Canada, Costa Rica, Peru, Ireland, Iceland, Sweden, Finland, Estonia, Latvia, Lithuania, Poland, Germany, Denmark, Belgium, The Netherlands, Luxembourg, France, Switzerland, Austria, Hungary, Bulgaria, Albania, Turkey, Italy, Slovenia, Croatia, Afghanistan, Malaysia, Senegal, Australia, Japan) and about an equal number refuse to recognize, which I find insulting, because these are people trying to make lives for themselves without having to fear being murdered or ethnically cleansed. Shame on the countries without the balls to stand up to Russia: Ukraine, Algeria, Georgia, Armenia, etc. These people have earned the right to be free. Give them that right!

I'm determined to know at least 10 languages in the next 10 years. I've got two down pat (English and Spanish), and the other 8 I would like to learn are French, Latin, Italian, Japanese, Portuguese, American Sign Language, Irish Gaelic, and probably German.

I would seriously do Peace Corps if it was a one year commitment, but these people demand 27 months. Ph.D. programs are NOT forgiving for taking that much time off.

Ugh, I am TIRED. I need to get some sleep so that I can spend tomorrow cooking.

Ireland

It's days like today that really make me proud to be Irish. To have that kind of a history, that kind of a culture. I'll resolve to learn its langauge like I have so many others.

The language is the real connection to the past. When I learn French, I can feel that connection, and I can imagine the ancestors who decided to leave France for opportunities in Quebec, then once Montreal was filled with Frenchies, to move to Illinois and be among the first settlers in a strange, new land.

I want that connection to the other parts of my ancestry: Ireland especially, but also Germany, Switzerland, and Scotland.

Perhaps I may take German this summer instead of Japanese and see if that German heritage grows in appreciation like my French and Irish.

The Wire

That's what everything is coming down to right now. I'm really sort of blech right now with all of this school stuff. It's Monday and I need three more days to go by really quickly before I can start hammering as much as possible with April and May stuff.

I'm working right now, which is somewhat rare. It was sort of serrendipidous (sp issues here) that I am here, because I came up here to work on my immunology presentation so that I would not be bothered b/c no one up here has science on their brains. However, the person who has the 2-4 shift never showed up, so I'm here now. At least I get paid basically $20.

My dad got me the Celtic Thunder CD yesterday, which I suppose is alright. Nowhere near as good as Celtic Woman, but they have a few good songs, most of which are not celtic. Whatever.

So today is St. Patrick's day. Not, as I have seen here on campus "Happy Shamrock Day", nor is it a "it's not important day so let's forget about it" as some people in religious places are wont to say. TODAY is St. Patrick's Day. It's a day of historical significance for all Irish people because it represents the change that my ancestors and those of all other Irish descendants made from paganism to Christianity. That movement was DIRECTLY responsible for the conversion of the Scots, English, Germans, and many Franks to Christianity also. It also represents a day of significance for all Irish men and women, the suffering that they endured under the British and the discrimination against them here in America. It is a remembrance of their survival despite all oppression. Any change to that memory as has been done by the politically correct and by the Catholic Church is a direct violation of that heritage. As a descendant of those men and women who sacrificed so much, I am equally as violated that their memory deserves to be discards because it either has a religious connotation or because the Catholic Church is so damn picky about all its rules that it thinks it has the right to violate a heritage not based in religion but in blood. I was born Irish first, and if anyone thinks that I will diminish that remembrance because it happens to fall on the week that it does is sorely mistaken. I will always be an Irishman. I can easily choose not to be religious.

So, I probably should get back to work on my immunology presentation so that I can get it out of the way.

ONE WEEK LEFT!!! GAH!!!

Ugh. I only need to make it through four more days before I'm able to jump for joy, knowing that I have ten days of no school.

The only thing I have left that's really stressful is my presentation, which is about half done right now. I've finished all the background to my article, now I just need to do the article. Then once I make all of my powerpoint, I'll still have to write all of my notes. Not to mention to finish cooking all of my food. I've finished making two dishes...only 5 to go.

Things I need this week:

1. A really high A on my biochemistry test from last week.
2. My Star Wars soundtracks to come in at the library.
3. My presentation to go REALLY well.
4. To write probably 5-10 more pages of thesis.
5. SLEEP
6. A snow day would be REALLY nice, but I doubt I'll get that.

Weird

So, I'm definitely not getting sick. My problem was that it's so dry in all the buildings at school, and I had been indoors all day, that I was congested and dried up to my eyeballs. The second after I got outside things were clearing up, and I felt much better.

Speaking of which, last Thursday was the first time that I left school this whole semester for the day on a non-Friday and it was still light out. Amazingness. I like avoiding being out in the dark.

I'm sort of getting things done. Once this week is over, I think I'll feel more accomplished, maybe because March will be done with when it comes to school, except for the 31st. After Spring Break, I'll only have one day of March, four weeks of April, and three-ish in May. Then basically the hardest part of the last four years of my life will be over, and I can hopefully relax for a few days or weeks. I can get over this feeling of being perpetually tired.

So, I've been bad with school on one regard. I mean, I came home from school pretty early on Thursday and Friday, and instead of doing homework, I watched movies, the original three Star Wars to be specific. I saw them in theatres when they did the revisions back in the late nineties, I think it was (maybe the last one came out in 2000). I wasn't a huge fan of them then, but I must admit, I like those three much more now. I'm still not big on the second set of three they put out-especially that first one. Man, I hated that movie.

The rest of today's agenda is pretty simple: WORK ON THESIS. I'm supposed to turn in ten more pages tomorrow--and I have 3, somewhat poorly written ones.

Tomorrow's is also simple. Because ten pages should be done on the thesis by then, I'll need to devote Sunday to my presentation for immunology.

Spring Break looks to be INCREDIBLY busy as evidenced by what I have to do:
1. Write at least 20 more pages of thesis
2. Do my bioseminar presentation
3. Get about 5 pages of my immunology grant done
4. Study for a biostats test
5. Study for a biochemistry quiz
6. Write another genetics lab and do the 25 point handout.

Afterwards, things should start to look better. I'll have an almost complete draft of my thesis, I'll have my bioseminar stuff done a MONTH ahead of schedule, I'll only need 15 more pages for immunology, and I'll be over halfway done with the genetics lab stuff for the semester. After Spring Break, and those two bugger tests are done, this is what I'll have to do for April:

1. FINISH at least two drafts of my thesis.
2. One biochemistry test and the final quiz
3. French Exam III
4. Miscellaneous genetics lab work
5. Two critical thinking tests and a presentation for that class as well
6. At least 10 pages of my immunology grant.

I'm starting to gain some confidence about what I'm doing this semester, but I'm going to need some good grades, especially on those two tests from this last week and on my immunology presentation this week to get me there.

To work!

Miserable Blogger

I'm tired. Like, really seriously I need sleep tired. However, I will not be able to get a decent amount of sleep or rest for the next 8 days or so, until Spring Break comes.

Between aujord'hui and then, this is all the crap I have to do:

PHIL 112: Test, Thursday
BIOL 401: Article prepped for Wednesday
BIOL 300: Homework 7, group exercise 3
BIOL 431: Presentation (Most important thing to do), Experimental approach
BIOL 384: Lab 4, Quiz 6
PHIL 495: At LEAST 7 more pages

Tonight I'll get the genetics stuff done (obviously, since it's due tomorrow).

I feel kind of blech, like I'm coming down with yet another wonderful disease. Hopefully this is certainly not the case.

I should be working on something, for a change, perhaps.

Update? Twice in two days?

So, anyone who say the first prequel star wars movie should see this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0syR0FmwRZw&feature=related

Between Nostalgia and Anticipation

I've been in kind of a weird mood this weekend.

First, I should mention that I had no intention of not being on blogspot for almost a week, but the stupid computer at school and here at home both were all "ARGH COOKIES!" and so posting has been nearly impossible.

So, a brief recap. No real grades this last week, as I had no tests or papers or anything. I did get back my philosophy tests, but I think I mentioned that in my last post. I have another one next Tuesday, which should account for the vast majority of my grade. Pretty much everyone is struggling with basic logic (I'm honestly not, it actually is pretty much second nature to me because it's what I do ALL the time in my writing and science), so I'm a hot comodity in there.

This week promises to be reasonable stressful, as Wednesday is like a day from hell: two tests, another chapter of my philosophy thesis to turn in. Ugh. I haven't even started writing those ten pages, and they're due in like three days. Disgusting.

I totally decided that with exception for my one required class (history thesis), any classes that I take in the next year are going to be for personal benefit.

Then upon finishing all of my classes for the next year, I'm going to spend about a month in France, Belgium, the Netherlands, Luxembourg, Switzerland, England, Scotland, Wales, and Ireland, doing nothing but travelling and seeing all the amazing sights there. I think I'll have had enough French to communicate pretty well in France, the Low Countries, and Switzerland, so that'll be good. I may try to learn some basic Irish Gaelic and Dutch for communication's sake.

I figure that in order to be able to travel for this long in massively expensive Europe, I'm going to have to save maybe around $10,000, as a ballpark estimate. I figure about $1000 for the flights, and $300 per day in travel, food, lodging, and tourist prices.

So far, I have about $500 saved up, so I only have $9500 to go, and around 90 weeks left to do it. I figure if I save around $100 per week, it should be enough to get me travelling for really the first time in my life. The plus side is that if I don't spend 10K, then I'll have lots of money leftover for another trip or something else cool.

Ok, anyways. Mon weekend. I basically did nothing that I should have done that's a really big deal. Except maybe biochemistry-I did a LOT of that stuff, considering I have a major test in it this week. I read all of my articles for this week too for advanced and bioseminar.

I'm starting to feel slightly less stressed out about my thesis class because I remember back in freshman year at Regis I wrote a 74 page paper in a month. I didn't actually start writing until the end of March, and here I am with 20 pages by Wednesday.

Really though, this weekend was sort of a disappointment on getting ahead in things. I suppose that I could spend a few hours tonight getting ahead in logic before Emma comes on.

By the way, Sense and Sensibility is an AMAZING movie. It's like the first movie in years to make me tear up. That part at the end where Emma Thompson, the totally emotionally restricted and socially dutiful woman, realizes that Hugh Grant didn't marry the skank and he's in her house because he loves her and wants her so she starts bawling is so heart wrenching. I mean, the whole movie you want her to get her man and it looks like he's gone off in this other broad's arms. All these other women including her younger sister are getting men and she's left alone. Then, all of a sudden he shows up and asks to marry him. Ahh. So wonderful.

I think my order of favorite Jane Austen movies so far are the good Pride and Prejudice, Sense and Sensibility, Persuasion, Northanger Abbey, and Mansfield Park. All that's left for me to see is Emma, and I hear it's REALLY good.

Well, I'm going to go get some actual work done now. Adieu mes amies.

Upset, Distressed, and Downtrodden

Such right now is the story of my life. Ironically, this is the point of the semester when lots of grades sort of start to come in, and so far, they've all been fantastic. I think in the last two weeks, I've gotten something like 15 grades and the lowest was a 90% (my genetics quiz that was worth only 10 points-plus I get to drop my lowest score) and my highest has been a 104%.

Despite those successes, there are two really glaring things that are really leading to a more pronounced upset for me. First, of course, is and always will be thesis. I just feel like a stupid shit when I read these other people who have written on the topic and that I am utterly and completely incapable of doing this thing. I mean, how are my ideas supposed to mean anything when it comes to scientific analysis and what really counts. No matter what I write, scientists will keep doing whatever the hell it is that they are doing now, and philosophers would only ridicule me.

The second is work. I feel like a stupid shit there too, even more so than with my thesis, because I feel like I'm a detriment to the department. I made a mistake this week that wasn't critical, but it was something that could potentially be critical, and I had no idea I was making it. So my boss was getting a little huffy with me because I wasn't really sure what I was doing with a lot of this stuff. Basically, I really would like to cry right now, given the fact that in everything that I do, I'm basically sucking big time right now.

I wish my life didn't have to be like this. Sigh.

It's Colorado

So, less than fifteen hours ago, it was about 70 degrees. Right now, the wind is blowing at about 20 mph and by the way, there's over an inch of snow on the ground. Fascinating.

So my coughing is still causing me all sorts of problems. I'm sure if I kept a bottle around, I would have filled it by now with my expectorated mucus and saliva. I'm freaking stick of flu. Flu=shit. However, I must admit that except for the whole coughing issue, I'm doing fantastically this morning, which means, of course, that I can work my ass off on school stuff.

Today's plans involve getting as close to DONE with my thesis research as possible, catching up on my work lab notebook, and memorizing all my French vocabulary of vegetables, fruits, and grocery stock things like butter (la beurre) and oil (l'huile). This should be doable, but knowing me, I'll only get like 1/10 of it done.

Last night was nice, as I got to watch Persuasion by myself, and catch up on my genetics lab notebook. Fortunately, since we have not finished the lab from last week, I have no write up to turn in on Friday. This would let me focus on other things, but unfortuantely, I have very few large projects due this week. Actually, I think I don't have anything due this week...damn.

Well, then, since I have nothing due, I may as well take advantage of that fact and move forward with other classes. I may try to get ahead in logic so I don't have to care about that class at all for the next couple of weeks until the test on the 18th.

Spring break is in three weeks. Then there are only like six after that until the end of the semester. This springs forth words like "shit" and "holy hell" from my mouth, because I am running out of time.

Methinks I should get to work now. Adieu, mes amis.

So Much for Cure

I had two basically fantastic days, Thursday and Friday, with exception for some phlegm and coughing. I felt wonderful, alert, going strong, active minded, et cetera.

Today is a completely different story, and I am hoping that it's not related to this flu. I've now had it for 10 days, and I had hoped that everything was shaken off, but last night was not a good night sleeping. I had been in a chair downstairs for the last 6 days or so and last night was the first that I decided to try sleeping in my bed, and that left me coughing much of the night. So partially because of that, I'm tired and somewhat woozy. I'm getting a headache which I think is due to this front coming in, and I'm having more coughing and phlegm than yesterday. It may just be a downswing from weening off the drugs (which I now refuse to take again--I'm pretty much behind in everything, and I don't need to complicate things by taking Dimetapp or anything like that). I may sit outside for a while today, because it is a quite nice day.

School is looking somewhat brighter. I got 20 out of 20 on my last two genetics labs, but a 9/10 on my last quiz, because I could not remember for the life of me what a cloning vector did. And again, there is the fantastic success that accompanied my recent biostats test that I can't even remember taking.

This weekend is largely devoted to trying to get ahead on my thesis stuff. I had hoped last weekend to finish my research, however, the flu limited that. I don't think I'll get to writing any more of it this weekend, as I have 11 books to go through, but I do hope for progress, assuming that my mind doesn't collapse under this wooziness.

I'm starting to get cautiously more optimistic about most of my grades. Most, but not all. Thesis is the big exception.

However, I'm not as phased about getting a B or an A- as I used to be. If I were to get straight A's except for a B in thesis, my overall GPA would still be 3.98, and if I got an A-, then I would have a 3.99. That's a GPA I can live with, even if it's not 4.0.

Meh, I really don't feel like talking much more anymore. Back to work.

Recovering, slowly, yet hopefully, surely

So I think my immune system is finally starting to do its job by kicking whatever I've got's ass. I don't have many flu symptoms left anymore-my only issue is the coughing. Even my post-nasal drip issue is starting to work its way out of my body, so all I really have to do is (I would think) cough up what mucus is left in my chest, get a little sleep, and the flu should be kicked.

I decided last night that I don't really want to get a minor in business stuff, so I'm not going to do that. I'm going this summer to just take the history and japanese classes and work in the lab. I'm going to start putting my grad apps together, work, and save more money.

The money thing is going to have to be a big point of focus for me over these next couple of semesters, because I basically have like $400 to my name right now. I would like to use my own money to pay for what's left of my college for this summer, so I will probably have to save around $800, I hope. That should be doable. Then in the fall, I would only have more languages, maybe a biology elective or two, and my history thesis, and the undergraduate part of my life is done. Scary...

In MASSIVELY exciting news today, I got my first biostats test back (you know, the one I can't remember taking) and I got a 104 on it!!! Overwhelming excitation comes over me at the thought that I have once again resumed my role as a curve-buster.

All the grading I have left to get back this week is my last biochemistry quiz and my genetics lab that I turned in last week, both of which I should at least get an A on. Hopefully. I could use some A's.

There's been a lot of talk around about how grades are really inflated nowadays, and I certainly think that in some cases it's true. However, I have to claim, fully and completely, that I have earned every last A that I've gotten, except maybe one or two where I probably should have gotten an A- instead (that Kant and the Enlightenment class being my leading candidate).
I hope that my record shows the amount of effort that I have put into my education and how much I deserved my grades.

This semester will probably be the one that I work the hardest and the first where I still come up short. My thesis is a nagging example of how unlikely it is for me to maintain a 4.0. If, somehow, I do manage to keep my A's, then I should have no trouble getting into grad school, and any rejection will be completely unwarranted.

Tonight I have a genetics lab to finish, and some much needed sleep to get. I know I should work on it right now, but I really don't want to do so.

Um, I should though. Bye.

SICK

I am sick of being sick.

Yesterday, I was actually doing pretty decently for the vast majority of the day. Good enough where I probably could have gone to school, but I didn't.

Today though, I feel like crapola. I think I made the mistake of taking an expectorant (something like Mucinex) yesterday afternoon and it kept me up all night coughing. Then I've been taking coughing supressants that are also decongestants (which I really don't want), so basically what I'm doing is making my body secrete more mucus to go down my throat so that it can get coughed up later, only problem being that the supressant prevents it from getting coughed up.

Juicy details indeed, but I am so blech with all of this I can scream.

I have a biochemistry quiz tomorrow that I'm supposed to be studying for, but I just cannot focus, due to continued blech in my head.

In good news, the summer schedule came out today. This is basically what I can choose from:

JPNS 101: Japanese I
HIST 300: History of the End of the Ancient World
INFS 110: MS Office and Project Applications (ugh, required for the business minor)
MKTG 300: Principles of Marketing
ORMG 330: Intro to Management and Organization

Those bottom three might be totally whacked if I decide not to go for the business minor. That marketing class probably will have to be cut because it interferes with History, and I would prefer to have as few a number of classes as possible this fall. I'm going to wait and see what PPCC comes out with first before making any final decisions on summer classes, since PPCC is less than half the cost of UCCS.

SO that's it for now. I need to focus on biochem now.

Blech, sick again

I have not written on here in a while, thanks to a little bugger called the flu. Bollocks.

Why did I have to catch the flu? It's like the worst disease, after mono, I suppose, to have during the school year.

I was totally waylaid on Saturday and throughout most of the day on Sunday. Fortunately though I didn't start coming down with it until Thursday night when most of the week was already over.

Right now, I'm on the upswing again physically. However, it is cautiously. I am not going to school at all today (missing biochem and French) because I don't want to take the chance that I plunge again and then I'm hosed. I'm also only going to the bare minimum of classes on Tuesday and Wednesday (just biostats and biochem because there are a test and a quiz respectively that I have to do, and French because I cannot afford to miss two days in a row of that class). Fortunately, I have two classes on Wednesday that are not meeting, so then besides the two today I am missing, I'm not going to logic tomorrow morning. I'm not going to stress too much about getting up really early, because sleep is what I need the most right now.


I really need to study and get caught up on my philosophy resources now that I'm feeling a little better. Damn disease has set me back at least 4 or 5 days on everything. I'd be ahead of schedule now if it wasn't for this goddamn flu. Sod it all.

Hope on the horizon

I must express a certain level of shock about mostly positive developments over the last five or six hours.

1) I got a 92% on my biochemistry test. Not terribly impressive, but given that I only really studied for it the morning of, I'll take 92.

2) My thesis advisor said my ideas so far are REALLY good. Only problem is that I have 7-ish pages and I need 10 for tomorrow because I said I would get 10. Grr. I don't really know what else to say, to be honest.

3) My French and Logic tests were not that hard, easy, really.

4) I REALLY REALLY want to go to England for a Master's in my fantasy mind.

5) I've got most of my homework for this week done, soon it will be time to hit next week's HW.

Yeah, that's all right now really.

Rugged Disappointment

There's something about this semester that just isn't the same as last. I feel like my semester is absolutely devastating me, and it's only like 4 weeks through the damn thing.

That leaves me only 1/4 of the way through it all, and here I am, certain that failure is creeping into my life.

I am always tired now. Not just at night, but throughout the day. I am so exhausted by each day's developments that I barely have any energy to do anything at night, which forces me to do the majority of my homework on weekends. This leaves absolutely no time for me in most days.

I need something positive to light things up over this next week, lest I desire to strangle myself.

Replica

I have not been able to write in here in almost a week. Stunning, yes, but not overly unexpected, largely because I have had little to discuss. Right now, I have so many problems with school, that I barely have time to write anything in here anyways.

Good news things of this last week:
1. I have real direction on my thesis, whereas before, I definitely lacked that kind of direction.
2. McCain did, in fact, claim the trifecta, as well as a rash of support in Louisiana that promises in the convention this week to assign him delegates that Huckabee won't be getting. It looks like he may hit the 1191 mark this week with Romney throwing his delegates to McCain and WI, WA, and LA assigning delegates this week. If it's not enough, then we can basically sit on our hands between now and March 4 while we wait for Texas, Ohio, Vermont, and Rhode Island to cut Huckabee's political throat this year.
3. Watching the Vicar of Dibley has saved my sanity.

Bad news things this week:
1. I don't think I did that great on biochemistry exam.
2. Even though I have direction on my thesis, I am REALLY far behind on it already. I'm supposed to have a draft done my Spring Break, and right now, I think I may only be able to get maybe 85% of the way there by then.
3. I'm like really behind on getting paid because UCCS has not processed me in my new position yet, and that back pay problem means that it will all be paid to me at one day, when I can have all kinds of money taxed on me. I'll be paid like 600+ dollars, but a lot of those will be withheld for tax purposes.

Major decisions this week:
1. I am going to go full blown effort into getting one of the three big scholarships for Americans to study in Britain (Marshall, Rhodes, and Fulbright). If I get accepted for one of those scholarships, I will at least get my Master's over in England instead of here.
2. The research I'm doing in this lab is going to carry me majorly far if we get published. I have to be very hush-hush about the whole scientific business, but what we're working on may be huge.
3. I may have to take the GRE over again. My verbal scores are not impressive at all, and the math ones could probably go up a little.

Time to go back to working.

Only Tuesday?

Sigh. It's only the second day of the week, and here I am, desperately wanting it to be like 3 weeks from now. Or 6. Spring break sounds like such a luxury, yet it will be spent largely on driving and work.

I have a HUGE biochemistry test tomorrow that is making me feel like blah. I haven't studied too much for it, and won't until tonight after I get home from work.

I really really need a vacation. I may write more as the night goes on, but right now, I think I'll divert myself towards my homework due Thursday so tomorrow night can be slightly relaxing for me.

I'm going to go now. Here's to hoping that McCain wins the trifecta tonight.

Wishing

There are so many things that I would love to do; so many places I could go, so many things to finish up. Right now, at this moment, I feel like I'm going nowhere, making no accomplishments, slowly becoming one of those people with so much potential, but that's all.

I feel some kind of impending sense of failure, as if all these efforts I have made my enitre life are waste, as if my decisions, my desires, rather than helping me, are hurting me in the long run.

I swear, I am not doing enough. I am not accomplishing enough. What I have done, compared to other people everywhere is nothing. My accomplishments are essentially failures, and my goals are those of children.

It is in this ambience of self-denial and self-depracation that I utterly exist. Deep down, I know that no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, I will, in the end fail. I'll be such a disappointment, that it's not even funny. I will lose the game.

I can feel my very life slipping away, the minutes that go by and the experiences that are lost, the possibilities gone. I am not going to be anyone, I am not going to do anything worth remembering by anyone.

Sadly, that's what I want more than anything. To be an accomplisher, to be this amazing person, and I'm just not.

Only 3 months to go?

So today marks the point where 100 days remain between today and the end of this semester. I feel like such an amount of time is such a great distance that I may never make it to the end. Indeed, with 22 semester hours and about 20 hours of work a week, I am at the virtual end of my rope.

I had a really good idea for the research we're doing in the lab (I think), but I have not heard anything in recent weeks.

I decided for my biology seminar presentation, I'm going to present the article on bees that I did for my methods in immunology class last semester. The thing with the other class was that I presented something different (like what I would do if I was a researcher, not so much what the actual research was). That's a comfort, because now I don't have to think about what to do for that class, and I can soon make an outline for a presentation, and then slowly make a presentation. Then I don't have to worry about the class again, basically, until I give the presentation.

I did a lot of homework for school, not so much for work, this weekend, as I've gotten mostly caught up on the school department. For the rest of tonight, I can have the opportunity to knock out maybe 3 or 4 resources, followed by a similar number tomorrow. I have an outline of my thesis work, and every time I finish a book, I get to highlight it, and it's incredibly exciting. Actually, the more research I do, the more I get the feeling that I'm getting somewhere with my thesis and I can get some idea of how the whole evolving will work out. I have a good feeling that I'll have a finished draft by the time May comes, but I just am not sure it will be good enough to earn an A. I'm a biologist now, not a philosopher. My ideas are not good ones. They're just ideas with little logic and less convincing.

This week looks to be kinda meh, mostly because of my biochemistry exam on Wednesday, for which I MUST study more than I already have done. Next week is even worse because I'm supposed to have another ten pages of my thesis done by next Wednesday on top of the three tests I have on Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. The scary thing is that I have so much stuff due between now and Spring Break, and that's only six weeks away.

I kind of feel like crying when I think about my life.

I must admit that I've been feeling a certain amount of confusion about what I should do next year, partially because I have so little that I HAVE to do. I mean, I've already taken my GRE's and did acceptably on them. I'm not doing the Spanish minor now, and I'll be done with my Philosophy and Biology ones by the end of this semester. This summer then will be taking French III, Japanese I at community college, probably, some history upper division elective, and in all likeliness the environmental analytical chemistry course that's going to be offered at the very end of summer over a two week period. However, there are so many possible chemistry options that I can take this fall, I hear, that I may not need to do so. That leaves classes for fall at maybe French IV, if PPCC offers it, Japanese II, my history thesis, and my chemistry electives. On top of that, the only thing I can think to do is work.

Spring presents a bigger conundrum because I'll be totally done with school, except for potentially more French electives and Japanese III.

So I've been thinking about my options given that. The first is to spend the time really getting my grad school applications sparkling, really showing that my research, my biology experience, my four majors, and my 4 languages will be enough to get into grad school, doing all of the interview I'll get (which will probably be one or two at most). The second one I've been considering is to apply for the Rhodes Scholarship, but I've looked at the website and I don't really have an idea of how the application process works. I think I have to ahve my degree by Oct 1, 2009, but something about that doesn't seem right, since I get it almost a year ahead of time. The third, and probably the one that makes the least sense, is to go for a Master's in something here that can help me in the future. Of course, of all the options available at UCCS, the only one that I could possibly get is an MBA, and I don't see how that can help me in anything.

Perhaps I should just keep working and save up a bunch of money. I really would like to do something though.

Sigh, I must work on my thesis now.

Je deteste

I am really starting to hate my life right now. I need at least 48 hours off from school, and life, and everything, and I'm definitely not going to be getting that at any point in the next 14 weeks. Dammit, why do I have to intentionally hurt myself in such manners?

I fuckin' hate it when I do this to myself, because for a whole semester, I'm this flying bitch from hell. I'm ready ust to go to a block system for the rest of the semester, to do as much as I can as fast as I can, and then to be done.

Je deteste ma vie.

Then politics today are frustrating. Between Obama and Clinton I prefer her, and she's basically going to lose all three states today, by pretty healthy margins. I just don't think Obama will make a good president, because 1) he lacks experience, 2) I have no idea what his ideas are, I've looked all over for them, and I've found nothing, all I get is "change this" and "change that". He's got nice rhetoric, but I fear he lacks substance!, and 3) I just don't trust him. There's something behind all the fanciness that is suspicious. At least with Hillary, she's honest. She wants to tax the hell out of us for universal health care, aka, I'm going to learn how to treat wounds with plants and shiza because I'm not going to get any medicine.

fuckola, Obama won all three states. Shit. He's probably going to win all three on Tuesday unless Hillary pulls out a miracle. I'm going to have to pull for a Clinton to win. Then it looks like Huckabee might win all three. too

I seriously will LEAVE the country if Huckabee wins the total election. I will change citizenship to Switzerland and never come back to America.

I am also incredibly frustrated with my thesis. I feel like I have too many ideas, and it may screw me. Plus I have all these resources to go through. Ugh.

I hate my life right now.

Meh

I have had so little excitement this last week, it's not even funny. Well, politically speaking, the fact that Romney got his butt kicked was exciting, and that pretty much every conservative in CO is boo-hooing, including a certain GOP chairman of El Paso county who irritates the daylights out of me, based on a long and unpleasant history with his family. Such events are also upsetting to lame radio people like Rush Limbaugh who are part of an old and dying guard. There is a sense of distinction between the tried and failed bigotries of previous generations, and slowly has emerged a movement towards sense and pragmaticism as opposed to the typical behaviors that we have seen in our parents' and grandparents' generation.

Anyways, tomorrow are votes in Washington, Kansas, Louisiana and Nebraska. I think it'll mostly be a round-up for McCain-easy win in WA, probably easy in Kansas, and Louisiana is probably going to go 50/50. The more interesting thing is the dems, and I don't know that Hillary can avoid being swept. Nebraska will probably follow the lead of all its neighboring states and go for Obama, Louisiana has a heavy black population that will vote for Obama soundly, but Washington looks like Hillary may be competitive there with a history of pro-female voting. Maine I would think would go for Hillary, but you can never know these things.

Work this weekend promises to be challenging. I have three labs to catch up on, still, and that should take decent chunk out of one of my days this weekend.

I also have an exorbitant amount of petty homework and an excessive amount of invovled thesis research which promises to ruin my life. I intend on getting it all done, of course, but I do not long for the days when these things pick up again (aka, Monday).

I splurged today-I first paid off my current credit card bill, of 417.95, only to put another 132.25 on there. Gr. Oh well, I got paid today and will be again in two weeks, which should help things out a little.

Time to go to work (job #3).

Top ten things I need right now:

1) At least 8 hours of sleep.
2) My thesis to write itself
3) A five day weekend so I can catch up on all of my school stuff
4) A paycheck
5) Credit card debt to disappear
6) A vacation
7) Alcohol
8) Really happy people to shove it for a while
9) Colorado Republican tears (Romney's not going to win much of anything, suck it up!)
10) Not to see people who I know on the tele.

Elections are exhausting for those of us watching them.
Life is exhausting for those of us living it.

So I've gone through 5 more research books, and desperately hoping to get 2 more done sometime tonight. I of course also have to edit my first chapter that i've written so far, which is at best going to make it up to eight pages.

Huckabee won West Virginia, which surprised me, but not made me upset. I actually would like him to win a few states, because that means Romney won't win as many. Cruel, but true.

McCain is barely leading in Georgia as I write this, and I wonder if West Virginia in some way did not affect the outcome in many southern states.

So, I don't feel like writing that much now. I suppose I should go through my constant cycle of reloading elections data.

Life of few accomplishments

This weekend was disastrous towards my goals of getting things at least somewhat done. Keep in mind that list of thigns I had to do this weekend. I got a lot of the mundane little things done last Thursday, but beyond that, very little.

I do have 5 pages of my thesis written so far, and I'm supposed to have ten by Wednesday. I will work on it between biochemistry and French tonight, and then I'm going to edit it tomorrow. However much I have is how much I have. When I take in what I have done, I'll say that I did as muc has I reasonably could. She knows how much work I am doing, and hopefully will understand as to why I have very little done.

Wednesday is actually amazing because I have no class until 5:55 at night. All of my other classes for that day have been cancelled. Hotness. I'll be spending most of the day in the lab, probably, doing antibody staining and such.

I should also mention that I got a reasonable amount of my genetics lab done, which is good. The professor of the course is so laid back it's not even funny, so I should expect reasonably good grades. We have like 425 points in the course, of them 50 are just participation and showing up, and 100 of them are weekly math quizzes (making solutions, determining densities, etc.). I think I should easily get an A in that class. Keep in mind, when I took genetics, I got a 102% in the class overall.

So today's agenda is simple: work on lab write up from last week (I'm almost done), biochemistry class, big long break for thesis work, and finally French.

This week's agenda actually is really simple, come to think of it. I have very few thigns occupying my time.

The biggest two developments this week are in fact last night, which included the 4th quarter of the Super Bowl, which was possibly the most amazing 15 minutes of football I've ever seen, and tomorrow's Super Tuesday results. I took a look at CNN's Super Tuesday polling, and I'm shocked at what's going on on the Democrat side. The rate of Obama's ascendance is particularily alarming. I will reiterate my idea: Obama is a good person, intelligent, and represents a certian future of politics. He will probably be elected for higher positions in the future. The great problem is his lack of experience. If I was a Democrat more interested in the well being of this country than worrying about who is more electable, I would have to go for Hillary, just because she has that experience. If Obama is elected, he will be fighting constantly with his staff because he wants things one way and the tried and tested staff will want something else. The fact that Obama and Hillary are tied, for all intents and purposes means that the real focus shifts to Feb 12 states: Virginia, Maryland, and Washington D.C. I see a split result here too: Hillary should win at least Maryland, and maybe Virginia too (more even balance of white and black Democrats here), while Obama will win D.C. So then the real emphasis has to get pushed to Texas and Ohio, the two states that will probably determine the Democrat nomination. If the two are STILL tied, then Pennsylvania, which votes in April, determines the nomination.

Things on the Republican side are all but finalized. McCain has HUGE leads in New York, Connecticut, Delaware, Arizona, and New York, all five of which are like Florida, winner take all states. That's 252 uncontested delegates for McCain, and only 1100 are necessary to win.

I have some early Super Tuesday predictions:

McCain wins: Arizona, New York, Connecticut, New Jersey, Delaware, Illinois, Minnesota, North Dakota, Missouri, Georgia, Oklahoma, Montana, and most importantly, California.
Romney wins: Utah, Massachusetts, Colorado, Alaska, and West Virginia
Huckabee wins: Arkansas, Tennessee, and Alabama

That should give McCain about 627 delegates, in addition to his current 97, that should give him 724 delegates towards nomination, out of the 1100 needed. I think that should be enough to make the other two drop out, but if it isn't, there are contests in Kansas, Virginia, Maryland, D.C., Louisiana, and Washington where he can win in the week after S.T. I do not see the Republican race going strong all the way to Texas and Ohio.
Romney should get at least 200 delegates, and Huckabee will probably only get about 100.

On the Democrat side, I honestly see about a 50-50 split of the delegates available which should give Hillary and Obama around 900 each.

I need to get ready for school, and stop talking politics.

It's FEBRUARY!!!! That means I have reasonably three and a half months left in this semester. Unfortunately, I've only gone through two weeks of school. I have all of February to survive, and it looks like Feb will be my most stressful time. Mostly because I get no breaks and there aren't any in sight. My blogger is suddenly refusing to allow me to have paragraphs. How sad. So, whoever reads this is now forced to read me as one big, long drolling paragraph now. I did get some of my homework done, which is a very good thing. I have no logic or French homework left to do for the beginning of the week, and this morning I have every intention of finishing my homework for biostats this week. Other things on my agenda are obviously more work on my thesis (i.e., my ten pages) and writing up my labs. Lab lab lab. That's a continuing development for sure.

Hah! I figured out how to do paragraphs! I have to do Shift+Enter now instead of just enter. Muahahahahaha.

So today in other factors is the Maine caucus for Republicans, and I have to hope that McCain wins there too. I think he's going to take the lion's share of delegates, because Romney just is losing support everyday. He's failed to garner any major endorsements whereas McCain gets like 6 or 7 a day. He may very well be right when he says "the nomination may be over by Tuesday". I hope he is.

Obviously then, it's time to start considering his veep. Lieberman won't do it, as it has been discussed. I think picking a younger person would be smart, given McCain's age. So I have to hope that he picks Condi for Veep. I just have to hope for it.

Travaille!

Many screams

are rushing through my mind at this point. I think that I may shoot myself in the foot, or the face.

I have so much freaking homework it's not even funny.
Tonight, I need to catch up on my genetics lab stuff that I missed last week, and that's quite a bit. Freaking A.

Then on top of that, I will have all of this that I know of:

PHIL 112: 35 logic problems
FR 102: 15 questions
PHIL 495: 10 pages+at least 4 more sources
BIOL 431: Turn in grant proposal idea
BIOL 401: Article?
BIOL 384: Genetics report/genetics quiz.
BIOL 300: Group Exercise 1, Homework 2
Work: Lab catch-up and Flow-Jo

I know this semester is finally going to kill me. I will be successful in that much.

One thing I'm really concerned about for my thesis is that the advisor recommended that for my defense committee, she decided that the meanest and most intimidating professor in the department should be on my committee. That's scary.

I think the ten pages I will write will outline the problem and start to go into the historical scientific discovery.

I need to pick up books from the library. I think I'll do that tomorrow after genetics.

To work

I am so embarrassed of myself right not it's not funny.
I think I may have hit a new low.
I am just so tired.

La vie

My life, as usual, is filled with all these complications, many of which I actually am causing myself. This is nothing out of the ordinary, of course.

Tomorrow is Wednesday, which is a day that my thesis class meets. I'm still convinced I'm going to end up blowing it in that class. Convinced. I hope my argument is going to make some kind of sense, but I have this sneaking feeling that it won't.

I do have a defense committee that I want, Dr. Cutter and Dr. Tanner are the philosophy people that I want, and Cutter has agreed to allow someone to come in who doesn't have an impact on my grade, and that will for sure be Dr. Haggren.

I should be finishing my outline for it now, but I will wait until I get home to actually finish all of it.

In other news, I decided to add the genetics lab being offered, because I can see a lot of utility in it towards getting into grad school. I used to think that the classes were what matters, but I see that the labs actually are just as important, if not moreso. This however does mean that I have no Fridays off anymore. I do however have Mondays and Wednesdays off until nearly 11 AM, so it's a fair trade I think.

Plus, I have a sneaking suspicion that the lab might go towards a BS when they publish the classes that will be required.

What else? Hmm, I have a LOT of homework over the next two days. I did some of my French, and after I finish posting, I will finish it. I also have critical thinking for Thursday that I should be able to knock out pretty fast. Same goes for biostats, as I have a slight amount left to finish for that homework. Outline also.

I am starting to feel like there is a light at the end of the tunnel, but I'm just too far away from being able to grasp at it. I think once I start getting more grades coming in, I'll have a better appreciation for just how close I am to graduating...which is 327 days from now. Actually, that's a lot, come to think of it.

Florida is wrapping up its voting now. I am so hoping that McCain wins. If he does, the nomination is totally his to lose. Giuliani will be effectively knocked out and Romney will be momentarily stunned..enough for McCain to step in and just about finish off the nomination come a week from today.

Democrats in Florida don't matter. So eh, no point talking about them.

It's hard to believe that it's been seven years that Bush has been president. It doesn't feel like that many. In some ways, it's felt longer and in others, not. I didn't feel the same about Clinton when he was nearly done, because I think there was so much change that it felt like 8 years. But with Bush, we've been in Afghanistan like 6 years and Iraq 5 or something like that. That's longer than I thought. It feels like maybe 4 in AFG and 2 or 3 in Iraq. Time is going by so fast, it's hard to believe. Then again, I am almost done with college. That's going to be shocking when I finish this semester.

To work. Adieu.

Changes

I changed my schedule, mainly because I just don't think I can dedicate the time necessary to all of my classes. So, because of that, I decided to drop my spanish class so that basically I only have one class in which I have considerable papers to write. I do have one to write in my advanced immunology class, but that is something that will be worried about in more detail come spring break.

In good news, UCCS has finally come to its senses and decided to offer a Bachelor's of Science in Biology. When this begins, I dunno, but I hope they can have it in place this fall so I can get my BS instead of just a BA.

I have been thinking about adding the Genetics Laboratory, because I think that would be total coolness. I'm not totally sure on it yet, but it would be a good thought worth having. I don't know how that would work with my work schedule though. I would have to check with my boss on that one.

I am tired, to be honest. I think tonight, I may just do some French homework and then go to bed for lack of energy to keep trying to do more. Tomorrow will require much work, both at my job, and in getting the rest of my outline together for my thesis class. It's so hard to believe that I have to have an entire chapter of it done next week. Egads. This weekend is totally and completely dedicated to that, if nothing else, I fear.