Pensivity

I've been quite thoughtful today. Not in a considerate connotation of the word, but in the thinking one.

I keep thinking about how much of a failure I am in comparison to my expectations for myself. I don't know why it is that I have not been able to do everything I thought I would be able to do. I mean, it looks like right now I'm going to be graduating with 3 majors and 2 minors with a third one that will be added on after I graduate. I'll be at various levels of fluency in 4 languages. Most people would think wow about all of that, but I'm disappointed that I haven't done more. Granted, I am graduating a semester early, so I probably could have gotten a fourth major or a fourth minor if I went a full 4 years. But I think of all the opportunities I wasted--taking only 19 hours my first semester, only 16 my second.

Then there were those classes that are basically a total waste to me right now--Contemporary Currents of Catholicism being the number one class there, but the algebra based physics class I took was an equally notable waste of my time. I should have just taken the calculus one, but I didn't anticipate on taking physical chemistry, so I dunno.

I do have to admit that switching to UCCS is one of the best decisions I've made ever. I can't imagine what I would have done with my life had I not changed.

There are other things that I'm glad that I have changed also. My once fervent conservativism was inappropriate. I once embraced very strong pro- or very strong anti- attitudes. I was homophobic (now I am a firm believer in at least granting equal rights and civil unions [aka legal marriage]). I was pro-religions (now I am incredibly suspicious of any authorities, religious, political, social, etc.). I took hard stands on every possible position and I've realized that there are no cut and dry circumstances.

Take a look at abortion. I used to believe that it was ALWAYS wrong. I mean always. But I never thought about the implicaitons involved. Would it be right for me to tell a woman that it doesn't matter if that fetus is going to kill her, that she has to carry it to term? No. Conversely though, I don't think that the woman is entitled to kill an organism (feuts, baby, whatever) for selfish, non-life preserving interests. It's not the organism's fault that she didn't use proper birth control. It is a developmental issue when the fetus will kill the mother--e.g. extrauterine pregnancy. No one's at fault, but an abortion is almost a necessary thing there. And there are so many more sticky issues.

On another level, I've sort of realized that despite the immense maturity that I've undergone in the last several years, that I still harbor a lot of the same old feelings that I once harbored--most of them hate oriented. I hate pretty much everyone that I went to school with in middle school. High school is sort of a fifty-fifty thing. Those from Regis generally are in the anti- category. There are exceptions of course to all these conditions. Readers of this blog being the most notable ones. Without these people I can't imagine how much I would have suffered throughout my life and with them in it, I am incredibly grateful.

But in the last weeks, I've heard crap about people I went to school with at CCC and at PHS. I have to say that any of their successes have generally upset me and their failures give me pleasure that there's karma out there and that in some small way I've got an impact on it. I got this Regis magazine in the mail the other day--I get it every semester, it's like an alum thing--and looking at it I realize that that place is this thing I don't care about, and the people that were in that magazine are neither really important to me. Out of everyone I went there with--I probably only really care about what happens to 2 or 3 (Maricor of course being included).

But with the others, there's this motivation within me that's probably not a very good one, that says to crush them. Not physically or anything like that, but in terms of my success compared to theirs. There's this one person who's starting to worry about post-grad stuff with their useless majors and nonexistant goals. The only reason she's picked the two options that she has (work or grad school) is because she's got nothing else that she can pick. It's like "hell, I've done school for 16 years, why not 4 more?". Business majors in general evoke these emotions in me. I don't think people should be doing more school unless they need it for a job or to do something amazing. Being a doctor, a social worker, a teacher, etc. requires this. That's worth the price of more schooling. But I don't think that more schooling is useful when it comes to studying things like literature.

When I think about my position in comparison to these other persons, who chose to pursue useless majors without a back up, without enough of a standing to go into medical school or go for a law degree, or get the kind of training and understanding necessary to be an effective educator (again, something that DOES something), I do have to say that I feel comforted in knowing that my last 15 years of work have not gone to what might be a dead end.

I have enough options ahead of me (grad school, foreign work with DWB, Peace Corps, etc., employment, etc.) where I can feel somewhat secure.

However, there's that motvation to make sure that those other people who I despise know their place. And that place is someplace that is frankly somewhere less successful than me.

So now that we've established that Ray's crazy.

I finished all the writing on my thesis today. Tomorrow=throw in some pics and fix my cites/formatting and printing the bitch.