Learning from Mistakes

That's today's theme anyways, because I've made a few in the last few days. It's hard to describe exactly what they are because to some people they would be gravely serious and to others it would be not serious at all.

Regardless of how people see it, I see them as almost necessary. Actually, probably totally necessary. Because from these mistakes that I have made, I have not only learned a lot about myself, but also have realized that my own personal crusade on which I embarked at the beginning of the year has had serious falterings. The monkey on my back, which shall forever be the darkest stain on my life, came back in February. I didn't want to mention it, but it did. I was doing really well for a while, and I had gotten this bad habit down to nearly eliminated. But then I had a couple of stressful weeks and I relapsed right back into it. This week was probably the most extreme in probably a few years...maybe 3?

(By the way, I've had this problem since 9th grade. I've been trying to shake it since then without much luck. I did have a period where I did nothing with it for maybe 5 months, but the whole stress thing came back and I went right back into it).

Anyways, the whole culmination of this problem came this week, when I was REALLY stressed out about getting tests back, working in my thesis, and then my advanced immunology presentation and cooking. Yesterday, having finished all of that, I snapped.

I must say that what happened yesterday was quite possibly the worst experience in my entire life. It was painful, it was hazardous, but looking back on it, it was necessary. Whenever you read about drug addicts, you always hear about how they reach their lowest point (I'm not a drug addict, but I can sympathize with them). Yesterday was that point for me. I subjected myself to grave and serious danger, physically, mentally, and psychologically. The worst thing of all was that until this morning, I neither really remembered it, nor did I really care.

Today, however, with the benefit of hindsight, I know that the bottom point has been reached, that the crusade which I began had seriously faltered, that the monkey basically bred five more monkeys on my back. Today, they come off.

My mistake was bad in most respects. But it was a necessary one. It has made me realize the serious consequences that my actions can have on myself for perhaps the first time. Maybe because it was because I was alone that I was allowed to take such outrageous actions to their extreme. That knowing without any possibility of any family being around, I could in my solitude indulge in the darkest elements of the monkey. To be in a place where I can make a mess and tidy it without drawing suspicions. My tracks could forever be covered. In any regard, I have taken my horrid experience yesterday and decided to destroy that legacy of my life forever. To use yesterday's mistake as a reminder of the dangers involved with my behavior.

The crusade was not defeated yesterday. It was damaged, but today, it arises with total and complete force. I will crush this monkey with every ounce of strength that I have. The iron rod with which I crush my academic enemies will now be used to crush the monkey on my back. This time, I don't have to crush myself either. I can emerge from these mistakes with greater motivation and a greater maturity than what I once had. I can no longer do these things to myself and risk my sanity, my potential, and my life.

I took the first step today. Embracing the need for change, and tossing out the means by which I could destroy myself. For that, I am proud of myself.

Today begins the rest of my life. I now truly am on day one of defeating my internal enemy. The monkey will have to do elsewhere.