Depressed?

I'm starting to think I may be depressed. I have just been so out of my normal kilter for the last two weeks or so that I just don't really know what to do with myself. I'm right now convinced that I'm going to completely blow something somewhere between today and May 19. There's something I'm going to screw up so badly.

I decided that I'm not going to take my trip after all after I graduate. First of all, I have no guarantees about anything after I graduate, including grad school, and so until all of that is sorted out, I have no business planning any vacations. Chances are pretty good that I'm not going to be accepted to any grad program, so I'm going to have to get used to the idea that I'll be making no more than $10 per hour anytime within the next ten years. Secondly, I right now have like $450 to my name. I need to establish something more for myself than living on the edge of being totally broke. If I can save money over summer and throughout next year, I can have a safety net. Going to Europe really does nothing to preserve that net.

I need to realize that right now, I'm an adult and that I have to plan for things long term now, rather than just a few months. I need to understand that I can't be spending money on these things when I need to be saving it. I'm fortunate that I don't ehave to worry about kids or a wife ever, but within the next two years, I have to have enough money to pay for rent, wherever I live and car insurance. I'm probably not going to get health insurance, because I honestly haven't been to a doctor for anything since senior year of high school. I figure that if I get something either I'll recover from it on my own or it'll kill me. One must die at some point, eh?

Besides, health insurance companies never really cover that much procedure-wise anyways. I'm better off just saving money and spending it when I have the procedure or if I have to go into the doctor.

I am so tired, I can't really stand it anymore.

To be honest, the more I've considered it, the more I've realized that no matter how hard I try, I'm not really going to matter that much. Sure, I may publish a couple papers here and there, but I'm never going to do anything memorable, I'll never discover anything memorable. I'm probably going to turn out something like my uncle. It's somewhat disappointing to know that I've spent the last 15 years working and it's all going to be for nothing.