Undone

So, that togetherness that I had been talking about two days ago is kind of gone, for a number of reasons.

First though, I must clarify some of my vagueness of the last two weeks or so. I keep alluding to something that happened three years ago, and all of these uncharacteristically deep things. What happened is that three years ago last Monday, someone I went to school with for 5 years died in a car accident because he was drunk, at 17.

Anyone who knows me from high school, and I think most everyone who reads this blog has at least seen, knows that after he died, I decided to paint his portrait (my first one), and give it to his family. I don't remember what exactly motivated me to do it, but since I had like no experience to do portraiture, it took me about 7 weeks (I say three months, because I had to sketch the thing on a canvas, blow up the computer, and take breaks for sanity's sake. The total period is about three months) to paint it, and in the process, I was pretty heavily affected. When you look into someone's eyes for that long, for hours a day (I think I worked on it for 10 hours one day), pretty much everyday, you get this feeling that you know the person instinctively. It's impossible to describe in words, but I can tell you that I inherently know the essence of this person. What my problem is is that I have absolutely no memories of him whatsoever. Like I know nothing about him, his characteristics, how tall he was, what he liked, what he did, his personality, etc. So basically, I ahve what I call a shadow in my mind. There's this person there who I essentially know, but I know nothing about him. I think the closest thing you can come to is when you see a picture of someone, and you know who it is, but you cannot put a name to it. It's kind of close. Maybe not.

So anyways, the last two weeks have been me basically obsessing about this, because I still, after 3 years, haven't gotten over the fact that this person I know is dead, and I'll never get the chance to know anything about him. Everyone else who knew him is able to deal with it in some ways because they have memories, they can share feelings and memories, and they can at least relive his life in their minds. But for me, I have nothing, nothing that I can share, except for the fact that I have this shadow stalking me in my mind, and I cannot put a light to the shadow. It's just there. I'm trapped in a world in which no one who knew him could relate to me, and it will be like that as long as I live. I cannot move on, because I have nothing to base moving on. The only reason I have been able to live with it for the last three years is that I eventually force myself to sort of forget about him, but anytime I get a glimpse of that portrait (I took pictures of it for me to remember what I accomplished) or am reminded of the anniversary, my inability to get over his death rises again in my mind and snatches me.

So that's what I've been dealing with for the last two weeks, and that's the tragedy that I was generally referring to in my last post. That's the case where the little thing turns out to kill you. I've had friends of friends and even people my sister knew get married too young, get pregnant, etc. and it's all sort of made me see that if I'm not proactive about my life, then I'll get caught like them and end up failing in my goals. Basically, everything I've observed in THESE cases, I've internalized and made myself see that any moment of leisure can lead to my demise.

That's what I mean when I say that I must be an iron rod. I have to be impenetrable to these feelings and desires, because I am inherently weak-hearted. If I am not constantly convincing myself of potential failure, then I will let go and actually fail. I've gotten close many a time in my college career.

But right now, in this semester, there are less than three weeks left, and I'm sitting here writing at the most comfortable I have been grade-wise since I started college. This is what my CURRENT (not guaranteed) grades are:
BIOL 383: 100.5%
BIOL 391: 101.0%
FR 101: 100.67%
BIOL 409: 99.89%
BIOL 481: 97.0%
HIST 411: 98.5%
SPAN 425: 97.0%
CHEM 451: 95.65% (if I don't throw out my second-lowest score, it's 97.7% if I do)

I look at that and go, DAMN. I have three grades over 100%, and all of my grades are securely A.

But I think about these next two weeks, and how many points are out htere, waiting to be lost, and I find myself horridly terrified that this is the semester that I trip up, assume that I am too same, and then get an A- or worse.

This weekend has not been as productive as I would have liked, and I have not really watched any football, which is my normal distraction (I've maybe seen 10-15 minutes of it). In fact, I have driven all of my distractors out of my mind, and still, I find myself flailing this break, waving my hands like I'm lost.

However, I look at where I was before break, and go "DAMN, I got some work done". Before break, I had nothing done on this extra credit poster for my immunology lab, and now, it's basically done. I just have to make it look fancy, fill in a few extra notes that I've been missing, print it all out, and put it on a science poster. I had almost none of my Spanish books read for my final paper before break, and now I've gone through all the ones I have, and I found like 5 or 6 more online. I had nothing done for my history paper, and now I have a first draft done. Those three things alone are spectacular. Not to mention al lof the little dinky thinks floating out there.

Still, however, I am daunted by what lies ahead of me. I actually have to finish that poster, go through at LEAST 5 more drafts of history, and the other five Spanish sources that I have found this week alone. I also need to get all the sources I've found for my immunology HIV paper, and get ready for the French final.

That's just this week too.

Next week is far worse, as I have to write my Spanish paper, the immunology paper, then I have to do my genetics exam, and any number of other things that I have to go through next week.

I keep thinking that I have all of these possibilities for the rest of the semester, yet I cannot help but feel the impending doom of failure over my head.

And my inability to deal with Brandon right now really isn't helping.