Oh so tired

As of now, it's three weeks until final crunch time. THREE WEEKS.
I have no idea how I'm going to do everything that I have to do in that amount of time. Here's just a sampling of what is left:

Biochemistry: Exam 3, Exam 4 (exam 3 goes tomorrow, then it's I don't care about Biochem for three weeks)
Immunology: HIV Paper, Exam 4
Methods in Immunology: PCR Lab, Extra Credit Poster, Exam 3
Early Medieval History: Egil's Saga reading, Essay 3, Essay 4
Latin American Civilization: Oral 3, Final Paper, Final Oral
French I: Exam 4, Exam 5, Daily assignments and quizzes
Physical Chemistry: Quiz 5, Quiz 6, Exam 3
Genetics: Reading 4, Discussion 10, Exam 4

All of that in three weeks. Damn. I'm like totally fucked in every imaginable way.
It makes me REALLY glad that I've built up all of these buffers in all of my classes. I can kind of slack off on some of my stuff. A 100% on my biochemistry test tomorrow (HA HA HA HA) will mean that I can get away with a 72% on the final and still hold my A steady. If I can get 100% on my last two P-Chem quizzes, then I can get an A in the class with a 44% on the final.

See how important some things are these last three weeks? I've got to stabilize these buffers that I've built up all semester long. Even in genetics, stabilizing my buffers will totally help me to get my A in that class, although it's pretty much assured in that class. Assuming that I get 100% on all of my remaining assignments, I only need to get 25 points on the final, and 50 of them come from review, so I'm basically going to nail genetics.

I should have used this weekend to get ahead in my classes,which I definitely didn't do. I finished a whole bunch of stuff for my methods class on Friday, but this weekend has been so unproductive. I mean, seriously. I've studied for biochem a little bit and I read a chapter for Spanish. That's it.

So, I am fortunate that there is no Desperate Housewives on tonight, so at 8 PM it's study mania until at least midnight. Then tomorrow morning at work, it's all study.

I'm so ready for things to get done, but I can't grasp them.

Anyways, I think part of my problem of this week has been last Monday. Since this is a public post, I don't care to discuss it a lot, but it riled all this emotional crap that I've been going through for three years, on and off, and I just cannot deal with it. It wrecked my high school year, and it wrecked my career, and basically everything. I was so set, so ready for life three years ago, and what happened then derailed me totally. I've been reading all of my old blogs, going through journals, driving down old roads, trying to figure out why this has been such a problem for me, and I'm a little bit closer, maybe because I'm wiser than I was three years ago, but still, I am exceedingly bothered.

Essentially, what bothers me is that I have nothing. The whole universe has this nostalgia about before three years ago, and I have nothing that can support me, as I consider it. I wish I had known three years ago what I would do to myself. I don't know htat I would change it, but I think it would have helped actually to be prepared. Look where it's gotten me though.

I think everyone else is going to be able to come to closure faster than I could ever hope to do so, because I lack memories. There are all these people who can talk and remember, but I have no memories. When I hear stories and remembrances, it's all new to me, and I find myself more isolated than ever.

This gives me a two-fold problem. First, I become ever more dedicated to isolating myself from the world. As if I'm saying that if I'm not supposed to have any memories, then to prevent further damage, I have to rally against the universe. Fighting alone for me, is easier than fighting with someone by my side. This dedication to isolation arises in that I must isolated myself by succession. If I continually succeed, then I can remain other from these people who can afford talking. They have the free time, and if I crush the time, I crush the pain.

Secondly, I do everything I can to chop apart any relationships that are left. Almost all of my relationships now are strictly professional. I share nothing about myself, such that, no one in the world outside my immediate family, has no idea who I am.

It's positive feedback, over and over and over again.

And it sucks.