Quickie

I have the need to update, to escape my life for a minute or two, or ten. Whatever is the case.

Today is Monday, the first day back after a very short break. I look forward to the end of these three weeks, when I can wake up on December 13 or 14 or whenever I finish this semester, and realize that I no longer have to work, for a month, at least. When I wake up and realize that there's nothing more the semester can demand of me, and that I my fate rests in the hands of hopefully competent professors.

I still have this overarching uncertainty around me that this is the semester that I finally lose it. That my GPA finally dips below that hallowed 4.0 and I realize that I am finally not as perfect as I think I am.

That fear though does not stop me now. I am driving with everything that I've got for these last three weeks to be success, and I feel like I'm almost there. That with just a little effort, I'll breakthrough the barriers that define my academic life, and the comfort of security will finally be mine.

But before then, I have so much to do, so many things that occupy my time and my life (which of course, begs the question as to why I am writing on here).

What is so ironic is that despite my grades being so strong, I am still in such a vulnerable state, that any moment's notice will lead to total and complete failure.

I think this history essay may be the one that breaks me. It's the class that allows the least leeway and I'm just not all that comfortable with the essay. I lack a lot of focus, but the good thing is that I see that and I can get that focus my hammering my thesis. I'm on track, and probably, at this stage, somewhere in the C+ to B- range. If I can spend today cleaning up my drafts (I've already downed my second draft and once I get off of this, I'm going to type up my third one, leaving three to go in two days), I should hopefully at least get into B+ to A- range. The thing is that in college, I've never gotten less than an A- for writing, at least at UCCS (I did get a B+ on a philosophy paper at Regis...boo), and I hardly expect that to change.

So why am I so panicked? I dunno. At least a week from tomorrow, I'll have a good idea of where I'm going to end up in history.

My grade whoreness is arising again, which is a good thing. I must satiate myself with lots of grades, and these last three weeks have no shortage of them. Unfortunately, I get like no new ones at all this week, so I will have to wait until next week to satiate my desire and my need.

This week, I have plans. I have created plans that are designed to carry me through these next five days:

Monday=HISTORY, HISTORY, HISTORY
Tuesday=Finishing research for my Spanish paper
Wednesday=Studying for my French final, starting my Spanish paper
Thursday=Continuing Spanish, taking French final
Friday=SPANISH SPANISH SPANISH
Saturday=Collecting TONS of Immunology research
Sunday=writing immunology paper and Spanish
Monday=EDITING SPANISH AND IMMUNOLOGY+Finishing my poster

All in all the next week freaking sucks.

My depressive self is being jammed into a corner until I can finish this semester. Come December 14, I can boo-hoo all I want to about that which sucks in my life.