Not helping myself out any

Today is kind of the one day that I've taken off this break. All I've done (and it's 4 PM) is almost finish my first edit of my history paper, which shockingly is not terrible. In fact, it's the best first draft that I've written this semester. However, I also got five, or six, more resources for my Colombia essay which I need to go through before Wednesday, which is when I start writing my FINAL EXAM in Spanish. Ten pages=shit on me right now.

Seriously, I jsut found like the second best version of the song Landslide on youtube from an a capella choir (first place is reserved for any version involving Stevie Nicks). People should totally listen: http://youtube.com/watch?v=92AG17emOHc

Today has not been good for additional reasons besides my inability to focus on school work.

I finally caved and went someplace I haven't been in those three years I keep repeating. Well, actually, it's more like two, because I think I went on the one year anniversary, so we'll change that number to two. Not a pleasant experience. That whole iron rod thing went out of the window, and for the first time since Feb of 2005, I actually felt like crying. I was kinda close, but I managed to contain myself long enough to re-establish control.

I also thought about the options that I have to deal with this, and I realize that I have very few. Firstly, the nubmer of people who have the kind of familiarity that I have is low. The number of people who are dealing with the same thing as me in this case is definitely one, which is just me.

I thought about getting a hold of his family again, or some of his close friends that might actually talk to me, which I think may be one, but I realized that if I do this, I'm going to do very little to help myself, and I may actually do things to conjure up unwanted feelings in other people.

So I know two things that I will do. The first thing I'm going to do, is go it alone emotionally. I'm not going to make anyone else suffer along with me, I don't flow that way.
The second thing is that his family made a foundation in his name partially for outreach and partially to make scholarships for deserving local students who advocated against drunken driving. I'm going to save up my money and give as sizeable a donation that I can give when I graduate from college a year from now. On the fourth anniversary, maybe. I'd like it to be around $1000, but with how much money I make vs. spend, I'll probably only have about $500 that I can give. I suppose every little bit helps, but, I have this overwhelming need to further make a difference and use it to at least help me cope if I cannot get over basically everything I wrote in my last post.

Back to history-onto the second draft soon!