I am so freaking tired. I spent like an hour and a half pasting all the schitzna on my poster for methods, but, I can say with great happiness, that it's done. However, sucking in rubber cement fumes for that long did very little to help my mind, as I think I killed about half of the cells in my brain. I also feel like shit today, possibly because of that. I am actually hoping it's because of that, because the rest of my family is sick with this terrible, awful thing, and I really don't want terrible, awful things in my body. I'm supposed to be becoming an immunologist, and getting sick means that I would be a bad one.
Today is going to be pretty meh. I have a P-chem quiz today for which I have barely studied. I know all of my equations, but I haven't used them for anything. I'm going to do the homeworks in chapters 10 and 11 after I get done posting this.
I've started reading all of my stuff for my HIV paper, and I have a good idea about how I'm going to do the paper. Basically, I'm going to say that first, all of our efforts will be useless against HIV if we cannot develop a social environment conducive towards stoppings its spread, and dealing with the social issues beneath HIV that allow it to be so strong. Second, I'm going to mention that the techniques we have are generally effective, but there is more of a problem with compliance so the virus has the opportunity to adapt. Third, I'm going to describe current approaches to HIV/AIDS treatment and vaccine development. THEN, I need to propose a new method of HIV Vaccine development.
Travaille!
Friday, November 30, 2007
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Finishing tihngs out
Today was the end of all of my French grades. I got an A on my final (it was oral, so she told me), and the chapter test doesn't matter, because I got A's on all of the rest of my tests and the lowest one drops.
So that means, I can comfortably say, my first grade of the semester:
FR 101 Introductory French I: A
That's hot.
So now I'm down to 21 hours left to worry about. That's good too. I really need more reasons not to worry about things. These next 24 hours are a real opportunity to diminish worrying in 6 more hours with my Extra Credit Poster (WHICH I STILL HAVE NOT FINISHED DAMMIT) and my P-chem quiz tomorrow, for which I probably won't study until tomorrow morning at work.
UGH. Two weeks. Si, se puede.
I just don't know if I can do it.
So that means, I can comfortably say, my first grade of the semester:
FR 101 Introductory French I: A
That's hot.
So now I'm down to 21 hours left to worry about. That's good too. I really need more reasons not to worry about things. These next 24 hours are a real opportunity to diminish worrying in 6 more hours with my Extra Credit Poster (WHICH I STILL HAVE NOT FINISHED DAMMIT) and my P-chem quiz tomorrow, for which I probably won't study until tomorrow morning at work.
UGH. Two weeks. Si, se puede.
I just don't know if I can do it.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Again
So I'm posting again, which is pretty pointless at this point, mainly because I have nothing to add.
I'm going to switch over to Spanish/French for the rest of the post, parce qu'il y a beaucoup de gente en ese cuarto.
Yo no entiendo pourquoi j'ai un tiempo dificil con enfocarme. Estoy listo para terminar este semestre, pero por algunas razones, simplemente no puedo hacer lo que es necesario para terminar el semestre.
Estoy esperando un cambio, y no puedo gastar el tiempo esperando cuando debo gastar el tiempo haciendo. Haciendo mi devoir, sacando buenas notas, estudiando, etc.
Y por qué? Normalmente yo soy tan motivado para hacer todo necesario para sacar las A, mais aujord'hui, je n'ai pas l'intention d'étudier, mais gastar le temps pensando del pasado, viviendo en un museo de nostalgia.
Y cómo puedo escapar? Puedo anticipar el cambio que venirá? No sé.
Necesito enfocarme, convinzarme que sin el trato total, no podré sacar A.
Obviamente, escribiendo en ese diario, yo no estoy enfcando ahora.
I'm going to switch over to Spanish/French for the rest of the post, parce qu'il y a beaucoup de gente en ese cuarto.
Yo no entiendo pourquoi j'ai un tiempo dificil con enfocarme. Estoy listo para terminar este semestre, pero por algunas razones, simplemente no puedo hacer lo que es necesario para terminar el semestre.
Estoy esperando un cambio, y no puedo gastar el tiempo esperando cuando debo gastar el tiempo haciendo. Haciendo mi devoir, sacando buenas notas, estudiando, etc.
Y por qué? Normalmente yo soy tan motivado para hacer todo necesario para sacar las A, mais aujord'hui, je n'ai pas l'intention d'étudier, mais gastar le temps pensando del pasado, viviendo en un museo de nostalgia.
Y cómo puedo escapar? Puedo anticipar el cambio que venirá? No sé.
Necesito enfocarme, convinzarme que sin el trato total, no podré sacar A.
Obviamente, escribiendo en ese diario, yo no estoy enfcando ahora.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Immunology exam: 105%. WOOT!
So I did get a grade today, something that I thought I would not get.
Two weeks from tomorrow, I'll basically be done except for an oral presentation in Spanish about my final (which I start tomorrow...) and an immunology exam.
Damn, this semester is coming to an end so fast, I wonder if I'll be able to handle all of the world swirling around me for the next two weeks.
This is what I have left to do in 2 weeks:
BIOL 383: Exam 4
BIOL 409: Exam 3, Lab Notebook 10, Poster Presentation
BIOL 391: Exam 4, HIV Paper
BIOL 481: Exam 4
CHEM 451: Quiz 5, Quiz 6, Exam 3
HIST 411: Essay 3
SPAN 425: Final Essay
FR 101: Chapter 4 Exam, Final Exam
Time to bust ass.
So I did get a grade today, something that I thought I would not get.
Two weeks from tomorrow, I'll basically be done except for an oral presentation in Spanish about my final (which I start tomorrow...) and an immunology exam.
Damn, this semester is coming to an end so fast, I wonder if I'll be able to handle all of the world swirling around me for the next two weeks.
This is what I have left to do in 2 weeks:
BIOL 383: Exam 4
BIOL 409: Exam 3, Lab Notebook 10, Poster Presentation
BIOL 391: Exam 4, HIV Paper
BIOL 481: Exam 4
CHEM 451: Quiz 5, Quiz 6, Exam 3
HIST 411: Essay 3
SPAN 425: Final Essay
FR 101: Chapter 4 Exam, Final Exam
Time to bust ass.
Homestretch
I'm on it now. I've decided that at this point, most everything new about the semester is totally over, and that it's time to start focusing on knocking off some of the easy classes, or at least, the ones that have tons of things due in the next week.
The history essay is printed and ready to turn in. I'm pretty sure that it's no where near as good as my first two, so I'm only willing to give myself a guaranteed 85% on it.
Tonight is going to be finish up my poster presentation project night. It will be done, and I will be this happyish thing.
Tomorrow isn't actually going to be too icky. I have to surivive a p-chem lecture, which will be the low point of the day, and basically manage to stay awake in all of my classes.
I'm down to 13 things left to do for grades. I wish that I could get it all done sooner, but, alas, my daily life slows things down a little bit.
I'm on my very last source for my spanish paper, so that writing will commence tomorrow. Awesomeness.
I'm hopefully on task for this semester. If not, then I'm hosed.
The history essay is printed and ready to turn in. I'm pretty sure that it's no where near as good as my first two, so I'm only willing to give myself a guaranteed 85% on it.
Tonight is going to be finish up my poster presentation project night. It will be done, and I will be this happyish thing.
Tomorrow isn't actually going to be too icky. I have to surivive a p-chem lecture, which will be the low point of the day, and basically manage to stay awake in all of my classes.
I'm down to 13 things left to do for grades. I wish that I could get it all done sooner, but, alas, my daily life slows things down a little bit.
I'm on my very last source for my spanish paper, so that writing will commence tomorrow. Awesomeness.
I'm hopefully on task for this semester. If not, then I'm hosed.
Monday, November 26, 2007
Quickie
I have the need to update, to escape my life for a minute or two, or ten. Whatever is the case.
Today is Monday, the first day back after a very short break. I look forward to the end of these three weeks, when I can wake up on December 13 or 14 or whenever I finish this semester, and realize that I no longer have to work, for a month, at least. When I wake up and realize that there's nothing more the semester can demand of me, and that I my fate rests in the hands of hopefully competent professors.
I still have this overarching uncertainty around me that this is the semester that I finally lose it. That my GPA finally dips below that hallowed 4.0 and I realize that I am finally not as perfect as I think I am.
That fear though does not stop me now. I am driving with everything that I've got for these last three weeks to be success, and I feel like I'm almost there. That with just a little effort, I'll breakthrough the barriers that define my academic life, and the comfort of security will finally be mine.
But before then, I have so much to do, so many things that occupy my time and my life (which of course, begs the question as to why I am writing on here).
What is so ironic is that despite my grades being so strong, I am still in such a vulnerable state, that any moment's notice will lead to total and complete failure.
I think this history essay may be the one that breaks me. It's the class that allows the least leeway and I'm just not all that comfortable with the essay. I lack a lot of focus, but the good thing is that I see that and I can get that focus my hammering my thesis. I'm on track, and probably, at this stage, somewhere in the C+ to B- range. If I can spend today cleaning up my drafts (I've already downed my second draft and once I get off of this, I'm going to type up my third one, leaving three to go in two days), I should hopefully at least get into B+ to A- range. The thing is that in college, I've never gotten less than an A- for writing, at least at UCCS (I did get a B+ on a philosophy paper at Regis...boo), and I hardly expect that to change.
So why am I so panicked? I dunno. At least a week from tomorrow, I'll have a good idea of where I'm going to end up in history.
My grade whoreness is arising again, which is a good thing. I must satiate myself with lots of grades, and these last three weeks have no shortage of them. Unfortunately, I get like no new ones at all this week, so I will have to wait until next week to satiate my desire and my need.
This week, I have plans. I have created plans that are designed to carry me through these next five days:
Monday=HISTORY, HISTORY, HISTORY
Tuesday=Finishing research for my Spanish paper
Wednesday=Studying for my French final, starting my Spanish paper
Thursday=Continuing Spanish, taking French final
Friday=SPANISH SPANISH SPANISH
Saturday=Collecting TONS of Immunology research
Sunday=writing immunology paper and Spanish
Monday=EDITING SPANISH AND IMMUNOLOGY+Finishing my poster
All in all the next week freaking sucks.
My depressive self is being jammed into a corner until I can finish this semester. Come December 14, I can boo-hoo all I want to about that which sucks in my life.
Today is Monday, the first day back after a very short break. I look forward to the end of these three weeks, when I can wake up on December 13 or 14 or whenever I finish this semester, and realize that I no longer have to work, for a month, at least. When I wake up and realize that there's nothing more the semester can demand of me, and that I my fate rests in the hands of hopefully competent professors.
I still have this overarching uncertainty around me that this is the semester that I finally lose it. That my GPA finally dips below that hallowed 4.0 and I realize that I am finally not as perfect as I think I am.
That fear though does not stop me now. I am driving with everything that I've got for these last three weeks to be success, and I feel like I'm almost there. That with just a little effort, I'll breakthrough the barriers that define my academic life, and the comfort of security will finally be mine.
But before then, I have so much to do, so many things that occupy my time and my life (which of course, begs the question as to why I am writing on here).
What is so ironic is that despite my grades being so strong, I am still in such a vulnerable state, that any moment's notice will lead to total and complete failure.
I think this history essay may be the one that breaks me. It's the class that allows the least leeway and I'm just not all that comfortable with the essay. I lack a lot of focus, but the good thing is that I see that and I can get that focus my hammering my thesis. I'm on track, and probably, at this stage, somewhere in the C+ to B- range. If I can spend today cleaning up my drafts (I've already downed my second draft and once I get off of this, I'm going to type up my third one, leaving three to go in two days), I should hopefully at least get into B+ to A- range. The thing is that in college, I've never gotten less than an A- for writing, at least at UCCS (I did get a B+ on a philosophy paper at Regis...boo), and I hardly expect that to change.
So why am I so panicked? I dunno. At least a week from tomorrow, I'll have a good idea of where I'm going to end up in history.
My grade whoreness is arising again, which is a good thing. I must satiate myself with lots of grades, and these last three weeks have no shortage of them. Unfortunately, I get like no new ones at all this week, so I will have to wait until next week to satiate my desire and my need.
This week, I have plans. I have created plans that are designed to carry me through these next five days:
Monday=HISTORY, HISTORY, HISTORY
Tuesday=Finishing research for my Spanish paper
Wednesday=Studying for my French final, starting my Spanish paper
Thursday=Continuing Spanish, taking French final
Friday=SPANISH SPANISH SPANISH
Saturday=Collecting TONS of Immunology research
Sunday=writing immunology paper and Spanish
Monday=EDITING SPANISH AND IMMUNOLOGY+Finishing my poster
All in all the next week freaking sucks.
My depressive self is being jammed into a corner until I can finish this semester. Come December 14, I can boo-hoo all I want to about that which sucks in my life.
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Not helping myself out any
Today is kind of the one day that I've taken off this break. All I've done (and it's 4 PM) is almost finish my first edit of my history paper, which shockingly is not terrible. In fact, it's the best first draft that I've written this semester. However, I also got five, or six, more resources for my Colombia essay which I need to go through before Wednesday, which is when I start writing my FINAL EXAM in Spanish. Ten pages=shit on me right now.
Seriously, I jsut found like the second best version of the song Landslide on youtube from an a capella choir (first place is reserved for any version involving Stevie Nicks). People should totally listen: http://youtube.com/watch?v=92AG17emOHc
Today has not been good for additional reasons besides my inability to focus on school work.
I finally caved and went someplace I haven't been in those three years I keep repeating. Well, actually, it's more like two, because I think I went on the one year anniversary, so we'll change that number to two. Not a pleasant experience. That whole iron rod thing went out of the window, and for the first time since Feb of 2005, I actually felt like crying. I was kinda close, but I managed to contain myself long enough to re-establish control.
I also thought about the options that I have to deal with this, and I realize that I have very few. Firstly, the nubmer of people who have the kind of familiarity that I have is low. The number of people who are dealing with the same thing as me in this case is definitely one, which is just me.
I thought about getting a hold of his family again, or some of his close friends that might actually talk to me, which I think may be one, but I realized that if I do this, I'm going to do very little to help myself, and I may actually do things to conjure up unwanted feelings in other people.
So I know two things that I will do. The first thing I'm going to do, is go it alone emotionally. I'm not going to make anyone else suffer along with me, I don't flow that way.
The second thing is that his family made a foundation in his name partially for outreach and partially to make scholarships for deserving local students who advocated against drunken driving. I'm going to save up my money and give as sizeable a donation that I can give when I graduate from college a year from now. On the fourth anniversary, maybe. I'd like it to be around $1000, but with how much money I make vs. spend, I'll probably only have about $500 that I can give. I suppose every little bit helps, but, I have this overwhelming need to further make a difference and use it to at least help me cope if I cannot get over basically everything I wrote in my last post.
Back to history-onto the second draft soon!
Seriously, I jsut found like the second best version of the song Landslide on youtube from an a capella choir (first place is reserved for any version involving Stevie Nicks). People should totally listen: http://youtube.com/watch?v=92AG17emOHc
Today has not been good for additional reasons besides my inability to focus on school work.
I finally caved and went someplace I haven't been in those three years I keep repeating. Well, actually, it's more like two, because I think I went on the one year anniversary, so we'll change that number to two. Not a pleasant experience. That whole iron rod thing went out of the window, and for the first time since Feb of 2005, I actually felt like crying. I was kinda close, but I managed to contain myself long enough to re-establish control.
I also thought about the options that I have to deal with this, and I realize that I have very few. Firstly, the nubmer of people who have the kind of familiarity that I have is low. The number of people who are dealing with the same thing as me in this case is definitely one, which is just me.
I thought about getting a hold of his family again, or some of his close friends that might actually talk to me, which I think may be one, but I realized that if I do this, I'm going to do very little to help myself, and I may actually do things to conjure up unwanted feelings in other people.
So I know two things that I will do. The first thing I'm going to do, is go it alone emotionally. I'm not going to make anyone else suffer along with me, I don't flow that way.
The second thing is that his family made a foundation in his name partially for outreach and partially to make scholarships for deserving local students who advocated against drunken driving. I'm going to save up my money and give as sizeable a donation that I can give when I graduate from college a year from now. On the fourth anniversary, maybe. I'd like it to be around $1000, but with how much money I make vs. spend, I'll probably only have about $500 that I can give. I suppose every little bit helps, but, I have this overwhelming need to further make a difference and use it to at least help me cope if I cannot get over basically everything I wrote in my last post.
Back to history-onto the second draft soon!
Saturday, November 24, 2007
Undone
So, that togetherness that I had been talking about two days ago is kind of gone, for a number of reasons.
First though, I must clarify some of my vagueness of the last two weeks or so. I keep alluding to something that happened three years ago, and all of these uncharacteristically deep things. What happened is that three years ago last Monday, someone I went to school with for 5 years died in a car accident because he was drunk, at 17.
Anyone who knows me from high school, and I think most everyone who reads this blog has at least seen, knows that after he died, I decided to paint his portrait (my first one), and give it to his family. I don't remember what exactly motivated me to do it, but since I had like no experience to do portraiture, it took me about 7 weeks (I say three months, because I had to sketch the thing on a canvas, blow up the computer, and take breaks for sanity's sake. The total period is about three months) to paint it, and in the process, I was pretty heavily affected. When you look into someone's eyes for that long, for hours a day (I think I worked on it for 10 hours one day), pretty much everyday, you get this feeling that you know the person instinctively. It's impossible to describe in words, but I can tell you that I inherently know the essence of this person. What my problem is is that I have absolutely no memories of him whatsoever. Like I know nothing about him, his characteristics, how tall he was, what he liked, what he did, his personality, etc. So basically, I ahve what I call a shadow in my mind. There's this person there who I essentially know, but I know nothing about him. I think the closest thing you can come to is when you see a picture of someone, and you know who it is, but you cannot put a name to it. It's kind of close. Maybe not.
So anyways, the last two weeks have been me basically obsessing about this, because I still, after 3 years, haven't gotten over the fact that this person I know is dead, and I'll never get the chance to know anything about him. Everyone else who knew him is able to deal with it in some ways because they have memories, they can share feelings and memories, and they can at least relive his life in their minds. But for me, I have nothing, nothing that I can share, except for the fact that I have this shadow stalking me in my mind, and I cannot put a light to the shadow. It's just there. I'm trapped in a world in which no one who knew him could relate to me, and it will be like that as long as I live. I cannot move on, because I have nothing to base moving on. The only reason I have been able to live with it for the last three years is that I eventually force myself to sort of forget about him, but anytime I get a glimpse of that portrait (I took pictures of it for me to remember what I accomplished) or am reminded of the anniversary, my inability to get over his death rises again in my mind and snatches me.
So that's what I've been dealing with for the last two weeks, and that's the tragedy that I was generally referring to in my last post. That's the case where the little thing turns out to kill you. I've had friends of friends and even people my sister knew get married too young, get pregnant, etc. and it's all sort of made me see that if I'm not proactive about my life, then I'll get caught like them and end up failing in my goals. Basically, everything I've observed in THESE cases, I've internalized and made myself see that any moment of leisure can lead to my demise.
That's what I mean when I say that I must be an iron rod. I have to be impenetrable to these feelings and desires, because I am inherently weak-hearted. If I am not constantly convincing myself of potential failure, then I will let go and actually fail. I've gotten close many a time in my college career.
But right now, in this semester, there are less than three weeks left, and I'm sitting here writing at the most comfortable I have been grade-wise since I started college. This is what my CURRENT (not guaranteed) grades are:
BIOL 383: 100.5%
BIOL 391: 101.0%
FR 101: 100.67%
BIOL 409: 99.89%
BIOL 481: 97.0%
HIST 411: 98.5%
SPAN 425: 97.0%
CHEM 451: 95.65% (if I don't throw out my second-lowest score, it's 97.7% if I do)
I look at that and go, DAMN. I have three grades over 100%, and all of my grades are securely A.
But I think about these next two weeks, and how many points are out htere, waiting to be lost, and I find myself horridly terrified that this is the semester that I trip up, assume that I am too same, and then get an A- or worse.
This weekend has not been as productive as I would have liked, and I have not really watched any football, which is my normal distraction (I've maybe seen 10-15 minutes of it). In fact, I have driven all of my distractors out of my mind, and still, I find myself flailing this break, waving my hands like I'm lost.
However, I look at where I was before break, and go "DAMN, I got some work done". Before break, I had nothing done on this extra credit poster for my immunology lab, and now, it's basically done. I just have to make it look fancy, fill in a few extra notes that I've been missing, print it all out, and put it on a science poster. I had almost none of my Spanish books read for my final paper before break, and now I've gone through all the ones I have, and I found like 5 or 6 more online. I had nothing done for my history paper, and now I have a first draft done. Those three things alone are spectacular. Not to mention al lof the little dinky thinks floating out there.
Still, however, I am daunted by what lies ahead of me. I actually have to finish that poster, go through at LEAST 5 more drafts of history, and the other five Spanish sources that I have found this week alone. I also need to get all the sources I've found for my immunology HIV paper, and get ready for the French final.
That's just this week too.
Next week is far worse, as I have to write my Spanish paper, the immunology paper, then I have to do my genetics exam, and any number of other things that I have to go through next week.
I keep thinking that I have all of these possibilities for the rest of the semester, yet I cannot help but feel the impending doom of failure over my head.
And my inability to deal with Brandon right now really isn't helping.
First though, I must clarify some of my vagueness of the last two weeks or so. I keep alluding to something that happened three years ago, and all of these uncharacteristically deep things. What happened is that three years ago last Monday, someone I went to school with for 5 years died in a car accident because he was drunk, at 17.
Anyone who knows me from high school, and I think most everyone who reads this blog has at least seen, knows that after he died, I decided to paint his portrait (my first one), and give it to his family. I don't remember what exactly motivated me to do it, but since I had like no experience to do portraiture, it took me about 7 weeks (I say three months, because I had to sketch the thing on a canvas, blow up the computer, and take breaks for sanity's sake. The total period is about three months) to paint it, and in the process, I was pretty heavily affected. When you look into someone's eyes for that long, for hours a day (I think I worked on it for 10 hours one day), pretty much everyday, you get this feeling that you know the person instinctively. It's impossible to describe in words, but I can tell you that I inherently know the essence of this person. What my problem is is that I have absolutely no memories of him whatsoever. Like I know nothing about him, his characteristics, how tall he was, what he liked, what he did, his personality, etc. So basically, I ahve what I call a shadow in my mind. There's this person there who I essentially know, but I know nothing about him. I think the closest thing you can come to is when you see a picture of someone, and you know who it is, but you cannot put a name to it. It's kind of close. Maybe not.
So anyways, the last two weeks have been me basically obsessing about this, because I still, after 3 years, haven't gotten over the fact that this person I know is dead, and I'll never get the chance to know anything about him. Everyone else who knew him is able to deal with it in some ways because they have memories, they can share feelings and memories, and they can at least relive his life in their minds. But for me, I have nothing, nothing that I can share, except for the fact that I have this shadow stalking me in my mind, and I cannot put a light to the shadow. It's just there. I'm trapped in a world in which no one who knew him could relate to me, and it will be like that as long as I live. I cannot move on, because I have nothing to base moving on. The only reason I have been able to live with it for the last three years is that I eventually force myself to sort of forget about him, but anytime I get a glimpse of that portrait (I took pictures of it for me to remember what I accomplished) or am reminded of the anniversary, my inability to get over his death rises again in my mind and snatches me.
So that's what I've been dealing with for the last two weeks, and that's the tragedy that I was generally referring to in my last post. That's the case where the little thing turns out to kill you. I've had friends of friends and even people my sister knew get married too young, get pregnant, etc. and it's all sort of made me see that if I'm not proactive about my life, then I'll get caught like them and end up failing in my goals. Basically, everything I've observed in THESE cases, I've internalized and made myself see that any moment of leisure can lead to my demise.
That's what I mean when I say that I must be an iron rod. I have to be impenetrable to these feelings and desires, because I am inherently weak-hearted. If I am not constantly convincing myself of potential failure, then I will let go and actually fail. I've gotten close many a time in my college career.
But right now, in this semester, there are less than three weeks left, and I'm sitting here writing at the most comfortable I have been grade-wise since I started college. This is what my CURRENT (not guaranteed) grades are:
BIOL 383: 100.5%
BIOL 391: 101.0%
FR 101: 100.67%
BIOL 409: 99.89%
BIOL 481: 97.0%
HIST 411: 98.5%
SPAN 425: 97.0%
CHEM 451: 95.65% (if I don't throw out my second-lowest score, it's 97.7% if I do)
I look at that and go, DAMN. I have three grades over 100%, and all of my grades are securely A.
But I think about these next two weeks, and how many points are out htere, waiting to be lost, and I find myself horridly terrified that this is the semester that I trip up, assume that I am too same, and then get an A- or worse.
This weekend has not been as productive as I would have liked, and I have not really watched any football, which is my normal distraction (I've maybe seen 10-15 minutes of it). In fact, I have driven all of my distractors out of my mind, and still, I find myself flailing this break, waving my hands like I'm lost.
However, I look at where I was before break, and go "DAMN, I got some work done". Before break, I had nothing done on this extra credit poster for my immunology lab, and now, it's basically done. I just have to make it look fancy, fill in a few extra notes that I've been missing, print it all out, and put it on a science poster. I had almost none of my Spanish books read for my final paper before break, and now I've gone through all the ones I have, and I found like 5 or 6 more online. I had nothing done for my history paper, and now I have a first draft done. Those three things alone are spectacular. Not to mention al lof the little dinky thinks floating out there.
Still, however, I am daunted by what lies ahead of me. I actually have to finish that poster, go through at LEAST 5 more drafts of history, and the other five Spanish sources that I have found this week alone. I also need to get all the sources I've found for my immunology HIV paper, and get ready for the French final.
That's just this week too.
Next week is far worse, as I have to write my Spanish paper, the immunology paper, then I have to do my genetics exam, and any number of other things that I have to go through next week.
I keep thinking that I have all of these possibilities for the rest of the semester, yet I cannot help but feel the impending doom of failure over my head.
And my inability to deal with Brandon right now really isn't helping.
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Together
Togetherness is the theme of today's post. Not togetherness with other people, but togetherness in my mind and in my work, because for the next three weeks, these are the tings that are demanding my time and my life.
I think I'll talk about school first. I think I mentioned it already on here, but I got a 101% on my biochemistry test, which basically sets up my final to be a successful one, even if my grade it not that good. I can get a 71.3% on that final and still have an A in biochemistry, which is actually quite exciting.
I decided to take my French final early. My professor gave us the option of taking the chapter 4 test and the final (which is an oral) whenever we want to do so. I decided that in order to get lots of things out of my way, I had better take it this coming week, so I'll be testing my way through French 101 a week from today.
My genetics test is two weeks from today, which gives me an odd feeling of impermanence, which, at this point of the semester, I desperately need.
I finished reading Egil's Saga last night, and I have a pretty good idea of what I'm going to write for that essay.
I'm starting to get tired of writing essays, come to think of it, and I still have four more to write this semester: 2 in history, 1 in Spanish, and 1 in immunology. This weekend would be perfect if I can knock out two of the three.
Yesterday, I posted all of my remaining assignments for this semester and assigned to them their respective priorities. Finally, I think I can ganar. I can see the end coming, and if things turn out well, I can enjoy in my work.
Mentally, I am coming together too. The last several nights, I've spent looking at all of my old art books, yearbooks, anything that had anything to do with me, really, before college. I've been on this crusade, I call it, to find out everything I can from before I started college. What were my thoughts, my experiences, my anything? I only have good records that go back to my junior year in high school, and everythign after that is a mess until I started at UCCS. Then my life starts coming together.
I've been looking back on nostalgiaville ray, and I've found that it's been the serious dynamic changes that have affected me the most. Normally, when we look back, it's the little step by step things that cause change. And that certainly has been the case for me for about a year and a half, but all the while before that, it was massve changes that defined me. Moving around all the time as a young kid, having people disappear (my dad deployed during Persian Gulf, my grandma dying, moving away from all extended family [our closest extended family lives in Phoenix, and after that, swampeast Missouri] and the friends that I made in California and Arizona), and finally arriving in Colorado. So much dynamism at such a young age demands someone who is able to tolerate change. It demands maturity.
And that's why I've been so stern, serious, and essentially adult since I was about 9. But here, I have always been an outsider, and for a while, I never ever knew why. In elementary school and for the first and last years of high school, I was more or less on my own. I had a few friends here and there, but no steady rocks on whom I could depend. But now, I know that because I forced myself to grow up at such a young age, I was completely other. I was this adult in a 9 y.o. body. All that really mattered starting really at such a young age was work and success. Not friendship, not growth, not play. That paradigm has lasted. I have demanded so much from myself that any deviation from it is quinessentially anti-self.
And why did work become that thing that I obsessed over? Because it was teh only thing that made me secure. On playgrounds, in PE, in social functions, I was this island, isolated from the entire world, dependent only on myself for anything, really. Any time I tried to blend socially, it turned into this mess, one which I could never repair, really.
But in the classroom. AH. There's where Ray thrived. In there, I was the king, really. Without a doubt in elementary school, and to some extent in high school, I ruled the roost whenever we were in a class. I may not have gotten the highest grades, but I was the first authority that other students, and even frequently teachers, went to for their own academic validation. Any team academic competitions, "Ray" was the first name that anyone called.
And now, that social aspect is gone, probably because of that move from Regis to UCCS. Of course I have people that I like to do things with, and I like hte occassional social function, but now that I am here, at this place, I have emerged this creature solely obsessed with academic and eventually life success.
In the midst of all of this was still the other dynamic changes that defined me. Having such tempestous motion meant that in the midst of my instability, I somehow had to make myself stable. I have to be the iron rod, the brick wall, the impenetrable citadel. Weakness is no longer an option, for now, I am on a level playing field. The world is waiting to snatch me.
And in my nostalgia, that's what I've found is the biggest mistake of all. We're so focused on getting to ultimate goals-having a Ph.D. in immunology, becoming this amazing researcher, fluent inf 5 or 6 or 7 languages, someday winning a Nobel Prize, etc.--that we forget the everyday steps that hinge our existence. Those people that I went to school with who have failed, didn't fail because they didn't have strong enough morals, ethos, self-imae, or whatever. It's that they could not maintain them. They failed to maintain the very essence of who they were at the tiniest moment, and WHAM! Fate slammed them hard for it.
And so I must not only be and iron rod, but I must also be control. That's why I've come to see everything minor, as essential to my life. A quiz in physical chemistry is that infinitesimal moment where I can totally screw up, and see my future going up in smoke, or it can be another opportunity to reestablish myself and why I'm so invested in school.
I have to be this person, because every time I've seen someone else's failure, it's been tragic. I won't allow the word "tragedy" to follow me.
I think I'll talk about school first. I think I mentioned it already on here, but I got a 101% on my biochemistry test, which basically sets up my final to be a successful one, even if my grade it not that good. I can get a 71.3% on that final and still have an A in biochemistry, which is actually quite exciting.
I decided to take my French final early. My professor gave us the option of taking the chapter 4 test and the final (which is an oral) whenever we want to do so. I decided that in order to get lots of things out of my way, I had better take it this coming week, so I'll be testing my way through French 101 a week from today.
My genetics test is two weeks from today, which gives me an odd feeling of impermanence, which, at this point of the semester, I desperately need.
I finished reading Egil's Saga last night, and I have a pretty good idea of what I'm going to write for that essay.
I'm starting to get tired of writing essays, come to think of it, and I still have four more to write this semester: 2 in history, 1 in Spanish, and 1 in immunology. This weekend would be perfect if I can knock out two of the three.
Yesterday, I posted all of my remaining assignments for this semester and assigned to them their respective priorities. Finally, I think I can ganar. I can see the end coming, and if things turn out well, I can enjoy in my work.
Mentally, I am coming together too. The last several nights, I've spent looking at all of my old art books, yearbooks, anything that had anything to do with me, really, before college. I've been on this crusade, I call it, to find out everything I can from before I started college. What were my thoughts, my experiences, my anything? I only have good records that go back to my junior year in high school, and everythign after that is a mess until I started at UCCS. Then my life starts coming together.
I've been looking back on nostalgiaville ray, and I've found that it's been the serious dynamic changes that have affected me the most. Normally, when we look back, it's the little step by step things that cause change. And that certainly has been the case for me for about a year and a half, but all the while before that, it was massve changes that defined me. Moving around all the time as a young kid, having people disappear (my dad deployed during Persian Gulf, my grandma dying, moving away from all extended family [our closest extended family lives in Phoenix, and after that, swampeast Missouri] and the friends that I made in California and Arizona), and finally arriving in Colorado. So much dynamism at such a young age demands someone who is able to tolerate change. It demands maturity.
And that's why I've been so stern, serious, and essentially adult since I was about 9. But here, I have always been an outsider, and for a while, I never ever knew why. In elementary school and for the first and last years of high school, I was more or less on my own. I had a few friends here and there, but no steady rocks on whom I could depend. But now, I know that because I forced myself to grow up at such a young age, I was completely other. I was this adult in a 9 y.o. body. All that really mattered starting really at such a young age was work and success. Not friendship, not growth, not play. That paradigm has lasted. I have demanded so much from myself that any deviation from it is quinessentially anti-self.
And why did work become that thing that I obsessed over? Because it was teh only thing that made me secure. On playgrounds, in PE, in social functions, I was this island, isolated from the entire world, dependent only on myself for anything, really. Any time I tried to blend socially, it turned into this mess, one which I could never repair, really.
But in the classroom. AH. There's where Ray thrived. In there, I was the king, really. Without a doubt in elementary school, and to some extent in high school, I ruled the roost whenever we were in a class. I may not have gotten the highest grades, but I was the first authority that other students, and even frequently teachers, went to for their own academic validation. Any team academic competitions, "Ray" was the first name that anyone called.
And now, that social aspect is gone, probably because of that move from Regis to UCCS. Of course I have people that I like to do things with, and I like hte occassional social function, but now that I am here, at this place, I have emerged this creature solely obsessed with academic and eventually life success.
In the midst of all of this was still the other dynamic changes that defined me. Having such tempestous motion meant that in the midst of my instability, I somehow had to make myself stable. I have to be the iron rod, the brick wall, the impenetrable citadel. Weakness is no longer an option, for now, I am on a level playing field. The world is waiting to snatch me.
And in my nostalgia, that's what I've found is the biggest mistake of all. We're so focused on getting to ultimate goals-having a Ph.D. in immunology, becoming this amazing researcher, fluent inf 5 or 6 or 7 languages, someday winning a Nobel Prize, etc.--that we forget the everyday steps that hinge our existence. Those people that I went to school with who have failed, didn't fail because they didn't have strong enough morals, ethos, self-imae, or whatever. It's that they could not maintain them. They failed to maintain the very essence of who they were at the tiniest moment, and WHAM! Fate slammed them hard for it.
And so I must not only be and iron rod, but I must also be control. That's why I've come to see everything minor, as essential to my life. A quiz in physical chemistry is that infinitesimal moment where I can totally screw up, and see my future going up in smoke, or it can be another opportunity to reestablish myself and why I'm so invested in school.
I have to be this person, because every time I've seen someone else's failure, it's been tragic. I won't allow the word "tragedy" to follow me.
Monday, November 19, 2007
I'm such a grade whore
I got my fill of grades today, and unfortuantely, for the first time in more than THREE WEEKS, my string of 100+% on grades has been broken. I got a 92% on my last genetics reading, which is frankly meh. I mean, I've missed 10 points total in the class, and I have 13 points of extra credit, so meh. I still have more than 100% overall.
However, what was absolutely thrilling and exciting to no end was my BIOCHEMISTRY GRADE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm totally serious. Guess what my grade was? 101%. HOLY HELL. I got more than a 100% in biochemistry for the first time ever. Also, on the last quiz, I got the higest grade in the class, because unlike everyone else who freaking copied answers out of the back of the book, I actually answered the fucking question. Hm. Bitches then go and complain about it, but I mean, if you just copy answers, you don't deserve a 100%.
So tomorrow will be my last day of school for about a week, more or less. I have no immunology classes tomorrow, so my first class starts at 1:40, and I get done at 7:35. Not bad, for once.
Omg, I was looking at what I have left, and this semester is so close to being over. I mean, seriously. Look at how many classes I have left:
BIOL 481: 5
BIOL 383: 1
BIOL 391: 5
BIOL 409: 5
CHEM 451: 7
HIST 411: 3
SPAN 425: 5
FR 101: 5
Bejeezums.
I need to read Egil's Saga...still. Grr. Should I do that soon? I suppose I should, since I have 100+ pages to read for tomorrow that I have not started yet.
However, what was absolutely thrilling and exciting to no end was my BIOCHEMISTRY GRADE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm totally serious. Guess what my grade was? 101%. HOLY HELL. I got more than a 100% in biochemistry for the first time ever. Also, on the last quiz, I got the higest grade in the class, because unlike everyone else who freaking copied answers out of the back of the book, I actually answered the fucking question. Hm. Bitches then go and complain about it, but I mean, if you just copy answers, you don't deserve a 100%.
So tomorrow will be my last day of school for about a week, more or less. I have no immunology classes tomorrow, so my first class starts at 1:40, and I get done at 7:35. Not bad, for once.
Omg, I was looking at what I have left, and this semester is so close to being over. I mean, seriously. Look at how many classes I have left:
BIOL 481: 5
BIOL 383: 1
BIOL 391: 5
BIOL 409: 5
CHEM 451: 7
HIST 411: 3
SPAN 425: 5
FR 101: 5
Bejeezums.
I need to read Egil's Saga...still. Grr. Should I do that soon? I suppose I should, since I have 100+ pages to read for tomorrow that I have not started yet.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Oh so tired
As of now, it's three weeks until final crunch time. THREE WEEKS.
I have no idea how I'm going to do everything that I have to do in that amount of time. Here's just a sampling of what is left:
Biochemistry: Exam 3, Exam 4 (exam 3 goes tomorrow, then it's I don't care about Biochem for three weeks)
Immunology: HIV Paper, Exam 4
Methods in Immunology: PCR Lab, Extra Credit Poster, Exam 3
Early Medieval History: Egil's Saga reading, Essay 3, Essay 4
Latin American Civilization: Oral 3, Final Paper, Final Oral
French I: Exam 4, Exam 5, Daily assignments and quizzes
Physical Chemistry: Quiz 5, Quiz 6, Exam 3
Genetics: Reading 4, Discussion 10, Exam 4
All of that in three weeks. Damn. I'm like totally fucked in every imaginable way.
It makes me REALLY glad that I've built up all of these buffers in all of my classes. I can kind of slack off on some of my stuff. A 100% on my biochemistry test tomorrow (HA HA HA HA) will mean that I can get away with a 72% on the final and still hold my A steady. If I can get 100% on my last two P-Chem quizzes, then I can get an A in the class with a 44% on the final.
See how important some things are these last three weeks? I've got to stabilize these buffers that I've built up all semester long. Even in genetics, stabilizing my buffers will totally help me to get my A in that class, although it's pretty much assured in that class. Assuming that I get 100% on all of my remaining assignments, I only need to get 25 points on the final, and 50 of them come from review, so I'm basically going to nail genetics.
I should have used this weekend to get ahead in my classes,which I definitely didn't do. I finished a whole bunch of stuff for my methods class on Friday, but this weekend has been so unproductive. I mean, seriously. I've studied for biochem a little bit and I read a chapter for Spanish. That's it.
So, I am fortunate that there is no Desperate Housewives on tonight, so at 8 PM it's study mania until at least midnight. Then tomorrow morning at work, it's all study.
I'm so ready for things to get done, but I can't grasp them.
Anyways, I think part of my problem of this week has been last Monday. Since this is a public post, I don't care to discuss it a lot, but it riled all this emotional crap that I've been going through for three years, on and off, and I just cannot deal with it. It wrecked my high school year, and it wrecked my career, and basically everything. I was so set, so ready for life three years ago, and what happened then derailed me totally. I've been reading all of my old blogs, going through journals, driving down old roads, trying to figure out why this has been such a problem for me, and I'm a little bit closer, maybe because I'm wiser than I was three years ago, but still, I am exceedingly bothered.
Essentially, what bothers me is that I have nothing. The whole universe has this nostalgia about before three years ago, and I have nothing that can support me, as I consider it. I wish I had known three years ago what I would do to myself. I don't know htat I would change it, but I think it would have helped actually to be prepared. Look where it's gotten me though.
I think everyone else is going to be able to come to closure faster than I could ever hope to do so, because I lack memories. There are all these people who can talk and remember, but I have no memories. When I hear stories and remembrances, it's all new to me, and I find myself more isolated than ever.
This gives me a two-fold problem. First, I become ever more dedicated to isolating myself from the world. As if I'm saying that if I'm not supposed to have any memories, then to prevent further damage, I have to rally against the universe. Fighting alone for me, is easier than fighting with someone by my side. This dedication to isolation arises in that I must isolated myself by succession. If I continually succeed, then I can remain other from these people who can afford talking. They have the free time, and if I crush the time, I crush the pain.
Secondly, I do everything I can to chop apart any relationships that are left. Almost all of my relationships now are strictly professional. I share nothing about myself, such that, no one in the world outside my immediate family, has no idea who I am.
It's positive feedback, over and over and over again.
And it sucks.
I have no idea how I'm going to do everything that I have to do in that amount of time. Here's just a sampling of what is left:
Biochemistry: Exam 3, Exam 4 (exam 3 goes tomorrow, then it's I don't care about Biochem for three weeks)
Immunology: HIV Paper, Exam 4
Methods in Immunology: PCR Lab, Extra Credit Poster, Exam 3
Early Medieval History: Egil's Saga reading, Essay 3, Essay 4
Latin American Civilization: Oral 3, Final Paper, Final Oral
French I: Exam 4, Exam 5, Daily assignments and quizzes
Physical Chemistry: Quiz 5, Quiz 6, Exam 3
Genetics: Reading 4, Discussion 10, Exam 4
All of that in three weeks. Damn. I'm like totally fucked in every imaginable way.
It makes me REALLY glad that I've built up all of these buffers in all of my classes. I can kind of slack off on some of my stuff. A 100% on my biochemistry test tomorrow (HA HA HA HA) will mean that I can get away with a 72% on the final and still hold my A steady. If I can get 100% on my last two P-Chem quizzes, then I can get an A in the class with a 44% on the final.
See how important some things are these last three weeks? I've got to stabilize these buffers that I've built up all semester long. Even in genetics, stabilizing my buffers will totally help me to get my A in that class, although it's pretty much assured in that class. Assuming that I get 100% on all of my remaining assignments, I only need to get 25 points on the final, and 50 of them come from review, so I'm basically going to nail genetics.
I should have used this weekend to get ahead in my classes,which I definitely didn't do. I finished a whole bunch of stuff for my methods class on Friday, but this weekend has been so unproductive. I mean, seriously. I've studied for biochem a little bit and I read a chapter for Spanish. That's it.
So, I am fortunate that there is no Desperate Housewives on tonight, so at 8 PM it's study mania until at least midnight. Then tomorrow morning at work, it's all study.
I'm so ready for things to get done, but I can't grasp them.
Anyways, I think part of my problem of this week has been last Monday. Since this is a public post, I don't care to discuss it a lot, but it riled all this emotional crap that I've been going through for three years, on and off, and I just cannot deal with it. It wrecked my high school year, and it wrecked my career, and basically everything. I was so set, so ready for life three years ago, and what happened then derailed me totally. I've been reading all of my old blogs, going through journals, driving down old roads, trying to figure out why this has been such a problem for me, and I'm a little bit closer, maybe because I'm wiser than I was three years ago, but still, I am exceedingly bothered.
Essentially, what bothers me is that I have nothing. The whole universe has this nostalgia about before three years ago, and I have nothing that can support me, as I consider it. I wish I had known three years ago what I would do to myself. I don't know htat I would change it, but I think it would have helped actually to be prepared. Look where it's gotten me though.
I think everyone else is going to be able to come to closure faster than I could ever hope to do so, because I lack memories. There are all these people who can talk and remember, but I have no memories. When I hear stories and remembrances, it's all new to me, and I find myself more isolated than ever.
This gives me a two-fold problem. First, I become ever more dedicated to isolating myself from the world. As if I'm saying that if I'm not supposed to have any memories, then to prevent further damage, I have to rally against the universe. Fighting alone for me, is easier than fighting with someone by my side. This dedication to isolation arises in that I must isolated myself by succession. If I continually succeed, then I can remain other from these people who can afford talking. They have the free time, and if I crush the time, I crush the pain.
Secondly, I do everything I can to chop apart any relationships that are left. Almost all of my relationships now are strictly professional. I share nothing about myself, such that, no one in the world outside my immediate family, has no idea who I am.
It's positive feedback, over and over and over again.
And it sucks.
Friday, November 16, 2007
At work and totally bored
1. When was the last time you saw your best friend?
I actually don't have one, which makes me sound really sad now, but it's true.
2. What were you doing this morning at 8am?
Opening the LTC for today
3. What were you doing 15 minutes ago?
Finishing up my PCR worksheet for methods
4. Are you any good at math?
I make so many stupid mistakes with math that I need to avoid it at all costs
6. Do you have any famous ancestors?
My great-great grandmother made I-55 in Missouri snake around for like a mile because she refused to let the government take her house, and my French-Canadian ancestors were among the first French immigrants into the US.
7. Are you mad at anyone right now?
More like disappointed
8. Do you know the words to the song on your MySpace profile?
I have no myspace profile
9. Last thing received in the mail?
My credit card bill---ugh.
10. How many different drinks have you had today?
Three cups of coffee
12. Do you ever leave messages on people's answering machine?
I never call anyone, so I have no need of an answering machine on which I can leave a message
13. Any plans for tonight?
I probably won't get off of work until after 10 PM, so no, not really.
14. Do you draw your name in the sand when you go to the beach?
I haven't been to a beach in almost 15 years. (DAMN. That makes me sound really old)
15. What's the most painful dental procedure you've had?
Which one wasn't painful? I've had 11 teeth pulled. Pick one.
16. What's outside your front door?
A step to go outside
17. Do you have plans for Saturday night?
Finishing my methods stuff for the rest of the semester and maybe reading my Spanish, plus there's always Oklahoma vs. Texas Tech on ABC.
18. Do you like the ocean?
Yes and No. That makes sense.
19. Have you ever received one of those big tins of 3 different kinds of popcorn for Christmas?
No.
20. Have you ever been to a planetarium?
Yeah, but this was back when I lived in Tucson.
22. Something you are excited about?
I'm not really excited this week about anything.
23. Are you happy with life right now?
Not really.
26. Where do you keep your change?
I have this jar thing.
27. When was the last time you spoke in front of a large group of people?
Graduation in 2005.
28. Do you like anyone right now?
Honestly, no. I just really want people to leave me the hell alone.
29. What was the weather like on your birthday?
That was like...4 months ago. I don't remember. Probably hot. It's that way in August.
30. Do you sleep with the door to your room open or closed?
CLOSED.
So last night was pretty depressing
I'm somewhat back to my normal self this morning. I think I was just so tired that I had very little that I could have said or done that was not this dark black abyss.
Right now, I am REALLY hating school computers because they are just so SLOW.
My immunology and French exams yesterday were ok, nothing special. Probably in the mid 90's for both tests because I just did not study as much as I would have liked to.
This weekend is going to be epic, with my methods in immunology class getting wiped out between now and finals. EPIC.
In addition to that, I have to read Egil's Saga for history class, and work on some more Spanish.
I should reiterate how few days are left in the semester. I have less than four weeks between now and el fin del semestre, and so many points left to worry about.
I thought that I ought to give a guaranteed grade update and a classes remaining update:
BIOL 383: 80.71% (B) One class remaining
CHEM 451: 70.16% (B-) Eight classes remaining
SPAN 425: 68.65% (D) Five classes remaining
HIST 411: 48.25% (F) Three classes remaining
BIOL 409: 65.71% (D) Four classes remaining
BIOL 391: 53.40% (F) Four classes remaining
FR 101: 73.25% (C) Five classes remaining
BIOL 481: 52.18% (F) Five classes remaining
This coming week, one of those F's will go away (biochemistry), and that's the only change that I'm going to have, unfortunately.
I have to conjure up all of my reserves to make it through the next 4 weeks. Every spare piece of energy I can image has to be pooled into the final drive towards finishing this thing called Fall 2007. Every spare piece of time has to be focused on finishing this semester in style. I know that I can get straight A's, but I just need to get my enfoque back so that I can wake up on December 14 and know that I kicked ass.
Right now, I am REALLY hating school computers because they are just so SLOW.
My immunology and French exams yesterday were ok, nothing special. Probably in the mid 90's for both tests because I just did not study as much as I would have liked to.
This weekend is going to be epic, with my methods in immunology class getting wiped out between now and finals. EPIC.
In addition to that, I have to read Egil's Saga for history class, and work on some more Spanish.
I should reiterate how few days are left in the semester. I have less than four weeks between now and el fin del semestre, and so many points left to worry about.
I thought that I ought to give a guaranteed grade update and a classes remaining update:
BIOL 383: 80.71% (B) One class remaining
CHEM 451: 70.16% (B-) Eight classes remaining
SPAN 425: 68.65% (D) Five classes remaining
HIST 411: 48.25% (F) Three classes remaining
BIOL 409: 65.71% (D) Four classes remaining
BIOL 391: 53.40% (F) Four classes remaining
FR 101: 73.25% (C) Five classes remaining
BIOL 481: 52.18% (F) Five classes remaining
This coming week, one of those F's will go away (biochemistry), and that's the only change that I'm going to have, unfortunately.
I have to conjure up all of my reserves to make it through the next 4 weeks. Every spare piece of energy I can image has to be pooled into the final drive towards finishing this thing called Fall 2007. Every spare piece of time has to be focused on finishing this semester in style. I know that I can get straight A's, but I just need to get my enfoque back so that I can wake up on December 14 and know that I kicked ass.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
The More I Live It, the More I Realize that Life is Worthless
Unfortunately, I seem to have burnt myself out by my hyperactivity this week towards school, because whenever I do that, I tend to wipe myself out.
I'm coming to the grim determination that even when I get my 4 majors and my minor (s?) that I'm still worthless.
In seven years, I'll have, at minimum, a master's and a doctorate.
Still worthless.
In the end, if niology has taught me anything, it's that we don't mean jack.
Life is this thing. It's not some mystical gift. It's an accident. Not saying good or bad, but it's an accident nonetheless.
I've been considering the whole cosmic thing, how we evolved from some amino acids in goo, and sometimes I think how amazing it is that humanity came from primordial goo. I look at pictures of the ape like things we came from, and think about what their puny brains might have imagined. They say the Neaderthals had language, but if they looked at where we are today, they would be speechless.
I would say without doubt that we're on the edge of some Renaissance.
But I cannot escape the fact that biology too is cruel. That despite everything I'm working for, I'm going to end up just as dead as Joe Shmoe who did nothing. There is no difference in fate.
Chemistry and physics in reality just are. But biology, I think, has personality. And humanity, humanity she hates.
Allow the evolution of humanity only to quash it.
Is is better to never be born or to be born and to be meaningless?
In the end, it's all the same. It would have been better not to be a waste of resources, yet ici je suis.
Ok, I'm horridly depressed and need to go to bed in order to avoid slipping into some kind of deep dark place.
I'm coming to the grim determination that even when I get my 4 majors and my minor (s?) that I'm still worthless.
In seven years, I'll have, at minimum, a master's and a doctorate.
Still worthless.
In the end, if niology has taught me anything, it's that we don't mean jack.
Life is this thing. It's not some mystical gift. It's an accident. Not saying good or bad, but it's an accident nonetheless.
I've been considering the whole cosmic thing, how we evolved from some amino acids in goo, and sometimes I think how amazing it is that humanity came from primordial goo. I look at pictures of the ape like things we came from, and think about what their puny brains might have imagined. They say the Neaderthals had language, but if they looked at where we are today, they would be speechless.
I would say without doubt that we're on the edge of some Renaissance.
But I cannot escape the fact that biology too is cruel. That despite everything I'm working for, I'm going to end up just as dead as Joe Shmoe who did nothing. There is no difference in fate.
Chemistry and physics in reality just are. But biology, I think, has personality. And humanity, humanity she hates.
Allow the evolution of humanity only to quash it.
Is is better to never be born or to be born and to be meaningless?
In the end, it's all the same. It would have been better not to be a waste of resources, yet ici je suis.
Ok, I'm horridly depressed and need to go to bed in order to avoid slipping into some kind of deep dark place.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
So, Ray just got his genetics test from last week back. Guess what he got????
A 105.
Hell yeah.
I am so freaking excited right now. You have no idea. Because in genetics, I have very little that I have to do for the rest of the semester. I'll probably get at least a 20 on my last reading (out of 25) and 20 more discussion points getting my total points right now to 570. Which, is a guaranteed B, by the way, my first for this semester.
Anyways, I only need to get 60 more points, out of 125, to get an A. That's freaking less than 50%, doods. Seriously.
I finished the rest of the genetics book last night too. Hotness.
Tomorrow=Spanish quiz (MUST STUDY!), and studying for French and Immunology exams.
Thursday=taking said exams
Friday=Work+P-Chem
This weekend, I must reiterate= THE END OF METHODS WORK FOR THE REST OF THE SEMESTER!!! WOOT!
That basically drops my "left to do" pile to 19 hours. HOT NESS.
This is without a doubt, my most successful semester in college, ever.
A 105.
Hell yeah.
I am so freaking excited right now. You have no idea. Because in genetics, I have very little that I have to do for the rest of the semester. I'll probably get at least a 20 on my last reading (out of 25) and 20 more discussion points getting my total points right now to 570. Which, is a guaranteed B, by the way, my first for this semester.
Anyways, I only need to get 60 more points, out of 125, to get an A. That's freaking less than 50%, doods. Seriously.
I finished the rest of the genetics book last night too. Hotness.
Tomorrow=Spanish quiz (MUST STUDY!), and studying for French and Immunology exams.
Thursday=taking said exams
Friday=Work+P-Chem
This weekend, I must reiterate= THE END OF METHODS WORK FOR THE REST OF THE SEMESTER!!! WOOT!
That basically drops my "left to do" pile to 19 hours. HOT NESS.
This is without a doubt, my most successful semester in college, ever.
Monday, November 12, 2007
Brevity
I mustn't write for long on here, because my life is busy and complicated and far too too messy to discuss in a short amount of time.
Actually, it's not. It's the same as always, school school school school.
But then again, today is not the same. I find myself as a brick wall today, unpenetrated by change or struggle. There is nothing that right now phases me, yet at the same time, I find myself incredibly pensive. Rare, in such times. Normally, I put off any thoughts that are not school related or football related until breaks, but today is different. The air is different. The very sentiment of the day is different. Like something's is here that is not supposed to be here.
For a very physical minded being, I'm being very metaphysical today. I hate being metaphysical because all it does is cause distraction.
Part of me is urging myself to escape from school for a while and to go find commonality. I know I'm being very vague and nondescript, but I hate being too detail oriented in such a public realm.
If we dial the clock back three years, I'm on the edge of impending and monumental change, and I don't know it. I suppose that I get sentimental about these things generally. Three years ago began these rapid, fluctuating, and dynamic cycles in my life, cycles that drove me into my state of balance that I had always longed for. My world three years ago was chaos and now it is control. Every fiber of who I am is controlled, even that within me which is spontaneous, is controlled. Part of me is excited and part depressed.
I look back on the past and wonder where I have been and where I am going now. THe future is somewhat dark, but it at least is stable. My experiences have given me the kind of potential I have always longed for, and now, it is only up to me to grasp my potential.
I came to terms on Friday with these last three years. A synthesis of reason and emotive impulse came to fruition.
Two months ago, more or less, I felt a change on the horizons, and I thought that it had gone away, but in fact, it has not. The sense of deep personal change has in fact already come to fruition, I just needed to see it, and now I have.
With this energy, I must turn it into productivity for now. I must look towards opportunity and personal advantage and not forget about my potential. When this semester is over, I can be more introspective.
Actually, it's not. It's the same as always, school school school school.
But then again, today is not the same. I find myself as a brick wall today, unpenetrated by change or struggle. There is nothing that right now phases me, yet at the same time, I find myself incredibly pensive. Rare, in such times. Normally, I put off any thoughts that are not school related or football related until breaks, but today is different. The air is different. The very sentiment of the day is different. Like something's is here that is not supposed to be here.
For a very physical minded being, I'm being very metaphysical today. I hate being metaphysical because all it does is cause distraction.
Part of me is urging myself to escape from school for a while and to go find commonality. I know I'm being very vague and nondescript, but I hate being too detail oriented in such a public realm.
If we dial the clock back three years, I'm on the edge of impending and monumental change, and I don't know it. I suppose that I get sentimental about these things generally. Three years ago began these rapid, fluctuating, and dynamic cycles in my life, cycles that drove me into my state of balance that I had always longed for. My world three years ago was chaos and now it is control. Every fiber of who I am is controlled, even that within me which is spontaneous, is controlled. Part of me is excited and part depressed.
I look back on the past and wonder where I have been and where I am going now. THe future is somewhat dark, but it at least is stable. My experiences have given me the kind of potential I have always longed for, and now, it is only up to me to grasp my potential.
I came to terms on Friday with these last three years. A synthesis of reason and emotive impulse came to fruition.
Two months ago, more or less, I felt a change on the horizons, and I thought that it had gone away, but in fact, it has not. The sense of deep personal change has in fact already come to fruition, I just needed to see it, and now I have.
With this energy, I must turn it into productivity for now. I must look towards opportunity and personal advantage and not forget about my potential. When this semester is over, I can be more introspective.
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Like every weekend so far this semester, I have spent pretty much all of it watching football and doing lots of homework. I fortunately have almost all of my homework done for this weekend, with only the rest of my immunology lab to go. I night try to squeeze soem extra getting ahead juice in this weekend, if possible. I'm not sure that it is though. The only thing I can do is start goign through my sources for Spanish final paper. Everything that is post-Thanksgiving is basically on the back burner.
Actually, I have almost nothing left, come to think of it.
I got another cross stitch today. It has pretty dolphins on it. It's hot.
So, I have a few football thoughts from this weekend:
#1 The ideal BCS championship game in my opinion is Oregon vs. whoever wins out in the Big XII (Kansas, Missouri, or Oklahoma). I frankly can't stand the SEC teams and their arrogance. Hint: arrogant teams piss Ray off.
#2 Speaking of which, Notre Dame really is bad. I thought it might have been their schedule in a time of transition, but looking at the Navy and Air Force games, it has dawned on me that they actually suck this year. REALLY BADLY. Like, as bad as Minnesota. Hint to NFL: if you want Miami to get a win this year, have them play Notre Dame. If I was a student there, I would start demanding Weis's head. To have such recruiting and such a bad team, that demonstrates a real lack of coaching. To have finally figured out who your quarterback is going to be, 10 weeks into the season is equally as apalling.
#3. Kansas is legit people. Remember how last week Oklahoma State took it to Texas hard and fast early in the game? Not the case with Kansas, which was aggressive and defensive throughout most of the game. Except for that period with the two OSU touchdowns in a row, Kansas looked hot. I think the Border Wars game may bust apart viewing.
#4. Ohio State was overrated, as I thought. Keep in mind that they lost to the same Illinois team that Missouri basically dismantled. I don't know if they'll win against Michigan next week or not. If Henne and Hart cannot get healthy, then they can win.
#5. Speaking of which. What if Michigan wins next week? At best they will be ranked #16 in the BCS, as winner of the Big Ten. This opens the door VERY nicely for Hawaii or Boise State, whoever wins between the two. Whoever wins there will certainly be above 16th place in the polls and be guaranteed a BCS berth, because they finished higher than Michigan. One of these two, unless Hawaii wins against Boise and loses to Washington, will be in the BCS.
#6. Profootball this weekend is kinda lame. No really good games, that I got to see anyways. Who would want to see lame NFC West teams slug it out when Pittsburg and Cleveland played tooth and nail today?
#7. I don't think the Patriots will go undefeated this year, because it doesn't help them to get all of their good players injured trying to rack up wins. I don't think they'll play very hard against Pittsburg because they'll probably end up playing them in the playoffs, and it would be better for New England to save their big stuff for then, rather than allowing Pittsburg to develop a good, strong defense and offense. If they beat Pitt, they still have to face a New York Giants team that will probably be playing for its playoff life in week 17. Not worth it to go undefeated these days, I think. Not with all the playoff advantaged wrapped up.
#8. The college polls? Totally biased. LSU is number one how? Kansas, Oregon, Oklahoma, and Missouri have not had to play so closely as LSU. They really should be like 6-6 right now.
#9. Colorado will not get a bowl invitation. Losing to Iowa State kinda loses your credibility, especially when ahead by 21-0.
#10. Current BCS predictions:
Championship: Oregon vs. Oklahoma
Sugar Bowl: LSU vs. West Virginia
Fiesta Bowl: Kansas vs. Hawaii
Orange Bowl: Virginia Tech vs. Georgia
Rose Bowl: Ohio State vs. Arizona State
Actually, I have almost nothing left, come to think of it.
I got another cross stitch today. It has pretty dolphins on it. It's hot.
So, I have a few football thoughts from this weekend:
#1 The ideal BCS championship game in my opinion is Oregon vs. whoever wins out in the Big XII (Kansas, Missouri, or Oklahoma). I frankly can't stand the SEC teams and their arrogance. Hint: arrogant teams piss Ray off.
#2 Speaking of which, Notre Dame really is bad. I thought it might have been their schedule in a time of transition, but looking at the Navy and Air Force games, it has dawned on me that they actually suck this year. REALLY BADLY. Like, as bad as Minnesota. Hint to NFL: if you want Miami to get a win this year, have them play Notre Dame. If I was a student there, I would start demanding Weis's head. To have such recruiting and such a bad team, that demonstrates a real lack of coaching. To have finally figured out who your quarterback is going to be, 10 weeks into the season is equally as apalling.
#3. Kansas is legit people. Remember how last week Oklahoma State took it to Texas hard and fast early in the game? Not the case with Kansas, which was aggressive and defensive throughout most of the game. Except for that period with the two OSU touchdowns in a row, Kansas looked hot. I think the Border Wars game may bust apart viewing.
#4. Ohio State was overrated, as I thought. Keep in mind that they lost to the same Illinois team that Missouri basically dismantled. I don't know if they'll win against Michigan next week or not. If Henne and Hart cannot get healthy, then they can win.
#5. Speaking of which. What if Michigan wins next week? At best they will be ranked #16 in the BCS, as winner of the Big Ten. This opens the door VERY nicely for Hawaii or Boise State, whoever wins between the two. Whoever wins there will certainly be above 16th place in the polls and be guaranteed a BCS berth, because they finished higher than Michigan. One of these two, unless Hawaii wins against Boise and loses to Washington, will be in the BCS.
#6. Profootball this weekend is kinda lame. No really good games, that I got to see anyways. Who would want to see lame NFC West teams slug it out when Pittsburg and Cleveland played tooth and nail today?
#7. I don't think the Patriots will go undefeated this year, because it doesn't help them to get all of their good players injured trying to rack up wins. I don't think they'll play very hard against Pittsburg because they'll probably end up playing them in the playoffs, and it would be better for New England to save their big stuff for then, rather than allowing Pittsburg to develop a good, strong defense and offense. If they beat Pitt, they still have to face a New York Giants team that will probably be playing for its playoff life in week 17. Not worth it to go undefeated these days, I think. Not with all the playoff advantaged wrapped up.
#8. The college polls? Totally biased. LSU is number one how? Kansas, Oregon, Oklahoma, and Missouri have not had to play so closely as LSU. They really should be like 6-6 right now.
#9. Colorado will not get a bowl invitation. Losing to Iowa State kinda loses your credibility, especially when ahead by 21-0.
#10. Current BCS predictions:
Championship: Oregon vs. Oklahoma
Sugar Bowl: LSU vs. West Virginia
Fiesta Bowl: Kansas vs. Hawaii
Orange Bowl: Virginia Tech vs. Georgia
Rose Bowl: Ohio State vs. Arizona State
Saturday, November 10, 2007
Remember that P-Chem test yesterday that was supposed to determine the rest of my semester? I'm pretty sure I beat the &^%# out of it. As in like, potentially a 100%. DAMN. My studying really paid off this time, and I checked my work time and time again to ensure that I made no stupid mistakes.
That's very comforting. Now it's time to face the rest of the semester.
That's what's so disappointing about how this semester has been for me. Sure, I've actually pretty easily gotten A's. Assuming that I got at least a 100% (we had extra credit on the test), it is indeed possible that I will have all of my classes with at least a 95%. ALL OF THEM. All 25 hours, all with at least 95 percents in them at this point of the semester, with only five weeks left. It's actually less than 5 weeks. More like 33 days.
Time to do some homework and watch some futbol americano.
That's very comforting. Now it's time to face the rest of the semester.
That's what's so disappointing about how this semester has been for me. Sure, I've actually pretty easily gotten A's. Assuming that I got at least a 100% (we had extra credit on the test), it is indeed possible that I will have all of my classes with at least a 95%. ALL OF THEM. All 25 hours, all with at least 95 percents in them at this point of the semester, with only five weeks left. It's actually less than 5 weeks. More like 33 days.
Time to do some homework and watch some futbol americano.
Friday, November 9, 2007
Escape
I'm using my blog as a form of escapism from my life, aka, physical chemistry. I've studied like three times through all of my notes this morning, and I'm taking a quick break right now before I start up again.
I'm slowly building up anxiety. Going from confidence to anxiety in less than two weeks is not a good thing. I totally don't need it right now.
The only place I can truly be confident is actually genetics. I'm starting to poke through the whole genetics barrier to an A. After last night's test, I can get no lower than about a 75% in the class. Assuming that I did well on the test (95%), that jumps to a 76%, and by next Saturday it will be a 79.8%, which is basically a B.
That's freaking hot. To be in the early part of November, and basically be at a B.
If only all of my other classes were that way.
This is what I have left to do the rest of this semester:
BIOL 481: Quiz 4, Exam 3, Exam 4
BIOL 391: Exam 3 Exam 4, Extra Credit, Paper
BIOL 383: Exam 4, Discussion 9, Discussion 10, Homework 10, Reading 4
BIOL 409: Exam 3, Worksheet 10, Lab Attendance 9/10, Lab Notebook 8/9/10, Poster Assignment
CHEM 451: Quiz 5, Quiz 6, Exam 3
HIST 411: Essay 3, Essay 4
FR 101: Exam 3, Exam 4, Exam 5, Daily Homework, Daily Quizzes
SPAN 425: Final Paper, Final Presentation, 2 Quizzes, and one more composition
This weekend, plans are to start knocking out resources in Spanish for my final paper, at least 4. My quiz 4 in biochem is a take-home, so I'll start on that this weekend. Obviously, genetics homework will be gone. I'll write up my percoll lab for methods, and all the other Spanish homework I have to do this weekend.
Maybe I'll start reviewing immunology too.
Seriously, I need to get an A on this p-chem test today. If not, I can kiss 4.0 goodbye.
I'm slowly building up anxiety. Going from confidence to anxiety in less than two weeks is not a good thing. I totally don't need it right now.
The only place I can truly be confident is actually genetics. I'm starting to poke through the whole genetics barrier to an A. After last night's test, I can get no lower than about a 75% in the class. Assuming that I did well on the test (95%), that jumps to a 76%, and by next Saturday it will be a 79.8%, which is basically a B.
That's freaking hot. To be in the early part of November, and basically be at a B.
If only all of my other classes were that way.
This is what I have left to do the rest of this semester:
BIOL 481: Quiz 4, Exam 3, Exam 4
BIOL 391: Exam 3 Exam 4, Extra Credit, Paper
BIOL 383: Exam 4, Discussion 9, Discussion 10, Homework 10, Reading 4
BIOL 409: Exam 3, Worksheet 10, Lab Attendance 9/10, Lab Notebook 8/9/10, Poster Assignment
CHEM 451: Quiz 5, Quiz 6, Exam 3
HIST 411: Essay 3, Essay 4
FR 101: Exam 3, Exam 4, Exam 5, Daily Homework, Daily Quizzes
SPAN 425: Final Paper, Final Presentation, 2 Quizzes, and one more composition
This weekend, plans are to start knocking out resources in Spanish for my final paper, at least 4. My quiz 4 in biochem is a take-home, so I'll start on that this weekend. Obviously, genetics homework will be gone. I'll write up my percoll lab for methods, and all the other Spanish homework I have to do this weekend.
Maybe I'll start reviewing immunology too.
Seriously, I need to get an A on this p-chem test today. If not, I can kiss 4.0 goodbye.
Thursday, November 8, 2007
So genetics is out of the way. Done finis. My life is that much better, knowing that the class is coming to an end. Four weeks from today, genetics is TOTALLY OVER. I'm going to try and take my French final the week before finals too, maybe that Tuesday. Just to get these things out of the way.
Tomorrow is the P-Chem test of all P-Chem tests between now and December 10.
I kind of feel ready for it, but I'm not totally sure. I'll tell you all tomorrow.
It's hard to believe that there are only five weeks left in the semester. DAMN. I have so much to do in five weeks, it's not even funny. I need like six or seven days off just to get to a manageable semester level.
I'm really hoping next semester is going to be easier on me. I somehow doubt it.
I'm not thinking much about anything that comes after Thanksgiving right now. This is what I have to do in the next two weeks:
BIOL 391: Test 3
BIOL 409: Worksheet 10, Labs 9 and 10
BIOL 383: Post my 3rd reading tomorrow morning, Discussions 9 and 10, Homework 10
BIOL 481: Quiz 4 and Exam 3
CHEM 451: Exam 2
FR 101: Exam 3
SPAN 425: Composition 3, Quiz
HIST 411: Read Egil's Saga.
What comes after Thanksgiving is a veritable nightmare.
Time to study P-Chem before I totally zonk out.
Tomorrow is the P-Chem test of all P-Chem tests between now and December 10.
I kind of feel ready for it, but I'm not totally sure. I'll tell you all tomorrow.
It's hard to believe that there are only five weeks left in the semester. DAMN. I have so much to do in five weeks, it's not even funny. I need like six or seven days off just to get to a manageable semester level.
I'm really hoping next semester is going to be easier on me. I somehow doubt it.
I'm not thinking much about anything that comes after Thanksgiving right now. This is what I have to do in the next two weeks:
BIOL 391: Test 3
BIOL 409: Worksheet 10, Labs 9 and 10
BIOL 383: Post my 3rd reading tomorrow morning, Discussions 9 and 10, Homework 10
BIOL 481: Quiz 4 and Exam 3
CHEM 451: Exam 2
FR 101: Exam 3
SPAN 425: Composition 3, Quiz
HIST 411: Read Egil's Saga.
What comes after Thanksgiving is a veritable nightmare.
Time to study P-Chem before I totally zonk out.
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
I'm feeling a little bit of confidence coming over me right now, mainly because of great grade feedback. I got a 103 on my last methods exam, pushing me into guaranteed D range, making it where I have now 3 guaranteed D's, in genetics, French, and methods.
I also SOMEHOW got a 100% on my last biochem quiz, and I know I got one of the questions totally and completely wrong, so we must have had a curve.
Being a senior has amazing benefits, including that sense of superiority that one earns.
There are only 37 days left in this semester, and I am gaining the slow but certain feeling that I will get all A's this semester. The only quesiton mark right now is P-chem, but tonight has helped me grow in confidence in that class, as I have studied for two of the chapters that are going to be on the test. After Friday, I don't have to care about this class until after Thanksgiving.
I realized I'm seriously going to be thankful for the break. I totally need it.
I also SOMEHOW got a 100% on my last biochem quiz, and I know I got one of the questions totally and completely wrong, so we must have had a curve.
Being a senior has amazing benefits, including that sense of superiority that one earns.
There are only 37 days left in this semester, and I am gaining the slow but certain feeling that I will get all A's this semester. The only quesiton mark right now is P-chem, but tonight has helped me grow in confidence in that class, as I have studied for two of the chapters that are going to be on the test. After Friday, I don't have to care about this class until after Thanksgiving.
I realized I'm seriously going to be thankful for the break. I totally need it.
Sunday, November 4, 2007
Test time
Well this week, I have three tests. Like major, grade affecting tests that I NEED to do well on to have any hope for the rest of this semester to be successful.
Monday is Biochemistry quiz 3. I know a quiz doesn't sound like a lot, but in this class I have not built much of a buffer in case my final or another quiz/test sucks monkey balls. I need to use this quiz to do that.
Thursday is genetics and this is a serious opportunity test. I can nail this class down for pretty much the rest of the semester if I can do well on this Thursday test. If I were to get a 100+ on this test, I would only need to get a 55% on the final, and that can drop to a 30% with the final reading for that class. Hot damn.
Friday is the hinge on which the rest of the semester hangs. I know I've said that like three times, but this time I think is particularly true. I'm hanging onto a 90.5% in P-chem, and anything less than an 89% drops me into A- territory. I NEED an A on this test. AN A. I'm talking like at least a 95%.
Damn. It's 5:30 and it's freaking dark. I can't see what I'm typing.
Productivity awaits.
Monday is Biochemistry quiz 3. I know a quiz doesn't sound like a lot, but in this class I have not built much of a buffer in case my final or another quiz/test sucks monkey balls. I need to use this quiz to do that.
Thursday is genetics and this is a serious opportunity test. I can nail this class down for pretty much the rest of the semester if I can do well on this Thursday test. If I were to get a 100+ on this test, I would only need to get a 55% on the final, and that can drop to a 30% with the final reading for that class. Hot damn.
Friday is the hinge on which the rest of the semester hangs. I know I've said that like three times, but this time I think is particularly true. I'm hanging onto a 90.5% in P-chem, and anything less than an 89% drops me into A- territory. I NEED an A on this test. AN A. I'm talking like at least a 95%.
Damn. It's 5:30 and it's freaking dark. I can't see what I'm typing.
Productivity awaits.
Saturday, November 3, 2007
Do we seriously need more of this?
Maybe it's because I live in the middle of Colorado Springs, aka, Jesusville USA. I mean, we're the center of 1.5 million Christian organizations, mostly evangelical protestant, but enough mormon, catholic, episcopalian, etc. to irritate you. We have like 8 Christian stations on the radio now. (88.1, 88.3, 90.5, 90.9, 100.7, 102.7, and then the 95.1 and 96.9 country (which=Christian) radio stations). Compare that to two classic rock ones (98.1 and 103.9), 4 modernish music ones (92.9, 98.9, 99.9, 106.3), 2 news ones (91.5, 105.5), one hip hop one (96.1), and two classical ones (88.7 and 94.7). Seriously. That's what we've got here.
So I go online and I find this now: http://www.cnn.com/2007/LIVING/wayoflife/11/02/g-d.tube.ap/index.html
Does this country seriously need more fundamentalists working to basically destroy its essence?Between them and the wacko-liberals, USA is toast, folks. Toast. Time to pack bags and hop back to some place where that whole separation of church and state thing exists.
So I go online and I find this now: http://www.cnn.com/2007/LIVING/wayoflife/11/02/g-d.tube.ap/index.html
Does this country seriously need more fundamentalists working to basically destroy its essence?Between them and the wacko-liberals, USA is toast, folks. Toast. Time to pack bags and hop back to some place where that whole separation of church and state thing exists.
Life's little quandaries
Well the GRE raped me. It bent me over stuck itself into my rectum and went like mad.
I've barely managed to eke out any additional homework tonight. I'm definitely going to read the remaining 40 pages or so I have for history this week and I'll try to start on my proteomics worksheet for my methods class.
In the desperate attempt to dissuade myself from self loathing, I must turn my attention to football, and I have like 10 observations I think I should make.
#1. If Kansas runs the table, it deserves a spot in the national championship. Now that ASU has lost, I don't have to consider them, but looking at Kansas' manhandling of Nebraska, I have to conclude that right now, it's one of the top 2 teams in the country. USC only beat NU like 44-21. Kansas? 76-39. And two of those Nebraska touchdowns were pity ones that Kansas allowed. Hot damn, folks. KU's got something hot. If KU runs the table, they'll have beaten good Big XII teams, like Oklahoma State, Colorado, Kansas State (ok, they're not so good), and great ones like Missouri and almost definitely Oklahoma. Ohio State and Boston College have no claims of playing top ten teams. KU is totally in if it goes 12-0.
#2. CONNECTICUT? WHAT? How are they still in this Big East discussion. They're beating Rutgers right now. If they hold on, they're in line for a BCS berth from the conference, and almost undoubtedly will be playing either Hawaii or Boise State, presuming one of the two doesn't get derailed. Right now, my money would be on Boise State. They're like 21 right now, and a few teams above them lost today. I'd say they climb to probably 17 or 18.
#3. The Big XII will get two BCS berths. Among Kansas, Missouri, and Oklahoma, you cannot pass up on two of those teams.
#4. The Big Ten should get none. What a lame ass conference! OSU was close to Wisconsin for three quarters in their own town. They don't deserve a national title shot again. Not after last year, and not with their competition this year.
#5. Teams who play weak ass competition (aka, lame Division I-AA teams) at this point of the season to get really inflated scores don't deserve to get a BCS berth.
#6. Notre Dame today-REALLY BADLY COACHED. They had a few good shots at knocking out Navy, and Weis made just stupid calls (more of which would merit firing). Who goes for 4th and 8 when you're in field goal range with like a minute on the clock? WHO? Although when you're record is 1-8, that must say something about your coaching as it is. If Weis can't get things sorted out with some positive momentum going into next season, I see him maybe being canned if Notre Dame starts out as 0-5 again. Then someone else can lead Notre Dame on what would promise to be a puffy schedule.
#7. LSU=the most nail biting team in the country. I swear. Four weeks in a row of utter madness, yet sheer amazingness. Coming back against Florida, almost making it against Kentucky, and then getting back to back come backs (lots of backs) against Alabama and Auburn. Damn.
#8. National title is up for grabs. If OSU and Kansas go undefeated, they're pretty much in. But who would be the one-loss teams to make it? I would actually put Oregon above LSU because Oregon has not had to come back so many times. After LSU, I would have to put Oklahoma, then Missouri and West Virginia. I see no other contenders after WVU.
#9. My top ten (assuming Boston College loses tonight):
1. Kansas 2. Oregon 3. LSU 4. Ohio State 5. Oklahoma 6. Missouri 7. West Virginia 8. Arizona State 9. Georgia 10. Virginia Tech
#10. Pats vs. Colts prediction tomorrow? I'm guessing a blow out on one side or another, but that's probably a stupid guess. I'd have to root for the Colts, because all Boston teams and New York teams, plus USC, Notre Dame, Ohio State, and Tony Romo deserve to lose every game they play just because the world pretty much hates them. I, personally, would rather be watching Cleveland, New Orleans, San Diego, or Pittsburg play.
GRE=distant memory.
I've barely managed to eke out any additional homework tonight. I'm definitely going to read the remaining 40 pages or so I have for history this week and I'll try to start on my proteomics worksheet for my methods class.
In the desperate attempt to dissuade myself from self loathing, I must turn my attention to football, and I have like 10 observations I think I should make.
#1. If Kansas runs the table, it deserves a spot in the national championship. Now that ASU has lost, I don't have to consider them, but looking at Kansas' manhandling of Nebraska, I have to conclude that right now, it's one of the top 2 teams in the country. USC only beat NU like 44-21. Kansas? 76-39. And two of those Nebraska touchdowns were pity ones that Kansas allowed. Hot damn, folks. KU's got something hot. If KU runs the table, they'll have beaten good Big XII teams, like Oklahoma State, Colorado, Kansas State (ok, they're not so good), and great ones like Missouri and almost definitely Oklahoma. Ohio State and Boston College have no claims of playing top ten teams. KU is totally in if it goes 12-0.
#2. CONNECTICUT? WHAT? How are they still in this Big East discussion. They're beating Rutgers right now. If they hold on, they're in line for a BCS berth from the conference, and almost undoubtedly will be playing either Hawaii or Boise State, presuming one of the two doesn't get derailed. Right now, my money would be on Boise State. They're like 21 right now, and a few teams above them lost today. I'd say they climb to probably 17 or 18.
#3. The Big XII will get two BCS berths. Among Kansas, Missouri, and Oklahoma, you cannot pass up on two of those teams.
#4. The Big Ten should get none. What a lame ass conference! OSU was close to Wisconsin for three quarters in their own town. They don't deserve a national title shot again. Not after last year, and not with their competition this year.
#5. Teams who play weak ass competition (aka, lame Division I-AA teams) at this point of the season to get really inflated scores don't deserve to get a BCS berth.
#6. Notre Dame today-REALLY BADLY COACHED. They had a few good shots at knocking out Navy, and Weis made just stupid calls (more of which would merit firing). Who goes for 4th and 8 when you're in field goal range with like a minute on the clock? WHO? Although when you're record is 1-8, that must say something about your coaching as it is. If Weis can't get things sorted out with some positive momentum going into next season, I see him maybe being canned if Notre Dame starts out as 0-5 again. Then someone else can lead Notre Dame on what would promise to be a puffy schedule.
#7. LSU=the most nail biting team in the country. I swear. Four weeks in a row of utter madness, yet sheer amazingness. Coming back against Florida, almost making it against Kentucky, and then getting back to back come backs (lots of backs) against Alabama and Auburn. Damn.
#8. National title is up for grabs. If OSU and Kansas go undefeated, they're pretty much in. But who would be the one-loss teams to make it? I would actually put Oregon above LSU because Oregon has not had to come back so many times. After LSU, I would have to put Oklahoma, then Missouri and West Virginia. I see no other contenders after WVU.
#9. My top ten (assuming Boston College loses tonight):
1. Kansas 2. Oregon 3. LSU 4. Ohio State 5. Oklahoma 6. Missouri 7. West Virginia 8. Arizona State 9. Georgia 10. Virginia Tech
#10. Pats vs. Colts prediction tomorrow? I'm guessing a blow out on one side or another, but that's probably a stupid guess. I'd have to root for the Colts, because all Boston teams and New York teams, plus USC, Notre Dame, Ohio State, and Tony Romo deserve to lose every game they play just because the world pretty much hates them. I, personally, would rather be watching Cleveland, New Orleans, San Diego, or Pittsburg play.
GRE=distant memory.
Friday, November 2, 2007
AAAH!
Um, ma vie est une vie horrible. J'ai besoin d'etudier pour mes examens, mais l'examen demain est le plus dificil.
Yep, the time has come for the GRE to basically suck out my soul.
I've taken two practice tests, and I got a 710 on the first one and a 790 on the second one. My subscores on the second one were 84, 78, and 71, which are the 96th, 88th, and 75th percentiles respectively. So I look REALLY good for cellular and molecular biology, ok on organismic biology, and meh on ecology and evolution. That class last semester did nothing for me. Grr.
Actually a 790 is a pretty decent score, it puts me in the 90th percentile overall, which I think is good. I really want to break at least 800 though, and if possible like 850.
I have a stack of like 250 note cards to go through before tomorrow. I also made up three charts mapping out all of the different biomes there are, the kinds of animals and plants there, and soil quality, one that was about the different systems of animal phylla, and different phylla's members and special adaptations as a whole.
All in all, I'm fucked, I think.
No class again today, because I need to study, so basically, I need some time to relax to, according to my book, so I think I'm going to get a vanilla latte or something like that.
Later.
Yep, the time has come for the GRE to basically suck out my soul.
I've taken two practice tests, and I got a 710 on the first one and a 790 on the second one. My subscores on the second one were 84, 78, and 71, which are the 96th, 88th, and 75th percentiles respectively. So I look REALLY good for cellular and molecular biology, ok on organismic biology, and meh on ecology and evolution. That class last semester did nothing for me. Grr.
Actually a 790 is a pretty decent score, it puts me in the 90th percentile overall, which I think is good. I really want to break at least 800 though, and if possible like 850.
I have a stack of like 250 note cards to go through before tomorrow. I also made up three charts mapping out all of the different biomes there are, the kinds of animals and plants there, and soil quality, one that was about the different systems of animal phylla, and different phylla's members and special adaptations as a whole.
All in all, I'm fucked, I think.
No class again today, because I need to study, so basically, I need some time to relax to, according to my book, so I think I'm going to get a vanilla latte or something like that.
Later.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
