End of Spring Break

Well, today's the last day of my break. After today, there are 50 days left in my semester, 1200 hours, and so on.

I have to say that despite not doing anything particularly astounding, I must say that this week--ten days if we're technical--has been somewhat changing in long term ramifications.

I went from making the worst mistake of my life to returning full heartedly to the crusade that I aimed to begin at the beginning of the year, and I intend on seeing through t its natural conclusion--my victory.

Being alone for eight days made me sure that I want to stay that way for a very long time. I have never been mroe certain of my ascertation never to marry and never to have children. This world is growing worse and worse with each passing year, and I will not put anyone else through it, especially children that I would have.

I saw an interesting article tonight that says that Islam is now the worst's largest religion, supplanting Catholicism. While this is a natural development, what I find as surprising is that the news organization divvies the Christian religions up into their constituent elements (Catholicism, Protestantism, Orthodoxy), but doesn't do the same thing with Muslims into their groups (Shiites and Sunnis). If you do that division, what will happen is you lose Iran, most of Iraq, a lot of Syria and parts of Lebanon and a whole bunch of other areas. If you apply the same treatment to all religions, as should be done, Catholicism will still be the larger religion. I find it odd that they didn't do that. It was actually the Vatican that put it out, so maybe they were doing it to prompt more Catholic breeding. Next thing you know, they'll start encouraging premarital sex so that more Catholic babies will begin popping out.

I think it would be better for all of these religions involved to measure their following not on births but on practice. I think you would find the total number of Muslims and Christians much closer than expected.

The largest growing groups though continue to be evangelicals and other assorted religions like Mormonism. All of this is concerning to me because I live in Colorado Springs, the evangelical capital of the world basically, and I can only imagine what will happen if evangelicals come into power--forced praise and worship sessions, obligatory testimonials, funds constantly funnelling into religious organizations. The Republican party has already been conquered. There's very little left for sensible people to join.

I think someday in my lifespan, there will be a great war, far more influential than what's going on now in Iraq and Afghanistan. There are really only a few possibilities that I see happening. First, there may be a great Islamic civil war, the likes that Christians saw in Europe in the 1600s where up to 30% of populations can be killed. The rising power of Iran is testimony to this. If they get nuclear weapons, they will not only kill the Jews of Israel, but also the Arabs of the Middle East.

The second option is that Islamic fundamentalism wins out in the Middle East. War then essentially will be between everyone and Islam. If places like China think they'll be saved, they'll be sorely mistaken. The US and Europe are but the first fronts. Latin America and China would be next.

The third is the last superpower war, between the US and its few remaining allies and Russia/China and their last few remaining allies. A nuclear war strong enough to wipe out life on earth.

Obviously there is very little rosy disposition about the future I see.

Anyways, in other developments, I have thoroughly studied up my citric acid cycle for my biochemistry quiz on Wednesday, I have thoroughly ignored logic, and I now have 64 pages on my thesis. Major improvement from my 18 a little more than a week ago. My guess is I'll have at least 20 more pages, maybe at least 30. This is definitely going to break my record of 72 pages that my Stalinism essay was back in freshman year.

I am so tired. I haven't slept well in the last three days.

Ending 'Vacation'

So I have only about 48 more hours left until school starts back into full force again. Such disappointment for me, to have to go back into that land of blech for another 50 days. But, alas, it's something that must be done.

I have a countdown thing on my facebook page wihch tells me that I have something like 270 days left to go until I graduate. (That long? Damn.)

So what do I have planned for the next 48 hours? Well, I do have to finish my handout/quizzette thing in genetics lab. I'll probably do that at some point today, perhaps after this.

I also need to get at least 10 more pages written on my thesis. I promised to have between 60 and 70 pages ready to turn in by Wednesday. Right now I think I have 53 (maybe it's 54), so if I can get between ten and fifteen more pages, then I will be somewhat satisfied. It's looking more and more likely that my thesis is going to be between 90 and 100 pages long. If it's at least 100, then I suppose that that would be good, because they (the two people doing all the judging) may not feel like reading 100+ pages of material and automatically give me an A? Right...I doubt that's going to fly.

Besides my thesis, I have several other things that should be done, such as studying for this week's biochemistry quiz, this week's logic exam (hardee har har), studying my French vocabulary and adjective strucutre, on both of which I have quizzes on Monday.

I have an extra credit biostats homework assignment too, but I'm not even going to touch it until Monday.

So that leaves me with many things to do, and such a small amount of time to do it all in.

If I just quit today, this would be my grades in all of my classes:

Logic: 29%
Biostats: 47% (that's a D, actually)
Biochemistry: 48%
Advanced Immunology: 45%
Genetics Lab: 43%
Bioseminar: 10%
Thesis: 30%
French: 60% (D)

Not that any of this is any good.

How much longer until I get a break?

It's what, the 27th of March? I have to go until the 19th of May before I get a reasonable respite from all the hell of this semester. BLAH!

I must say that I really would be happy if I could just finish one or two of my classes now. This week I'll get REALLY close to finishing my biostatistics class, as I have my second test this coming Thursday (a week from today). After it's over, I'm only going to have something like 150 points left in the class, out of over 500. Basically, if I get an A on this test on Thursday, I can get no worse than a B in the class, even if I didn't take the final.

That's basically the only good news I have anywhere on the horizon. My thesis is up to 42 pages, and I'm probably going to need that many more before I can say I have a completed thesis (not perfect, but just plain completed). I've sort of got my third chapter done. I'm not going to finish my second one now because it's just about science, and I need to focus on my argument with the philosophy stuff first. I think that once I get it done, I should be ok. My guess is I'll probably get a B on it, but as I described in my last post, this will not kill me. In fact, it'll barely phase my GPA. Plus, it's philosophy, and I'm not going into philosophy as a life path or anything like that.

Pretty much, even if I get a C, I'm still going to graduate magna cum laude, I'm still going to have three majors and a minor, and I'll be at various levels of competence in seven languages. Fluent in two (English and Spanish), decent in a third (French), and familiar with four more (Latin, German, Italian, and Irish Gaelic).

I think that's a pretty damn good accomplishment.

Today's agenda isn't too complex. I have already done a load of laundry, which is drying on the line, and it's 9:30. I also have already vaccuumed the kitchen and living room, cleaned the first floor bathroom, and yeah. Other things to do today include folding and hanging other clothes, doing some dishes, more thesis writing, and vaccuuming two other rooms on the first floor. Tonight, I have to play easter bunny because my family is coming home tomorrow, so I have to do all of that good stuff.

To be honest, my sister is getting to the age where the beans should be spilled pretty soon. I learned when I was 8, and she's almost 9 now. My guess is that after this coming Christmas she'll hear the down and dirty truth about the tooth fairy, easter bunny, and santa claus.

This next week is so going to suck. I can feel it. And I have at least five more after that.

It makes me really hate my sister right now, because she gets out of school on May 2. Actually, I think for her it's April 30 that she's done with how her finals pan out.

Meanwhile, I still have 19 days of torment at that point.

I can take comfort in knowing that my bioseminar class is done the 30th of April, my thesis has to be pretty much done by then, and like I said, I shouldn't have to worry too much about biostats by that point. My genetics lab grade should be pretty friggin close to an A, and French will be almost there.

I need one of those breaks where you don't have to care about anything-school, work, anything. Blech.

Sources

I've been doing some thinking and I can tell what a lot of my problems are stemming from.

First: I cannot cope well with stress, which is completely and totally ironic, because I put so much of it onto myself, you would think that I would be an expert at handling stress.

Second: The means by which I handle stress are fundamentally not healthy for me. Duh.

Third: In order to improve and rid myself of my badness, I have to find that healthy alternative. I'm trying to figure out what it might be--something that doesn't cost a lot of money. I've tried walking, but unfortuantely, I don't do enough of it to be effective. I would have to walk maybe 3 or 4 hours, and my dog cannot last more than 20 minutes.

Fourth: I need to put less pressure on myself to excel to unreasonable levels. I'm getting a little better at that. I figure that I'll get A's in French, Biostats, Logic, and bioseminar pretty easily. Biochemistry looks like it'll be a firm A also. That's 14 pretty much guaranteed A's. If I can get A's in the rest of my classes that are not thesis (advanced immunology [this is the one that matters most], genetics lab), then my thesis isn't a huge deal. So long as I get at least a C on my thesis, I'll be happy, because it gets me my degree. That's all that matters. In 40 years, having a 4.0 all of college won't be a huge deal. I mean, I've taken so many classes that even if I did get a C, I would have a 3.74 on the semester (it would knock me off of the Dean's List, so I would prefer to get at least a C+) and a 3.97 GPA overall (assuming I get straight A's in the fall). A C+ would let me have a 3.97 overall and a 3.77 on semester. So if I get all A's except a C+ in thesis, I would still get on the Dean's List. A B- would give a 3.82 semester and a 3.98 overall. A B would give me a 3.86 semester and a 3.98 overall. A B+: 3.90 semester and 3.99 overall. An A-: 3.96 semester and a 3.995 overall. Seriously not too phased.

Fifth: I procrastinate too much. This leads to much stress. I've been trying to correct it, but I haven't had a whole lot of luck on that, especially this semester. I mean, I could be working on my philosophy thesis now, rather than typing on here.

Speaking of thesis, guess who has 30 pages done??? I DO!!!!! The only problem is that I'm about 1/2 done, i.e. my thesis is going to be about as long as my last majorly huge paper.

I'm going to try to get five more pages in tonight before I go to bed, so if I can do that, I'll be impressed with myself.

Things I have to do still:
Discuss complex genetic stuff like transposons, immunoglobin genes, and CD40
Develop the milieu of mechanistic materialism.
Argue why it is so wrong for biology
Demonstrate that current alternatives are not suitable enough
Develop a dialectic of genes
Discuss implications

That's easily going to be 30+ pages.

Living alone does some good things for me, but there are still a lot of distractions around, ones that weren't there as much when I lived in the dorm. TV and Internet prove to be my undoing.

I need to clean house too, now that I think about it. Certain parts of the house are pretty messy. I should get on that promptly.

Advances

So, on the front of monkey tossing. I made two major things happen that will help me so much to breaking free of the monkey. First, I set up a private journal where I could be totally honest about my problems, my motivations, my disappointments in myself, everything that led to last Friday. Second, I went through the house and got rid of everything that I could use to indulge in monkeying. I made a promise to myself also not to subject myself to the triggers that tempted me to embrace the monkey. So that's good. Someday, I may make all of those posts on my private blog public, just so other people who are facing the same problem might benefit from my experience, and I may be more direct about what the monkey is, but until I am able to shake it, I have too much shame and embarrassment to tell anyone. When I break it forever, I'll tell the world. But until then, I don't want to take any chances.

I think I've finalized my schedule for this fall. Very simple stuff, really:
Principles of Flow Cytometry
Molecular Biology
History of Russia to 1860
History Thesis
International Environmental Politics
German II
Italian I
French III

Only 28 hours, 3 before the semester starts and three REALLY easy classes. So I only have 12 hours to worry about. Better than this semester where I have to worry about 15 hours all the time.

My whole "I'm going to do so much homework" thing is not panning out as well as I would have liked. So far, I have my biostats and biochem tests studied for, and about 4 slides on my bioseminar presentation, basically only the background to the research. I'm supposed to have 25 minutes of presentation material, and I'm probably going to have 30-40. I might be able to get more.

What I really have to do is to write another draft of thesis. Ugh, too much.
Stupid thesis. I hate theses.

Learning from Mistakes

That's today's theme anyways, because I've made a few in the last few days. It's hard to describe exactly what they are because to some people they would be gravely serious and to others it would be not serious at all.

Regardless of how people see it, I see them as almost necessary. Actually, probably totally necessary. Because from these mistakes that I have made, I have not only learned a lot about myself, but also have realized that my own personal crusade on which I embarked at the beginning of the year has had serious falterings. The monkey on my back, which shall forever be the darkest stain on my life, came back in February. I didn't want to mention it, but it did. I was doing really well for a while, and I had gotten this bad habit down to nearly eliminated. But then I had a couple of stressful weeks and I relapsed right back into it. This week was probably the most extreme in probably a few years...maybe 3?

(By the way, I've had this problem since 9th grade. I've been trying to shake it since then without much luck. I did have a period where I did nothing with it for maybe 5 months, but the whole stress thing came back and I went right back into it).

Anyways, the whole culmination of this problem came this week, when I was REALLY stressed out about getting tests back, working in my thesis, and then my advanced immunology presentation and cooking. Yesterday, having finished all of that, I snapped.

I must say that what happened yesterday was quite possibly the worst experience in my entire life. It was painful, it was hazardous, but looking back on it, it was necessary. Whenever you read about drug addicts, you always hear about how they reach their lowest point (I'm not a drug addict, but I can sympathize with them). Yesterday was that point for me. I subjected myself to grave and serious danger, physically, mentally, and psychologically. The worst thing of all was that until this morning, I neither really remembered it, nor did I really care.

Today, however, with the benefit of hindsight, I know that the bottom point has been reached, that the crusade which I began had seriously faltered, that the monkey basically bred five more monkeys on my back. Today, they come off.

My mistake was bad in most respects. But it was a necessary one. It has made me realize the serious consequences that my actions can have on myself for perhaps the first time. Maybe because it was because I was alone that I was allowed to take such outrageous actions to their extreme. That knowing without any possibility of any family being around, I could in my solitude indulge in the darkest elements of the monkey. To be in a place where I can make a mess and tidy it without drawing suspicions. My tracks could forever be covered. In any regard, I have taken my horrid experience yesterday and decided to destroy that legacy of my life forever. To use yesterday's mistake as a reminder of the dangers involved with my behavior.

The crusade was not defeated yesterday. It was damaged, but today, it arises with total and complete force. I will crush this monkey with every ounce of strength that I have. The iron rod with which I crush my academic enemies will now be used to crush the monkey on my back. This time, I don't have to crush myself either. I can emerge from these mistakes with greater motivation and a greater maturity than what I once had. I can no longer do these things to myself and risk my sanity, my potential, and my life.

I took the first step today. Embracing the need for change, and tossing out the means by which I could destroy myself. For that, I am proud of myself.

Today begins the rest of my life. I now truly am on day one of defeating my internal enemy. The monkey will have to do elsewhere.

Course Schedules

Woot. Fall course schedules came out.

Since I only have one class that I HAVE to take, I'm going to, as I promised myself, enjoy my last semester.

Here's a listing of all classes that work for that goal:

BIOL 484: Molecular Biology
BIOL 488: Principles of Flow Cytometry
GRK 101: Intro to Ancient Greek
HIST 300: Ottoman Empire
HIST 300: History of Russia to 1860
HIST 499: Thesis
PSC 429: International Environmental Politics
PES 306: Astrophysics (for listening in only, not for credit)

Now, I won't do the Ottoman Empire or ancient Greek classes because I don't want to do that much. I doubt I would listen in on Astrophysics either. So basically, I'd be doing 5 classes at UCCS.

Pikes Peak is offering a few classes too. This is what I plan on taking from them:
FREN 211: French III
GER 112: German II
ITAL 111: Italian I

Obviously, I decided to go with German instead of Japanese for two reasons: 1) it's cheaper, 2) I can do German online, apparently.

My advanced immunology presentation went ok today, I suppose.

This is what I have to do in the next 10 days:

BIOL 300: EC homework, Study for exam 2
BIOL 401: PRESENTATION
BIOL 384: Quizzette, Lab 5
BIOL 431: Work on Grant
CHEM 482: Study for Quiz 3
FR 102: Finish Chapter 7
PHIL 495: Write a draft of my thesis-about 30-40 more pages.

Today and tomorrow will be the easy stuff: French and Chemistry. I'm going to try to knock out as much Genetics lab as possible too.

Saturday=biology presentation

Sunday=biostats

Monday-Sunday=Thesis

Notice how my life sucks?

Two months left!

That's all there is in this semester, give or take about 10 hours or so. The frustrating thing is that I am not over 50% in more than two classes. I did just pass 50% in biochemistry because Ray got a 99.5% on his last test. Booya!

I also got a 98.5% on my French test from last week, huzah.

I finished my presentation for immunology today. It's going to be so freaking amazing, it's not even funny. Basically, most people in the class just type full sentences in a row on their power points, whereas I only put key words or phrases in so that people are forced to listen to me.

I do have one political issue to discuss today. I've been following for the last four weeks or so the rate at which nations have recognized Kosovo as an independent state. I remember back in the 90s when these people were getting slaughtered, and now that they've broken free from Serbia's clutches, they've been having a hard time getting sympathy outside of Europe. Out of 192 countries in the world, only 32 have recognized Kosovo (USA, Canada, Costa Rica, Peru, Ireland, Iceland, Sweden, Finland, Estonia, Latvia, Lithuania, Poland, Germany, Denmark, Belgium, The Netherlands, Luxembourg, France, Switzerland, Austria, Hungary, Bulgaria, Albania, Turkey, Italy, Slovenia, Croatia, Afghanistan, Malaysia, Senegal, Australia, Japan) and about an equal number refuse to recognize, which I find insulting, because these are people trying to make lives for themselves without having to fear being murdered or ethnically cleansed. Shame on the countries without the balls to stand up to Russia: Ukraine, Algeria, Georgia, Armenia, etc. These people have earned the right to be free. Give them that right!

I'm determined to know at least 10 languages in the next 10 years. I've got two down pat (English and Spanish), and the other 8 I would like to learn are French, Latin, Italian, Japanese, Portuguese, American Sign Language, Irish Gaelic, and probably German.

I would seriously do Peace Corps if it was a one year commitment, but these people demand 27 months. Ph.D. programs are NOT forgiving for taking that much time off.

Ugh, I am TIRED. I need to get some sleep so that I can spend tomorrow cooking.

Ireland

It's days like today that really make me proud to be Irish. To have that kind of a history, that kind of a culture. I'll resolve to learn its langauge like I have so many others.

The language is the real connection to the past. When I learn French, I can feel that connection, and I can imagine the ancestors who decided to leave France for opportunities in Quebec, then once Montreal was filled with Frenchies, to move to Illinois and be among the first settlers in a strange, new land.

I want that connection to the other parts of my ancestry: Ireland especially, but also Germany, Switzerland, and Scotland.

Perhaps I may take German this summer instead of Japanese and see if that German heritage grows in appreciation like my French and Irish.

The Wire

That's what everything is coming down to right now. I'm really sort of blech right now with all of this school stuff. It's Monday and I need three more days to go by really quickly before I can start hammering as much as possible with April and May stuff.

I'm working right now, which is somewhat rare. It was sort of serrendipidous (sp issues here) that I am here, because I came up here to work on my immunology presentation so that I would not be bothered b/c no one up here has science on their brains. However, the person who has the 2-4 shift never showed up, so I'm here now. At least I get paid basically $20.

My dad got me the Celtic Thunder CD yesterday, which I suppose is alright. Nowhere near as good as Celtic Woman, but they have a few good songs, most of which are not celtic. Whatever.

So today is St. Patrick's day. Not, as I have seen here on campus "Happy Shamrock Day", nor is it a "it's not important day so let's forget about it" as some people in religious places are wont to say. TODAY is St. Patrick's Day. It's a day of historical significance for all Irish people because it represents the change that my ancestors and those of all other Irish descendants made from paganism to Christianity. That movement was DIRECTLY responsible for the conversion of the Scots, English, Germans, and many Franks to Christianity also. It also represents a day of significance for all Irish men and women, the suffering that they endured under the British and the discrimination against them here in America. It is a remembrance of their survival despite all oppression. Any change to that memory as has been done by the politically correct and by the Catholic Church is a direct violation of that heritage. As a descendant of those men and women who sacrificed so much, I am equally as violated that their memory deserves to be discards because it either has a religious connotation or because the Catholic Church is so damn picky about all its rules that it thinks it has the right to violate a heritage not based in religion but in blood. I was born Irish first, and if anyone thinks that I will diminish that remembrance because it happens to fall on the week that it does is sorely mistaken. I will always be an Irishman. I can easily choose not to be religious.

So, I probably should get back to work on my immunology presentation so that I can get it out of the way.

ONE WEEK LEFT!!! GAH!!!

Ugh. I only need to make it through four more days before I'm able to jump for joy, knowing that I have ten days of no school.

The only thing I have left that's really stressful is my presentation, which is about half done right now. I've finished all the background to my article, now I just need to do the article. Then once I make all of my powerpoint, I'll still have to write all of my notes. Not to mention to finish cooking all of my food. I've finished making two dishes...only 5 to go.

Things I need this week:

1. A really high A on my biochemistry test from last week.
2. My Star Wars soundtracks to come in at the library.
3. My presentation to go REALLY well.
4. To write probably 5-10 more pages of thesis.
5. SLEEP
6. A snow day would be REALLY nice, but I doubt I'll get that.

Weird

So, I'm definitely not getting sick. My problem was that it's so dry in all the buildings at school, and I had been indoors all day, that I was congested and dried up to my eyeballs. The second after I got outside things were clearing up, and I felt much better.

Speaking of which, last Thursday was the first time that I left school this whole semester for the day on a non-Friday and it was still light out. Amazingness. I like avoiding being out in the dark.

I'm sort of getting things done. Once this week is over, I think I'll feel more accomplished, maybe because March will be done with when it comes to school, except for the 31st. After Spring Break, I'll only have one day of March, four weeks of April, and three-ish in May. Then basically the hardest part of the last four years of my life will be over, and I can hopefully relax for a few days or weeks. I can get over this feeling of being perpetually tired.

So, I've been bad with school on one regard. I mean, I came home from school pretty early on Thursday and Friday, and instead of doing homework, I watched movies, the original three Star Wars to be specific. I saw them in theatres when they did the revisions back in the late nineties, I think it was (maybe the last one came out in 2000). I wasn't a huge fan of them then, but I must admit, I like those three much more now. I'm still not big on the second set of three they put out-especially that first one. Man, I hated that movie.

The rest of today's agenda is pretty simple: WORK ON THESIS. I'm supposed to turn in ten more pages tomorrow--and I have 3, somewhat poorly written ones.

Tomorrow's is also simple. Because ten pages should be done on the thesis by then, I'll need to devote Sunday to my presentation for immunology.

Spring Break looks to be INCREDIBLY busy as evidenced by what I have to do:
1. Write at least 20 more pages of thesis
2. Do my bioseminar presentation
3. Get about 5 pages of my immunology grant done
4. Study for a biostats test
5. Study for a biochemistry quiz
6. Write another genetics lab and do the 25 point handout.

Afterwards, things should start to look better. I'll have an almost complete draft of my thesis, I'll have my bioseminar stuff done a MONTH ahead of schedule, I'll only need 15 more pages for immunology, and I'll be over halfway done with the genetics lab stuff for the semester. After Spring Break, and those two bugger tests are done, this is what I'll have to do for April:

1. FINISH at least two drafts of my thesis.
2. One biochemistry test and the final quiz
3. French Exam III
4. Miscellaneous genetics lab work
5. Two critical thinking tests and a presentation for that class as well
6. At least 10 pages of my immunology grant.

I'm starting to gain some confidence about what I'm doing this semester, but I'm going to need some good grades, especially on those two tests from this last week and on my immunology presentation this week to get me there.

To work!

Miserable Blogger

I'm tired. Like, really seriously I need sleep tired. However, I will not be able to get a decent amount of sleep or rest for the next 8 days or so, until Spring Break comes.

Between aujord'hui and then, this is all the crap I have to do:

PHIL 112: Test, Thursday
BIOL 401: Article prepped for Wednesday
BIOL 300: Homework 7, group exercise 3
BIOL 431: Presentation (Most important thing to do), Experimental approach
BIOL 384: Lab 4, Quiz 6
PHIL 495: At LEAST 7 more pages

Tonight I'll get the genetics stuff done (obviously, since it's due tomorrow).

I feel kind of blech, like I'm coming down with yet another wonderful disease. Hopefully this is certainly not the case.

I should be working on something, for a change, perhaps.

Update? Twice in two days?

So, anyone who say the first prequel star wars movie should see this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0syR0FmwRZw&feature=related

Between Nostalgia and Anticipation

I've been in kind of a weird mood this weekend.

First, I should mention that I had no intention of not being on blogspot for almost a week, but the stupid computer at school and here at home both were all "ARGH COOKIES!" and so posting has been nearly impossible.

So, a brief recap. No real grades this last week, as I had no tests or papers or anything. I did get back my philosophy tests, but I think I mentioned that in my last post. I have another one next Tuesday, which should account for the vast majority of my grade. Pretty much everyone is struggling with basic logic (I'm honestly not, it actually is pretty much second nature to me because it's what I do ALL the time in my writing and science), so I'm a hot comodity in there.

This week promises to be reasonable stressful, as Wednesday is like a day from hell: two tests, another chapter of my philosophy thesis to turn in. Ugh. I haven't even started writing those ten pages, and they're due in like three days. Disgusting.

I totally decided that with exception for my one required class (history thesis), any classes that I take in the next year are going to be for personal benefit.

Then upon finishing all of my classes for the next year, I'm going to spend about a month in France, Belgium, the Netherlands, Luxembourg, Switzerland, England, Scotland, Wales, and Ireland, doing nothing but travelling and seeing all the amazing sights there. I think I'll have had enough French to communicate pretty well in France, the Low Countries, and Switzerland, so that'll be good. I may try to learn some basic Irish Gaelic and Dutch for communication's sake.

I figure that in order to be able to travel for this long in massively expensive Europe, I'm going to have to save maybe around $10,000, as a ballpark estimate. I figure about $1000 for the flights, and $300 per day in travel, food, lodging, and tourist prices.

So far, I have about $500 saved up, so I only have $9500 to go, and around 90 weeks left to do it. I figure if I save around $100 per week, it should be enough to get me travelling for really the first time in my life. The plus side is that if I don't spend 10K, then I'll have lots of money leftover for another trip or something else cool.

Ok, anyways. Mon weekend. I basically did nothing that I should have done that's a really big deal. Except maybe biochemistry-I did a LOT of that stuff, considering I have a major test in it this week. I read all of my articles for this week too for advanced and bioseminar.

I'm starting to feel slightly less stressed out about my thesis class because I remember back in freshman year at Regis I wrote a 74 page paper in a month. I didn't actually start writing until the end of March, and here I am with 20 pages by Wednesday.

Really though, this weekend was sort of a disappointment on getting ahead in things. I suppose that I could spend a few hours tonight getting ahead in logic before Emma comes on.

By the way, Sense and Sensibility is an AMAZING movie. It's like the first movie in years to make me tear up. That part at the end where Emma Thompson, the totally emotionally restricted and socially dutiful woman, realizes that Hugh Grant didn't marry the skank and he's in her house because he loves her and wants her so she starts bawling is so heart wrenching. I mean, the whole movie you want her to get her man and it looks like he's gone off in this other broad's arms. All these other women including her younger sister are getting men and she's left alone. Then, all of a sudden he shows up and asks to marry him. Ahh. So wonderful.

I think my order of favorite Jane Austen movies so far are the good Pride and Prejudice, Sense and Sensibility, Persuasion, Northanger Abbey, and Mansfield Park. All that's left for me to see is Emma, and I hear it's REALLY good.

Well, I'm going to go get some actual work done now. Adieu mes amies.

Upset, Distressed, and Downtrodden

Such right now is the story of my life. Ironically, this is the point of the semester when lots of grades sort of start to come in, and so far, they've all been fantastic. I think in the last two weeks, I've gotten something like 15 grades and the lowest was a 90% (my genetics quiz that was worth only 10 points-plus I get to drop my lowest score) and my highest has been a 104%.

Despite those successes, there are two really glaring things that are really leading to a more pronounced upset for me. First, of course, is and always will be thesis. I just feel like a stupid shit when I read these other people who have written on the topic and that I am utterly and completely incapable of doing this thing. I mean, how are my ideas supposed to mean anything when it comes to scientific analysis and what really counts. No matter what I write, scientists will keep doing whatever the hell it is that they are doing now, and philosophers would only ridicule me.

The second is work. I feel like a stupid shit there too, even more so than with my thesis, because I feel like I'm a detriment to the department. I made a mistake this week that wasn't critical, but it was something that could potentially be critical, and I had no idea I was making it. So my boss was getting a little huffy with me because I wasn't really sure what I was doing with a lot of this stuff. Basically, I really would like to cry right now, given the fact that in everything that I do, I'm basically sucking big time right now.

I wish my life didn't have to be like this. Sigh.

It's Colorado

So, less than fifteen hours ago, it was about 70 degrees. Right now, the wind is blowing at about 20 mph and by the way, there's over an inch of snow on the ground. Fascinating.

So my coughing is still causing me all sorts of problems. I'm sure if I kept a bottle around, I would have filled it by now with my expectorated mucus and saliva. I'm freaking stick of flu. Flu=shit. However, I must admit that except for the whole coughing issue, I'm doing fantastically this morning, which means, of course, that I can work my ass off on school stuff.

Today's plans involve getting as close to DONE with my thesis research as possible, catching up on my work lab notebook, and memorizing all my French vocabulary of vegetables, fruits, and grocery stock things like butter (la beurre) and oil (l'huile). This should be doable, but knowing me, I'll only get like 1/10 of it done.

Last night was nice, as I got to watch Persuasion by myself, and catch up on my genetics lab notebook. Fortunately, since we have not finished the lab from last week, I have no write up to turn in on Friday. This would let me focus on other things, but unfortuantely, I have very few large projects due this week. Actually, I think I don't have anything due this week...damn.

Well, then, since I have nothing due, I may as well take advantage of that fact and move forward with other classes. I may try to get ahead in logic so I don't have to care about that class at all for the next couple of weeks until the test on the 18th.

Spring break is in three weeks. Then there are only like six after that until the end of the semester. This springs forth words like "shit" and "holy hell" from my mouth, because I am running out of time.

Methinks I should get to work now. Adieu, mes amis.

So Much for Cure

I had two basically fantastic days, Thursday and Friday, with exception for some phlegm and coughing. I felt wonderful, alert, going strong, active minded, et cetera.

Today is a completely different story, and I am hoping that it's not related to this flu. I've now had it for 10 days, and I had hoped that everything was shaken off, but last night was not a good night sleeping. I had been in a chair downstairs for the last 6 days or so and last night was the first that I decided to try sleeping in my bed, and that left me coughing much of the night. So partially because of that, I'm tired and somewhat woozy. I'm getting a headache which I think is due to this front coming in, and I'm having more coughing and phlegm than yesterday. It may just be a downswing from weening off the drugs (which I now refuse to take again--I'm pretty much behind in everything, and I don't need to complicate things by taking Dimetapp or anything like that). I may sit outside for a while today, because it is a quite nice day.

School is looking somewhat brighter. I got 20 out of 20 on my last two genetics labs, but a 9/10 on my last quiz, because I could not remember for the life of me what a cloning vector did. And again, there is the fantastic success that accompanied my recent biostats test that I can't even remember taking.

This weekend is largely devoted to trying to get ahead on my thesis stuff. I had hoped last weekend to finish my research, however, the flu limited that. I don't think I'll get to writing any more of it this weekend, as I have 11 books to go through, but I do hope for progress, assuming that my mind doesn't collapse under this wooziness.

I'm starting to get cautiously more optimistic about most of my grades. Most, but not all. Thesis is the big exception.

However, I'm not as phased about getting a B or an A- as I used to be. If I were to get straight A's except for a B in thesis, my overall GPA would still be 3.98, and if I got an A-, then I would have a 3.99. That's a GPA I can live with, even if it's not 4.0.

Meh, I really don't feel like talking much more anymore. Back to work.