Kind of meh right now

I'm not in the best of happy states right now. I have not been all day. I continue to be pretty disappointed in myself.

I'm starting to come to the conclusion that I'm not going to amount to much of anything. Even when I work 12 hours per day seven days per week, I'm still not going to amount to much, because I'm pretty much forever going to be under the shadow of my family members and their expectations (mostly unstated, but I can tell, they are still there). I used to be the one of two guys in my family not to go into the military, but my cousin is enlisting from what I hear, so that means that I'll be the first man in four generations in my family not to go into the military, which I am pretty sure is disappointing to my family. However, I cannot do anything to help that. Aside from my happy personality, my physical conditions are a mess and would immediately disbar myself. Still, even though I could not get in, there's that familial male pressure. Not to mention grandkids/great-grandkids.

As for my expectations for myself, any idiot can tell they're too high. Right now, I am on my low for this semester because I'm disappointed with my grades. Have I mentioned my grades in the last two weeks? I got an A+ on my civil war paper, and he wrote that it was one of the best reconstruction papers he ever read. I got a 97% on my last physics test, a 100% on my last chemistry test, and I was at least considered for the cell bio award. All of that's not good enough. I should have gotten a 102 on that chem test, a 100% on that physics test and I should have studied more and asked more questions in cell so that I would be undisputed #1.

I've freaking lost my edge. I had an edge and now, it's gone. There is no edge, no sense of competition, no anything. I'm not striving for excellence, but I'm settling for mediocrity and it's frankly disgusting. How am I supposed to get into grad school this way? There's no oomph that gets me into grad school besides my resume, and that resume is starting to look weaker each week.

I need to get out of this rut really badly. I have finals starting on Monday, and I cannot afford to be going through this dry spell. I really really really need to kick it into gear. Enough to survive a week and a half, at least.

I wish I could just dedicate myself 100% to school, but I always feel like there are distractions everywhere. I need to find a way to blot out those distractions and focus only on getting ahead.

Season finales really help with that. Amazing Race is done on Sunday, and there are only 2 new episodes of GA, 3 of DH.

Am I getting depressed?