I forgot to mention on here that I have moved:
www.hidingamaranth.blogspot.com
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Pensivity
I've been quite thoughtful today. Not in a considerate connotation of the word, but in the thinking one.
I keep thinking about how much of a failure I am in comparison to my expectations for myself. I don't know why it is that I have not been able to do everything I thought I would be able to do. I mean, it looks like right now I'm going to be graduating with 3 majors and 2 minors with a third one that will be added on after I graduate. I'll be at various levels of fluency in 4 languages. Most people would think wow about all of that, but I'm disappointed that I haven't done more. Granted, I am graduating a semester early, so I probably could have gotten a fourth major or a fourth minor if I went a full 4 years. But I think of all the opportunities I wasted--taking only 19 hours my first semester, only 16 my second.
Then there were those classes that are basically a total waste to me right now--Contemporary Currents of Catholicism being the number one class there, but the algebra based physics class I took was an equally notable waste of my time. I should have just taken the calculus one, but I didn't anticipate on taking physical chemistry, so I dunno.
I do have to admit that switching to UCCS is one of the best decisions I've made ever. I can't imagine what I would have done with my life had I not changed.
There are other things that I'm glad that I have changed also. My once fervent conservativism was inappropriate. I once embraced very strong pro- or very strong anti- attitudes. I was homophobic (now I am a firm believer in at least granting equal rights and civil unions [aka legal marriage]). I was pro-religions (now I am incredibly suspicious of any authorities, religious, political, social, etc.). I took hard stands on every possible position and I've realized that there are no cut and dry circumstances.
Take a look at abortion. I used to believe that it was ALWAYS wrong. I mean always. But I never thought about the implicaitons involved. Would it be right for me to tell a woman that it doesn't matter if that fetus is going to kill her, that she has to carry it to term? No. Conversely though, I don't think that the woman is entitled to kill an organism (feuts, baby, whatever) for selfish, non-life preserving interests. It's not the organism's fault that she didn't use proper birth control. It is a developmental issue when the fetus will kill the mother--e.g. extrauterine pregnancy. No one's at fault, but an abortion is almost a necessary thing there. And there are so many more sticky issues.
On another level, I've sort of realized that despite the immense maturity that I've undergone in the last several years, that I still harbor a lot of the same old feelings that I once harbored--most of them hate oriented. I hate pretty much everyone that I went to school with in middle school. High school is sort of a fifty-fifty thing. Those from Regis generally are in the anti- category. There are exceptions of course to all these conditions. Readers of this blog being the most notable ones. Without these people I can't imagine how much I would have suffered throughout my life and with them in it, I am incredibly grateful.
But in the last weeks, I've heard crap about people I went to school with at CCC and at PHS. I have to say that any of their successes have generally upset me and their failures give me pleasure that there's karma out there and that in some small way I've got an impact on it. I got this Regis magazine in the mail the other day--I get it every semester, it's like an alum thing--and looking at it I realize that that place is this thing I don't care about, and the people that were in that magazine are neither really important to me. Out of everyone I went there with--I probably only really care about what happens to 2 or 3 (Maricor of course being included).
But with the others, there's this motivation within me that's probably not a very good one, that says to crush them. Not physically or anything like that, but in terms of my success compared to theirs. There's this one person who's starting to worry about post-grad stuff with their useless majors and nonexistant goals. The only reason she's picked the two options that she has (work or grad school) is because she's got nothing else that she can pick. It's like "hell, I've done school for 16 years, why not 4 more?". Business majors in general evoke these emotions in me. I don't think people should be doing more school unless they need it for a job or to do something amazing. Being a doctor, a social worker, a teacher, etc. requires this. That's worth the price of more schooling. But I don't think that more schooling is useful when it comes to studying things like literature.
When I think about my position in comparison to these other persons, who chose to pursue useless majors without a back up, without enough of a standing to go into medical school or go for a law degree, or get the kind of training and understanding necessary to be an effective educator (again, something that DOES something), I do have to say that I feel comforted in knowing that my last 15 years of work have not gone to what might be a dead end.
I have enough options ahead of me (grad school, foreign work with DWB, Peace Corps, etc., employment, etc.) where I can feel somewhat secure.
However, there's that motvation to make sure that those other people who I despise know their place. And that place is someplace that is frankly somewhere less successful than me.
So now that we've established that Ray's crazy.
I finished all the writing on my thesis today. Tomorrow=throw in some pics and fix my cites/formatting and printing the bitch.
I keep thinking about how much of a failure I am in comparison to my expectations for myself. I don't know why it is that I have not been able to do everything I thought I would be able to do. I mean, it looks like right now I'm going to be graduating with 3 majors and 2 minors with a third one that will be added on after I graduate. I'll be at various levels of fluency in 4 languages. Most people would think wow about all of that, but I'm disappointed that I haven't done more. Granted, I am graduating a semester early, so I probably could have gotten a fourth major or a fourth minor if I went a full 4 years. But I think of all the opportunities I wasted--taking only 19 hours my first semester, only 16 my second.
Then there were those classes that are basically a total waste to me right now--Contemporary Currents of Catholicism being the number one class there, but the algebra based physics class I took was an equally notable waste of my time. I should have just taken the calculus one, but I didn't anticipate on taking physical chemistry, so I dunno.
I do have to admit that switching to UCCS is one of the best decisions I've made ever. I can't imagine what I would have done with my life had I not changed.
There are other things that I'm glad that I have changed also. My once fervent conservativism was inappropriate. I once embraced very strong pro- or very strong anti- attitudes. I was homophobic (now I am a firm believer in at least granting equal rights and civil unions [aka legal marriage]). I was pro-religions (now I am incredibly suspicious of any authorities, religious, political, social, etc.). I took hard stands on every possible position and I've realized that there are no cut and dry circumstances.
Take a look at abortion. I used to believe that it was ALWAYS wrong. I mean always. But I never thought about the implicaitons involved. Would it be right for me to tell a woman that it doesn't matter if that fetus is going to kill her, that she has to carry it to term? No. Conversely though, I don't think that the woman is entitled to kill an organism (feuts, baby, whatever) for selfish, non-life preserving interests. It's not the organism's fault that she didn't use proper birth control. It is a developmental issue when the fetus will kill the mother--e.g. extrauterine pregnancy. No one's at fault, but an abortion is almost a necessary thing there. And there are so many more sticky issues.
On another level, I've sort of realized that despite the immense maturity that I've undergone in the last several years, that I still harbor a lot of the same old feelings that I once harbored--most of them hate oriented. I hate pretty much everyone that I went to school with in middle school. High school is sort of a fifty-fifty thing. Those from Regis generally are in the anti- category. There are exceptions of course to all these conditions. Readers of this blog being the most notable ones. Without these people I can't imagine how much I would have suffered throughout my life and with them in it, I am incredibly grateful.
But in the last weeks, I've heard crap about people I went to school with at CCC and at PHS. I have to say that any of their successes have generally upset me and their failures give me pleasure that there's karma out there and that in some small way I've got an impact on it. I got this Regis magazine in the mail the other day--I get it every semester, it's like an alum thing--and looking at it I realize that that place is this thing I don't care about, and the people that were in that magazine are neither really important to me. Out of everyone I went there with--I probably only really care about what happens to 2 or 3 (Maricor of course being included).
But with the others, there's this motivation within me that's probably not a very good one, that says to crush them. Not physically or anything like that, but in terms of my success compared to theirs. There's this one person who's starting to worry about post-grad stuff with their useless majors and nonexistant goals. The only reason she's picked the two options that she has (work or grad school) is because she's got nothing else that she can pick. It's like "hell, I've done school for 16 years, why not 4 more?". Business majors in general evoke these emotions in me. I don't think people should be doing more school unless they need it for a job or to do something amazing. Being a doctor, a social worker, a teacher, etc. requires this. That's worth the price of more schooling. But I don't think that more schooling is useful when it comes to studying things like literature.
When I think about my position in comparison to these other persons, who chose to pursue useless majors without a back up, without enough of a standing to go into medical school or go for a law degree, or get the kind of training and understanding necessary to be an effective educator (again, something that DOES something), I do have to say that I feel comforted in knowing that my last 15 years of work have not gone to what might be a dead end.
I have enough options ahead of me (grad school, foreign work with DWB, Peace Corps, etc., employment, etc.) where I can feel somewhat secure.
However, there's that motvation to make sure that those other people who I despise know their place. And that place is someplace that is frankly somewhere less successful than me.
So now that we've established that Ray's crazy.
I finished all the writing on my thesis today. Tomorrow=throw in some pics and fix my cites/formatting and printing the bitch.
Updates Updates
This is the last weekend of April. This means that my thesis has to be done by the end of the day on Sunday.
So today's agenda is to fix any writing issues that I have with the thesis and then tomorrow is going to be to kickback and fix up all of my citations and all of my figures, formatting, etc. I may do it the other way though since it's already 11 AM right now, and I haven't even changed my clothes yet.
Monday=printing the whole damn thing and taking it to get 4 bound copies.
So I have had scheduling issues because I needed to be a full time student in the fall in order to have any health insurance.
I'm not going to bring that up anymore until I have it all figured out, frankly.
However, either way, I'm not going to have any health insurance this spring because aas a graduate I don't get any once I turn 21 unless I'm a full time undergraduate. Of course in the 8 month period, I'll basically get hammered with cancer or whatever else.
I have like 23 days left in this semester, and this week I get to finish two of my classes, essentially, those being my biology seminar and my thesis. My genetics lab I think ends this week too, so after Friday I am down to 16 hours, or 5 classes.
I just paid 676 dollars for my PPCC tuition. I decided not to take any COF funds for this summer because I need to use them for UCCS when I get hammered with tuition fees and such.
It looks like summer billing is going to be about 3K with another 300 in books--dammit.
I keep getting this feeling that the world is falling apart and I'm in the middle of it.
So today's agenda is to fix any writing issues that I have with the thesis and then tomorrow is going to be to kickback and fix up all of my citations and all of my figures, formatting, etc. I may do it the other way though since it's already 11 AM right now, and I haven't even changed my clothes yet.
Monday=printing the whole damn thing and taking it to get 4 bound copies.
So I have had scheduling issues because I needed to be a full time student in the fall in order to have any health insurance.
I'm not going to bring that up anymore until I have it all figured out, frankly.
However, either way, I'm not going to have any health insurance this spring because aas a graduate I don't get any once I turn 21 unless I'm a full time undergraduate. Of course in the 8 month period, I'll basically get hammered with cancer or whatever else.
I have like 23 days left in this semester, and this week I get to finish two of my classes, essentially, those being my biology seminar and my thesis. My genetics lab I think ends this week too, so after Friday I am down to 16 hours, or 5 classes.
I just paid 676 dollars for my PPCC tuition. I decided not to take any COF funds for this summer because I need to use them for UCCS when I get hammered with tuition fees and such.
It looks like summer billing is going to be about 3K with another 300 in books--dammit.
I keep getting this feeling that the world is falling apart and I'm in the middle of it.
Monday, April 21, 2008
Issues
These are things I've been having a lot of recently. My notably I'm having head-butting issues with my parents about what I want to do after this semester. I did decide to dump the geo major, because they basically implied that purse-strings will get pulled if I do go for it, and there's no way I can save up enough money for what I want to take and a place to live and car insurance.
I think I mentioned the issues I was having with them and this biochem award thing. If not, a brief recap: I got the notice on Tuesday and we had to RSVP by like 5 PM, and I don't come home til almost 8, so I just RSVP'ed for myself. Well, they didn't like that. My dad told my mom something along the lines of "when I was laying in the hospital bed dying, I decided I wanted to live so I can see these moments in my children's lives". So that's nice, now as a prerequisite for keeping a parent alive, I have to perform to the standards I've always performed. It's not enough that I have to basically torture myself, but now I'm supposed to give my dad life support? Wtf?
My parents are the kind of people who like to be "supportive" by which I mean thrusting themselves into every aspect of my life. And I am insanely private. I hate the kind of recognition that these awards bring because my parents want to inquire about it then make a big deal about it. When I get these things, what I REALLY like is the recognition of my professors that they think there's something particularly outstanding about what I've done. I don't care about beating out other classmates and I don't like to gloat about these things...publicly. Privately, as in this blog, you can tell I'm proud of what I've done, but everyone else exaggerates it.
I think there's a lot of tension going on because I've been home for so long, because I'm stressed, and because I really want to be on my own, but don't have the financial means to do it.
What they now want me to do is take nothing but my thesis class in the fall. I find this incredibly unreasonable for several reasons. #1: I'm going to be paying for the vast majority of my fall tuition. I've figured that with this summer's work schedule, I should be able to save up about $3000 for tuition, which will be around $4000 in the fall. I'm planning on getting a third job over the summer, so maybe I can get more. Only problem is that I can only work Sundays I think.
Right now, this is my modified schedule:
August 11-15: Nutrition for Health Science Majors
August 18-22: Principles of Flow Cytometry
Regular Semester: Molecular Biology, German II, History Thesis, Aristotle, Advanced Nutrition, and a basic computer science class.
I think I mentioned the issues I was having with them and this biochem award thing. If not, a brief recap: I got the notice on Tuesday and we had to RSVP by like 5 PM, and I don't come home til almost 8, so I just RSVP'ed for myself. Well, they didn't like that. My dad told my mom something along the lines of "when I was laying in the hospital bed dying, I decided I wanted to live so I can see these moments in my children's lives". So that's nice, now as a prerequisite for keeping a parent alive, I have to perform to the standards I've always performed. It's not enough that I have to basically torture myself, but now I'm supposed to give my dad life support? Wtf?
My parents are the kind of people who like to be "supportive" by which I mean thrusting themselves into every aspect of my life. And I am insanely private. I hate the kind of recognition that these awards bring because my parents want to inquire about it then make a big deal about it. When I get these things, what I REALLY like is the recognition of my professors that they think there's something particularly outstanding about what I've done. I don't care about beating out other classmates and I don't like to gloat about these things...publicly. Privately, as in this blog, you can tell I'm proud of what I've done, but everyone else exaggerates it.
I think there's a lot of tension going on because I've been home for so long, because I'm stressed, and because I really want to be on my own, but don't have the financial means to do it.
What they now want me to do is take nothing but my thesis class in the fall. I find this incredibly unreasonable for several reasons. #1: I'm going to be paying for the vast majority of my fall tuition. I've figured that with this summer's work schedule, I should be able to save up about $3000 for tuition, which will be around $4000 in the fall. I'm planning on getting a third job over the summer, so maybe I can get more. Only problem is that I can only work Sundays I think.
Right now, this is my modified schedule:
August 11-15: Nutrition for Health Science Majors
August 18-22: Principles of Flow Cytometry
Regular Semester: Molecular Biology, German II, History Thesis, Aristotle, Advanced Nutrition, and a basic computer science class.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Almost there!
First of all, boo ya: http://www.uccs.edu/~chemistry/about_students.html. Scroll down somewhat to see.
Second of all, within two hours, I should have a COMPLETED DRAFT OF MY THESIS. This essentially means that I can do no worse than a C, I would think. I should get it back later this week after I finish my bioseminar presentation, work my ass off on it for about a week, and then go get it bound. I'm only going to do two copies my first time around, and then I'm going to go with a few more for those profs who are interested in my stuff.
Thirdly, I have decided that I have not successfully tortured myself enough yet. So I'm going to do a geography minor now. The means that Ray's getting three majors and two minors. I really could do a third minor, but I just don't know for sure that I want to suffer under the evil lady who kicked me out of her class two years ago. Actually, if I put off graduation until the spring, I could get the geography major, but I don't really see any reason not to graduate in December. So this means this summer I'll be taking 18 hours and in the fall I'll be doing 30.
HA HA HAH AH HAH AH HA
I'm crazy.
Second of all, within two hours, I should have a COMPLETED DRAFT OF MY THESIS. This essentially means that I can do no worse than a C, I would think. I should get it back later this week after I finish my bioseminar presentation, work my ass off on it for about a week, and then go get it bound. I'm only going to do two copies my first time around, and then I'm going to go with a few more for those profs who are interested in my stuff.
Thirdly, I have decided that I have not successfully tortured myself enough yet. So I'm going to do a geography minor now. The means that Ray's getting three majors and two minors. I really could do a third minor, but I just don't know for sure that I want to suffer under the evil lady who kicked me out of her class two years ago. Actually, if I put off graduation until the spring, I could get the geography major, but I don't really see any reason not to graduate in December. So this means this summer I'll be taking 18 hours and in the fall I'll be doing 30.
HA HA HAH AH HAH AH HA
I'm crazy.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
1. I've come to realize that my boobs..don't exist because I'm a man
2. I've come to realize that when I talk...I rarely make coherent sense anymore because I speak in spastic tones
3. I've come to realize that when I love someone...well, except I don't.
4. I've come to realize that I need...some damn A's, because I'm a grade whore
5. I've come to realize that I have lost...my mind? No, um, I think that in recent months I lost what little self respect I had built up over the last year
6. I've come to realize that I hate it when...I have to admit that I cannot do it all.
7. I've come to realize that if I'm drunk...it may be the end of the world because I'd be so bonkers that matter would fold in on itself.
8. I've come to realize that money...fucking sucks.
9. I've come to realize that people...ditto.
10. I've come to realize that I'll always be...disappointed in myself because I'll never be able to do all those things that I thought I would be able to do when I was younger.
11. I've come to realize that I have a crush on...chocolate
12. I've come to realize that the opposite sex is...judgmental and suspicious for sure, far too prone to emotional outbursts, stupid for staying with abusive men, and forgetful of the sacrifices that their ancestors and women all over the world have had to fight for. I think women of my generation are complacent. Successful [much more so than men], but complacent.
13. I've come to realize that my cell phone is...a nuisance. I hate the goddamn thing
14. I've come to realize that when I woke up this morning...there were 6 inches of snow. In April.
15. I've come to realize that before I go to sleep at night...that that genetics lab that has been haunting me all week needs to be FINISHED!
16. I've come to realize that right now I am thinking about...all the things I need to finish in the next 100 hours--a presentation, a thesis draft, etc.
17. I've come to realize that when I get on Facebook...it's just not worth it
18. I've come to realize that today I...am really approaching total burnout stage. My brain is starting to not work, and my energy is constantly decreasing.
19. I've come to realize that tonight I will...obviously finish my genetics lab. That may take me the rest of the night. If not, then I suppose that I could get started on my bioseminar presentation.
20. I've come to realize that tomorrow I will...go to genetics lab, go make sure my cells aren't dead, get paid (woot) and finally go to work at the hospital for 8 hours, more or less.
21. I've come to realize that I really want to...get into graduate school and then have 1000000 majors.
23. I've come to realize that the person who is most likely to repost... doesn't exist?
2. I've come to realize that when I talk...I rarely make coherent sense anymore because I speak in spastic tones
3. I've come to realize that when I love someone...well, except I don't.
4. I've come to realize that I need...some damn A's, because I'm a grade whore
5. I've come to realize that I have lost...my mind? No, um, I think that in recent months I lost what little self respect I had built up over the last year
6. I've come to realize that I hate it when...I have to admit that I cannot do it all.
7. I've come to realize that if I'm drunk...it may be the end of the world because I'd be so bonkers that matter would fold in on itself.
8. I've come to realize that money...fucking sucks.
9. I've come to realize that people...ditto.
10. I've come to realize that I'll always be...disappointed in myself because I'll never be able to do all those things that I thought I would be able to do when I was younger.
11. I've come to realize that I have a crush on...chocolate
12. I've come to realize that the opposite sex is...judgmental and suspicious for sure, far too prone to emotional outbursts, stupid for staying with abusive men, and forgetful of the sacrifices that their ancestors and women all over the world have had to fight for. I think women of my generation are complacent. Successful [much more so than men], but complacent.
13. I've come to realize that my cell phone is...a nuisance. I hate the goddamn thing
14. I've come to realize that when I woke up this morning...there were 6 inches of snow. In April.
15. I've come to realize that before I go to sleep at night...that that genetics lab that has been haunting me all week needs to be FINISHED!
16. I've come to realize that right now I am thinking about...all the things I need to finish in the next 100 hours--a presentation, a thesis draft, etc.
17. I've come to realize that when I get on Facebook...it's just not worth it
18. I've come to realize that today I...am really approaching total burnout stage. My brain is starting to not work, and my energy is constantly decreasing.
19. I've come to realize that tonight I will...obviously finish my genetics lab. That may take me the rest of the night. If not, then I suppose that I could get started on my bioseminar presentation.
20. I've come to realize that tomorrow I will...go to genetics lab, go make sure my cells aren't dead, get paid (woot) and finally go to work at the hospital for 8 hours, more or less.
21. I've come to realize that I really want to...get into graduate school and then have 1000000 majors.
23. I've come to realize that the person who is most likely to repost... doesn't exist?
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