Dawn

I think I'm beginning to realize some things. I probably should not be attempting to realize things, considering that I have so much homework to do, however, we will indulge my mind somewhat before I talk about the mundane aspects of my existence before I have to go to physics class and then work.

A lot of my friends have been having these emotional issues lately. Some have had them about boyfriends/friends in general, some about different attachments to inanimate objects, some about politcs (strange), and some about guilty consciouses (sp?).

I have not had any of these issues in years, and I'm realizing why. I don't form emotional attachments very well any longer. I used to be quite good at it, but since high school, I almost never form new emotional attachments. The relationships I have with other people are almost strictly professional (school or work related) now, except for people with whom I bonded before I went through my emotional destruction phase. I don't know if I had some kind of fear of abandonment or something like that, but several events prompted me, in high school, to override my emotional side and assert a more rational approach. There are several events in particular which come to mind. My dad getting MS was a big one, because I was figuring that he wasn't going to make it long (we thought for a while that it was cancer), and my mom and sisters took it quite hard. I realized that having excessive emotional attachment would cause me to have the same problem, and so, on a certain level, I detached. Not so much detaching as subverting. I realized that rational control and logic have to supercede these kinds of things, and that having this is necessary. Someone in every family, basically, has to be the planner, who prepares for any set of circumstances and has a rational course of action ready in case of catastrophe. I designated that role for myself. While any catastrophe will be painful, I have to contain that immediately, or else I would not be an effective agent of reason.

Also, my high school crushes were vast disappointments, and that was quite painful for me as well. Attempting to express those kinds of emotions has always been nearly impossible for me, and I know that I do not have the ability to commit to another person because I have other priorities. I have things that are far more important to me, namely, school and the plans I have for myself. So, in the process of conflicting emotions and priorities, I decided that eliminating biological attraction is impossible, and it must be supressed, but I could annihilate emotional attraction. Since then, I cannot understand why other people simply won't do the same thing. I don't have the ability to empathize with their situation, because I found something that works for me and I think that if it works for me, it should work for everyone else too. I think that it would, if they were not so heavily connected to their emotions. I have such a holier-than-thou attitude about this. It's bad on one level, I recognize that much. Presuming that I have a solution for other people's lives. Not a good thing, especially when they don't ask me about it.

Anyways. I don't form attachments to other people. Objectivity is key to me, and anything permeating that objectivity is bad.

So, about the rest of my life. School has not been too bad. A lot of my professors give the impression that my attendance to their class is this big important thing, however, I don't consider it so. Maybe because we're working on stuff that I did in highschool or previously (like Physics and Cell Bio), or maybe because I have an over-estimation of my capabilities. Whatever the case.

I have been keeping up with some of my reading. I read through chapter four of my ecology text book, and over the next several weeks, I will need to read two more chapters, before the first test. So I'm right on track with ecology.
I'm a little behind in Human Physiology, but after this weekend, I should be caught up. Cell Bio, I'm on track, and in my history classes, I'm a little behind where I would like to be. After this, I will return to my Civil War reading, and this weekend, I'll be working on Ancient Egyptian History reading and coming up with ideas for my first essay. I would like to do something having to do with the development of civilization, and the things necessary for them to do that. That sounds like Anthropology though.
Chemistry lecture I'm a little ahead in, as I finished my homework for this chapter. Chem Lab, I'm kind of meh about, and I need to work on it this weekend, and maybe Monday as well, though I go pretty much non stop on Mondays.

Anyways. I'm going to do homework now. Hopefully, I can start working towards getting ahead, eventually.