Contact

I never thought I would write a post about this. But for once, I don't want to talk about school, or about my personal vendetta againstthe universe, but about me and other people.
What the hell?

Over this last year, I have just felt things slip away with everyone that I have known, except for maybe one or two.

Most of the people I have known don't talk to me anymore, and when we do talk, it's just empty kind of crap.

I have not talked to anyone from elementary or middle school in several months.
With thankful exception for Karin, I have not talked to anyone from high school extensively in almost a year.
I have not talked to anyone fr Regis in some time.

I wonder if these people miss me at all. I mean, do those people think that I matter at all? I found out today that someone I knew kept all these secret things from me, and it makes me wonder why the hell I even bother. I'm supposed to see her soon, but, I mean, what the hell are we going to talk about. Memories, and that's all I can think of. Why do I bother?

I had this emotional spat earlier this semester and I had this blog hidden away, to which I cannot remember the name or the password or what email I freaking used to start the thing. I was upset because this person lied to me deliberately, and I knew it. To be honest, it's really hard to push that kind of thing past me. Despite the fact that I have never had a relationship in my life, I can read people well. That's one thing I pride myself on, is the power of observation. I may have no social skills, but when people were playing and socializing on the playground and such, I watched. I watch people's movements when they converse with me and with each other, and I can tell when people are lying. There are very few people who can keep a straight face when they are lying, an eye moves, a muscle twitches, their lips purse. The eyes are the key. I can tell when people lie by looking at their eyes and how they move when they talk. I don't know why or how, but I can tell.

I made some kind of post about this incident, and I totally deleted it. On livejournal, I just went and found it on xanga, and I knew it then, and I know it now.

I know, there are a lot of things about me which cut off a lot of people. Distance is one thing. Had I stayed with the people from elementary/middle school and gone to St. Mary's I would probably 1) have killed myself and 2) have stayed in contact. But, I went to Palmer, and I am so thankful for that. Palmer is the BEST school in Colorado. By far. I mean, I got so much education, and I found some really great people.

I've been fortunate to be able to talk to a lot of them still, especially Karin, and occasionally, Colleen, Kristina, and Karen.
But I lost it with a LOT of people, and there are a lot of reasons for that. Distance is one, but another is that I've changed so much. And that's probably why I lost a lot of people at Regis too.

My irreligiousness probably has turned off several people, but I think that some of the people I knew just don't like me. Because I'm intellectual/stuck-up/educationally obsessed/whatever.

We'll see later in the break.