Mi vida ahora es bien chingada

Yep, that title definitely has about everything going on in my life right now.

I just finished all of everything for my HIV paper, and it's about 9 pages, double spaced. Which is hot, because it was supposed to be between 4 and 6, but no more than 10. So I was just shy of the absolute peak. It's definitely given me a lot to think about in these last twenty years plus of a world with HIV/AIDS. When I was writing about the virus, all I could think about is how it's like this almost sentient thing, it knows exactly which cells to attack. The first cells it hits are the CD4+ T cells that have specificity to recognize HIV. It can lay dormant in T cells for years (that's why the average progression from HIV to AIDS can take anywhere from 10 to 30 years!), pretty much escaping infection. Our immune system is capable of making millions upon millions of antibodies to destroy pretty much anything, but interestingly, only one out of those billions of antibodies has an effect on HIV. ONE. It makes me realize that HIV is this real threat, a potential killer of almost anyone. About 2% of the population is impervious to the virus because their T cells lack the receptor necessary for HIV to get in, and on top of that 2%, about 0.01% can mount an effective immune response against HIV easily. That means of over six billion people on the planet, if we were all infected tomorrow, only 120 million would survive.

I then look at all of these people who have HIV and I can't imagine how the means they got it-whether via drugs or sex, can be worth getting HIV. In studying this, I see a certain evolutionary advantage to monogamy in mammals like wolves: maybe the canines were subject to this kind of virus once upon a time and evolved monogamy to basically kill the virus off. It makes me think that maybe it's a primitive form of HIV that caused early societies to have such strict sexual rules. Maybe it's the real foundational reason why religions like Christianity advocated monogamy.

So yeah, HIV paper done.

Spanish paper is almost done. I have a little more than 9 pages out of 11. I hope after having a little bit of time to relax from all of this work, I can get back to pounding out that paper, and edit it at least twice before turning it in on Wednesday. I'll of course have to go in and add all of my citations too, which I sincerely hate. I think out of everything involving writing, I hate citations the most. If you add them while you're writing, you end up screwing your train of thought, and then if you add them afterwards, you end up spending hours trying to find all the sources you used, and such. UGH.

I got my last p-chem quiz yesterday. I got a 93%, which I suppose was ok, but it was actually below average, which is like the first time in my college life where I can say that I did below average on something. That's kinda sad.

Ok, I'm seriously starting to freak out about the rest of this semester. In the last 24 hours, I have had at least 15 panic attacks where I get all sweaty, my heart rate starts pounding through the roof, I turn all flushed and red, and I have this overwhelming feeling of failure creeping into me.

I'm starting to get kind of sick of it. Everything's all messed up on the inside and now more than ever, I need focus. I need success to come on the wings of effort.

Damn. Once I finish this spanish paper, there's so little left to do, 6 exams, 1 quiz, 1 lab, and that's basically it.

I can do it, I just need the confidence to follow through on the rest of my semester.